Hollywood Scuttlebeat!

I’m running out of clever names for these fake celebrity news blogs, so sorry for the lame header.  But goddammit, these are so much fun.  Let’s dive right in to the fake movie stuff…

Royal Reboot for Kiwi!

The non-stop runaway success story that is New Zealand’s wunderkind Lorde doesn’t show any signs of slowing down!  The teenage pop sensation recently signed on for the long-rumored reboot of 80’s teen flick  “Say Anything.”  Of course, curious readers would assume that Lorde would be recreating the role of Diane Court, originally made famous by Ione Skye in the original 1989 classic.  Not so fast!


Lorde models the prototype GHEToBlstr mp3 player (designed by Beats by Dre) that plays a key role in the film.

“Well, that was the original idear, but when they came to me and offered me the paht, I toold ’em straight away that it was the lead or nuthin’!”  Yes, movie buffs, it’s the ol’ gender switch-a-roo, with Lorde playing the part of Layne Dobler, a troubled young skate rat who desperately tries to woo the out-of-her league male love interest (rumored to be Josh Hutcherson.)  “I figger I’m almost Australian, so should be right spry enough a catty-wampus to dinkum’ up a todger all owly-like!”  Amen to that, sister!  Shooting for the newly-titled #NEthing begins this summer.


Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!

ryan goofy

It’s been a hit-or-miss few years for heartthrob and abdominal muscle Ryan Reynolds.  But it looks like that luck is changing, as Ry-Ry has signed to lend his voice to a sequel to the Netflix hit kid’s movie “Turbo.”  The project got the go-ahead when Dreamworks purchased iPhone game maker Republic of Fun after their recent bankruptcy.  The game studio had a modest hit of sorts with ‘Slug Wars’ for mobile devices and tablets.  Could that be a hint of things to come for America’s favorite gastropod and his pals?

“Well, obviously we’re taking Turbo in a bold new direction.  The initial thought was to do it as a prequel, show all the snails as babies.  Then we realized that they would all be terribly slow babies.  And it just got weird,” Reynolds recently told reporters.  “But with the recent rights to the title [Slug Wars] we’re going to have the wacky bunch of slimy molluscs actually join the War on Terror.  There’ll be a lot of NSA-style commentary and the Patriot Act gets sort of scrutinized and it’s just a great way for kids to learn about how the government really does have their best interests at stake.  I mean, the shell, right?  The shell on Turbo’s back is a great analogy for personal privacy or something.  I don’t know, really.  I haven’t read the script, but hey…freedom, right?”  We couldn’t have said it better!

Jurassic Sam?

One voice from the first film that will likely be missing from Turbo 2:  Slug Wars [working title] will be that of veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson.  Of course, Jackson is no novice when it comes to voice-acting, and has been featured in numerous animated flicks.  No, the real reason why the classy Sammy J might miss out on the fun this time around is due to a crazy busy schedule that has the actor moving…and might just have him running from prehistoric monsters!

"This is how I imagine Mr. Arnold looks now.  See, he ain't got time for yo' sh*t."  - Sam Jackson

“This is how I imagine Mr. Arnold looks now. See, he ain’t got time for yo’ sh*t.” – Sam Jackson

That’s right, you heard it here first:  20th Century Fox is working on a super-big super-secret project that is rumored to involve a return to Jurassic Park!  Jackson has been fairly tight-lipped, but let the following slip during the Red Carpet during the London premiere of Captain America: Winter Soldier…

“I mean, here’s Mr. Arnold, right?  Smokin’ cigarettes and sh*t right there at the computer.  G*d d*amn, that’s some hard-core sh*t right there.  You know right away that he’s a bad mother f*cker, maybe the baddest on that motherf*ckin’ island.  So he goes to turn on the power, and it’s like ‘a skinny-a*s velociraptor gonna take him out?’  H*ll, no!  You know he’s out there somewhere, waitin’ to pop a cap in some dino’s a*s.”

But what about the fact that Mr. Arnold has obviously lost an arm to the dangerous dinos?

“Did you see this motherf*ckin’ movie right here? [CA:TWS]  Bucky got him a motherf*ckin’ robot arm.  That’s some serious sh*t right there.  I mean, motherf*cker catches Cap’s f*ckin’ SHIELD with that thing!  Now, here’s Mr. Arnold, right?  He’s lost an arm, but they got all kinds of science sh*t on that island.  Who’s to say he didn’t grow it back?  Clone it or some sh*t?  Or maybe he’s just that bad-a*s that he only needs one arm.  H*ll, Nick Fury only got one eye, right?  You gonna f*ck with Fury?  Didn’t think so.  Nah, Arnold is out there.  Maybe he swims to Costa Rica or some god d*amn place.  All’s I know is that they wanna make a movie, and I aim to be in that mother f*cker.”

Sounds like we’re all taking a welcome return to Jurassic Park sooner than we think!



Criswell PREDICTS!!

Well, crap…it’s 2014.  Sorry for my longer-than-usual absence, but I’ve had a few extra irons added to my fire, and let’s be honest: the holidays are a time for laying around in your pajama pants and drinking too much.  I got rather stinky over the last few weeks.  Like, literally.  I reek.  I have therefore decided to pull myself out of this torpor, wash the stink from my body and cobwebs from my mind, and hop back on the ol’ horse.

This blog is also a sort of two-pronged celebration.  Not only is it my first blog of the new year, but also it technically happens to be my 100th post.  How ’bout that?  To commemorate these two waypoints, I’ve enlisted the help of the Amazing Criswell!!  This was exceedingly difficult, as Criswell passed away in 1982.  But don’t trouble your pretty little head with the science behind this feat.  Simply sit back and enjoy the dead “psychic” and his astounding, remarkable predictions for the new year!  PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!!


CRISWELL PREDICTS…that in the coming year, these all shall come to pass!

At a family get-together, your great-uncle will warn everyone that they’re all about to be mustard-gassed.  His prediction will come true!  Having eaten way too many brats with spicy Koop’s Horseradish Mustard, he will totally bust ass right in the middle of a post-cookout game of Euchre.

Worst. Memorial Day.  Ever.

Worst. Memorial Day. Ever.

On or about the same date…perhaps in July…you will awaken from a drunken stupor at a friend’s house to find (TO YOUR HORROR!!) that you are clad simply in jorts and a t-shirt bearing an airbrushed likeness of Dale Jarrett.  You will have NO MEMORY of how this came to pass!!

For a period of about twenty-six days in early Autumn, people will decide that “peg rolling” jeans is “a thing again.”  BEWARE THE HIPSTERS!!

Sadly, this is a pretty likely outcome.

Sadly, this is a pretty likely outcome.

In 2014 Jimmy Fallon will become the UNDISPUTED KING OF LATE NIGHT TELEVISION!!  (Editor’s note:  this is actually the most likely outcome, and not really a stretch as far as “predicting.”)

In March of this year…you will REMEMBER WHERE YOU KNOW THAT ONE GUY FROM!!

In time for the Oscars, it will be revealed that GEORGE CLOONEY IS GAY!!  And his lover will be revealed to be none other than THE AMAZING CRISWELL!!  (Editor’s note:  this is nothing more than wishful thinking.)

Pictured:  proof of nothing.

(Editor’s note: upon further review…)

“Fishing for ground muffins” will be a slang phrase that catches on with the kids.  It will either mean “pooping on a picnic table” or “voting for an unlikely Democratic challenger in a Tea Party state.”

TERRORISTS will attack a DISCOTHEQUE!  But because it will be a “DISCOTHEQUE” and not a “NIGHTCLUB” people in the United States won’t care a lick!

In 2014, you will discover that the girl you had a crush on back in 1998 has gotten TOTALLY FAT!!

This year scientists will discover that over-exposure to the sun’s rays actually FIGHTS harmful skin cancer.  The scientific community will offer a collective “Our bad!”  (Editor’s note:  I find this not only highly unlikely, it’s pretty irresponsible if you ask me.)



Finally…before the end of 2014, the AMAZING CRISWELL will become mayor of Los Angeles just in time to welcome our NEW ALIEN OVERLORDS and their King, ANDY DICK!!


I know I’m supposed to posting new blogs based on the feedback I got a week or so ago when I solicited ideas from you, and I promise to get right back to it (and, hey?  Look at me with, what?  Three blogs in less than a week?) but the overload of celebrity-news crap that started with the Affleck-as-Batman bombshell and petered out with Mileygate, I felt it was my duty to keep up.  Besides, some of you really dig these fake celebrity scandal write-ups.  So let’s dive in!

Mindy’s Major Moxie Mission!!

This is what Renée Zellweger will look like in five more years.

CORRECTION: this is actually a picture of Renée Zellweger from the future.

Full-figured voice actress and former child star Mindy Cohn is hoping to revamp her Hollywood career by following in the sexy footsteps of Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, and most recently, Miley Cyrus, by putting on what has been described as “one sexy Vaudevillian burlesque!” at an upcoming awards show or Kroger grand opening.

“I’m just waiting for my opportunity to show the world what I got!  ‘Cause I got a lot…and it’s all HOT!!”  says the plus-sized vixen. Cohn has been working on a “suitably shocking” routine while working around her ongoing gig as the voice of Velma on the successful Scooby-Doo Mystery, Inc.  “We’re just waiting to hear back from either the Golden Globes or the new Kroger Supercenter in Studio City.  Whatever’s going to give us the most exposure for my exposure, if you catch my drift!”  Oh, we read you loud and clear, lady!  Loud and clear!

The Diceman Cometh to Tarantino Sequel!

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

Hot on the heels of the longtime funnyman’s surprise dramatic turn in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, the bombastic Andrew Dice Clay has already landed another high-profile project: the eagerly-anticipated sequel to Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, tentatively titled Reservoir Dogs 2: Nice Guys Finish Last.  “It’s a blast!  Who knew, right?  Last flick I done, I get to work with a classy broad like Cate Blancett, who, you know…she’s English or some sh*t, so that’s class, buddy.  Class for days, am I rite?  And now?  Now I get to work with Stephen Baldwin AND that guy from Scrubs! [John C. McGinley, rumored] Unfrigginbelievable!”  Of course, some Hollywood types are taking a wait-and-see attitude towards Clay’s sudden cinematic chops.  Tarantino himself released the following statement:

“I’m so angry right now. Angry at myself for stupid rookie mistakes I made when we first shot Reservoir Dogs, my first film.  I stupidly overlooked a couple of loopholes when we signed the distribution rights, and now I’m powerless to stop this train wreck of a cluster-f*ck.  For starters, the title?  Apparently that’s a reference to Nice Guy Eddie, the character from the first film.  My problem?  Nice Guy Eddie is DEAD at the end of the movie, and the guy that played him is ALSO DEAD.  Hey, spoiler alert, assh*les:  EVERYONE DIES BUT MR. PINK!!  There can’t be a f*cking sequel!”

There has been no response from the studio, and the film remains in pre-production.

The Amazing Spider-Abs!

Your friendly neighborhood...um...JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

Your friendly neighborhood…um…JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

In a bombshell announcement that rocked the world of geek-culture for the second time in as many weeks, Columbia Pictures announced a bold last-minute re-casting of one of comicdom’s most popular characters.  With only weeks of production left on The Amazing Spider-Man 2 as the cast and crew strive for a May 2014 release date, the lead role of Peter Parker (who famously dons the mask as Marvel’s web-slinger) has been given the ol’ switcheroo.  Out is Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) who took over the red-and-blue tights for the first big reboot (The Amazing Spider-Man, 2012) and in is current it-boy and panty-dampener Channing Tatum.  The studio explained the sudden casting change this way:

“As much as we love Andrew, the test audiences just wanted someone ‘bulgier’ and ‘hotter.’  Plus, once the guys at Warner Brothers hit us with that Ben Affleck casting news, we knew we had to amp up the sex appeal in a big way.  I mean…have you seen the abs on C-Tates?!”  Tatum is no stranger to last-minute reshoots.  The release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation was delayed by a year in order to add more delicious Channing Tatum beefcake.  The same sort of frenzied shooting schedule is expected for the Spidey sequel if the studio sticks to its May release.


Reboot THIS! (Part Two: Sequels)

When last we spoke, you and I, we discussed Hollywood’s fondness for rebooting franchises every few years and churning out sequel after sequel.  (Okay, I did most of the talking, but you nodded silent agreement.)  In that blog post, I humbly submitted some films that are prime candidates for reboots/remakes, and this time I’m offering up some slam-dunk sequels.

Pump Up The Volume (Likelihood of awfulness: AVERAGE)

Now he looks like Costner's little brother, which OH MY GOD!! ROBIN HOOD WAS RIGHT!!

Now he looks like Costner’s little brother, which OH MY GOD!! ROBIN HOOD WAS RIGHT!!

Kids today don’t remember the good ol’ days of Christian Slater being the ultimate heart-throb. It’s hard for today’s generation to recall when Slates was like a rebellious combination of Leo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling, and Johnny Depp.  He was dreamy, sexy, quirky, and dangerous.  He played vengeful skateboarders and sociopathic high-school rebels and his hair would fall into his eyes and he’d smirk and YOU COULD HEAR THE PANTIES HITTING THE FLOOR!! Anyhoo, the original Pump Up the Volume was not based on that Technotronic jam you’d hear at Chicago Bulls games, but was instead a story about how one kid fought the system…with ROCK MUSIC!!  Slater’s pirate radio station rocked out all the coolest underground bands back when there was such a thing as “underground.”  That’s why I think this story deserves a sequel:  thanks to the internet and digital music sharing, etc. ANYONE can have their own “radio” station.  Now imagine that ol’ Happy Harry Hard-On (Christian Slater’s on-air persona) has become a high school teacher, but still has the soul of a rebel.  In fact, perhaps he discovers mistreatment of some of the students in his class (or bullying or illegal standard testing or whatever hot-button topic works at the time) but the school shuts down the local internets or something so Harry must teach the kids how to do it OL-SKOOL and is threatened with termination and such but it’s totes okay because he’s taught the kids to find their own voice and DAMN THE MAN!!  Throw in some cyber-hacking bullshit and you’ve got yourself a stand-up-and-cheer feel-good movie with a bitchin’ soundtrack.  Plus, seeing Christian Slater play the adult for a change would be cool.

Real Genius (Likelihood of awfulness: High)

No, look again.  It's NOT Axl Rose.

No, look again. It’s NOT Axl Rose.

This would probably suck.  No lie, I would really cringe if I heard they were going through with plans for a follow-up to one of my favorite movies of all time (there have been repeated rumors since 2007 that Val Kilmer had already signed on for a yet-to-be developed sequel.)  I would cringe because the original is so perfect that there’s NO WAY they could make me love a second one any more than the first.  That being said, in the right hands (Shane Black springs to mind) it would be a lot of fun to see Chris Knight as either a college professor or even a private-sector company man.  Perhaps Chris has lost his way, and some upstart college wonks would have to show him the path back to the man he was in college, slaving away for Dr. Hathaway’s nefarious schemes.  Sure, a fat Val Kilmer would be depressing, but the dude can still be funny.  Team him with a Michael Cera or go the other way and have Chloë Grace Moretz play a sassy young lady, maybe even (GASP!) Chris Knight’s long-lost daughter.  Again, with the right script and director, this would be wonderful.  However, in the wrong hands, it could be Slap Shot 2.

Point Break (Likelihood of awfulness: Guaranteed)

In fairness, it was almost impossible to find an unflattering pic of Keanu.

In fairness, it was almost impossible to find an unflattering pic of Keanu.

Again, in a perfect world, this would work.  In the world we actually live in, however, this is doomed.  There was a great deal of talk about a sequel, but then, well…Patrick Swayze died.  He was totally on-board and excited to participate in the planned follow-up.  With Swayze, it could have worked.  Hell, the Fast ‘N’ Furious series basically ripped off the Point Break formula, and they’ve done pretty well for themselves (or so I’m told.  I’ve yet to see a single one of those films.)  Without Swayze, this doesn’t really stand a chance.  To make matters worse, there are rumblings of a reboot, with surfing only being a part of the big-picture “world of x-treme sports and illegal street racing” backdrop.  Okay, first off, who still uses “x-treme” to describe ANYTHING?!  Secondly, did Hollywood follow my lead and ignore the plot of every Fast ‘N’ Furious released thus far?  Because it seems like they have that covered.  Yeah, the sad thing is this will happen and it will be terrible and I will cry.

48 Hrs. (Likelihood of awfulness: Average)

Welcome to...Jurassic Park!

Welcome to…Jurassic Park!

“Hey, asshole!” you shout at the computer. “They already DID a sequel to this!  It was Another 48 Hours and it was…well…” and then you stare at your shoes and male little back-and-forth sweeps in the dust with your toes.  (Why is there dust on the floor where your computer is located?  Jesus, Swiffer that shit!  Place looks like a pig sty!) Yes, there was a sequel, and yes it was lackluster.  Do it right, and this is an aging-cops-and-robbers buddy cop movie that could realistically revamp the whole formula.  And hopefully the screenwriters would twist things up and make it seem fresh: perhaps Eddie Murphy’s con-man Reggie Hammond is now a bail bondsman or something.  Perhaps a skip-trace bounty hunter (although the original movie worked because even though the premise was far-fetched, it wasn’t completely beyond belief.)  Nolte’s Jack Cates is retired, maybe working as a night security guy or something, and Eddie needs his help to track down some bad guy.  It would be fun, and both these actors (especially Murphy) could use a sure-fire hit.

The Last Starfighter (Likelihood of awfulness: Less Than You’d Think)

Yes, it's true.  Under that state-of-the-art makeup is the head bad-guy from Robocop.

Yes, it’s true. Under that state-of-the-art makeup is the head bad-guy from Robocop.

My alternate-timeline brother Vex Pop (not his real name) and I have already discussed this idea and think it’s pretty goddam good.  Hell, we almost have a treatment ready.  This would literally write itself.  In fact, GPA Entertainment has a project called “Starfighter” stuck in pre-production that many feel is either a reboot or sequel.    For those unfamiliar with the original The Last Starfighter, here’s the plot:  The Rylan Star League has come under attack by the Ko-Dan Armada.  To recruit new Starfighters, they plant coin-op arcade games throughout the galaxy and guess what?  Those games are actually training simulators, and when you break a certain score they come down from space to your trailer park and ask you to fight bad guys in a pretty awfully-rendered CGI spaceship! (Hey, it was 1984, and yes, they’d come a long way since TRON, but still had quite a way to go.)  Anyway, the kid plays the game,  goes to space, teams up with a reptilian co-pilot/navigator, and totally saves the universe.  Now, imagine that same scenario…but with Xbox Live.  Jesus, do you know how many kids play CoD on any given weeknight?  You could even have the recruiters themselves playing against everyone, anonymously gauging progress and gamer scores.  Hell, you could actually have an entire recruiting class from all over the world, Willy Wonka style.  Even better, maybe some are old guys like me and others are foul-mouthed little pricks who say terrible things about your mom, blacks, and gays (not always in the order) from the safety of their living room.  Watching these twerps react to a alien-filled space boot camp would be awesome.  Alex Rogan (the kid from the first movie) is now Admiral Rogan, and High Chancellor Grig has tasked him with outfitting a new class of Gunstar Starfighter with talented pilots because of some threat or another. Honestly, the bad guy is an afterthought, because the whole recruitment and training part of the film just sets up the epic finale.  Even better, what if some of the Starfighters/pilots are actually fighting the war from their living rooms in what they think is a giant massively multiplayer shooter? Drone tech has come a long way on this planet…why couldn’t an advanced spacefaring race translate that to home consoles?  In other words, some of those kids playing think it’s a big tournament, but IT’S TOTALLY REAL!!!  And finally, one of the best parts of this whole enterprise would be that for once… for ONCE…we’d have a movie tie-in video game that made complete sense.


Holy crap…it’s almost been an entire month since my last post, and that one was a throw-away quickie.  Been busy, folks.  My radio station has been slowly transitioning to a new location, kids are busy, I’ve had shows like Best Ink Season Two to watch (TEAM TERESA!!!!) and Far Cry 3 to complete (with the GOOD ending, thank you.)  So I figured I’d jump back in with another Hollywood Nooz style entry.  If these things keep doing well, I’m going to have to create an entirely new blog for this stuff.  That way NOTHING will get updated.

Without further ado…


Powder blue is the new tangerine!

Powder blue is the new tangerine!

Buoyed by his recent critically acclaimed turn in the big-screen adaptation of Les Miz, gruff-but-loveable Kiwi Russell Crowe has stunned the music world by agreeing to appear as part of this summer’s hottest ticket:  the eagerly-awaited tour of pop diva Britney Spears.  Brit decided to forgo any more reality-TV judging gigs in order to wow live audiences with mediocre lip-synching, and decided to bring out the big guns!  “I always loved Russell as ‘Wolverine’ but had no idea he could sing!”  As for what drew the burly, bearded, boy-band wannabee to the tour, Russell admitted that he initially “thought ‘Les Miz’ was just a flick about French lesbians and professional wrestlers.  Imagine my shock when it turned out to be this gay Occupy movie!  Loved it. And the outfits?  FABULOUS.”


Modern-day D'Artagnan Kiedis answers questions at the "N4pole0n" press conference

Modern-day D’Artagnan Kiedis answers questions at the “N4pole0n” press conference

Staying in the world of music, we were excited to hear the bombshell that Miramax dropped last week when they announced another gritty reboot, this time of fan-fave cult film ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ slated to begin pre-production in the next few weeks.  The newly re-branded ‘N4pole0n’ already boasts Jon Hamm and Jennifer Lawrence as part of the cast, and at the press meet-up it was announced that the coveted role of Kip Dynamite would be going to none other than Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis! “I’ve acted before, so it’s not like I’m completely out-of-sorts” said the star of Point Break and that one Charlie Sheen film.  “Plus, with my history of drug addiction, I feel like I can convey the proper gravitas and self-torture that the role of Kip demands.  I’m, like, totally stoked, dude.”  The Jim Jarmusch-helmed drama should hit theaters in time for the Holiday 2014 season.


We may finally have an explanation for what’s taking author George R. R. Martin so long to finish his sword-and-sorcery epic ‘A Song of Ice and Fire!’  It may have very little to do with the ongoing HBO adaptation; even as the smash-hit ‘Game of Thrones’ sails into its third season, another GRRM project seems to be taking up most of the author’s time.

Perhaps now it'll be 'Between Two Dramatic Turns!'

Perhaps now it’ll be ‘Between Two Dramatic Turns!’

It seems that over the last dozen years or so, Martin has kept an intricate journal of his life.  Now Paramount is keen to reap some of that ‘GoT’ cash, and has optioned the diary for a big-screen biopic starring Hollywood funnyman Zach Galifianakis as a young George R.R. Martin.  Pre-production is already underway, with Galifianakis doing location shoots in Harlem and San Salvador.  The ‘Hangover’ star told us about what drew him to the project: “Well, George is a shabbily-dressed fat guy.  And since John Goodman is way too old, that pretty much leaves me.  Now, please…just leave me alone.”

That One Guy: The Tarantino Edition

Well, over the holiday break, I got to see “Django Unchained.”  It was glorious.  Seriously, what a great film.  I’m not here to worship at the altar of  Quentin.  I do love the majority of his films, but let’s be honest; they’re not all home-runs.  Sometimes he barely gets on base (ahem…Jackie Brown, anyone?) But one of the things that I absolutely enjoy about QT’s body of work is how he continues certain themes and uses his favorite actors over and over (ahem…Sam Jackson, anyone?)  It’s like he has his own repertory theater group that stages all their favorite plays over and over, only instead of doing another stage production of “Picnic” or “Bus Stop” they pay homage to some of Tarantino’s favorite old-timey schlock and cheese.  It’s awesome.  Now, I won’t bore you with the obvious actors and roles.  You know these.  But Here are a few of Quentin’s supporting players and where you might know them from.  For example…

Tom Savini


Okay, Tom is sort of a stretch, as he’s really more of a Robert Rodriguez minion.  But his appearance in some Rodriguez/Tarantino collaborations puts him on the list.  Tom is a Hollywood renaissance man, and has been directing, doing stunts, and makeup/SFX for years. One of his early film gigs was in the original “Dawn of the Dead” way back in 1978!  Most of you will probably recognize him as Sex Machine from “From Dusk Till Dawn.”  Yes, the guy with the cock-and-balls gun on his codpiece.  He’s also been involved with both “Creepshow” movies, the remake of “Dawn of the Dead” along with “Machete” and “Grindhouse.”  Adding to the list of great directors he’s worked with (as if Romero, Tarantino, and Rodriguez weren’t enough) he had a role in Kevin Smith’s “Zach and Miri Make a Porno.”  Savini is the ultimate “hey, who the hell is that guy?  I know him from somewhere…” actor.  Plus, he looks like Tig’s dad.

Michael Parks


You’ve seen this guy a million times and not even known it.  Yes, he has a bit part in “Django” and played the part of Earl McGraw in both “Planet Terror” and “Death Proof.”  But when it hits you that he also played Earl McGraw in “From Dusk Till Dawn” and “Kill Bill Vol. I” your head starts to spin.  THEN you realize that he’s also the Mexican pimp Esteban Vihaio in “Kill Bill Vol. II” and you feel like you need to sit down.  It also dawns on you that Parks is actually one helluva fine actor, and you wonder why the hell he isn’t at least as famous as Mickey Rourke.  Tarantino doubtless chose Parks to appear in his films out of QT’s love of old-school crime and cop dramas, and Michael Parks appeared in beaucoup 70’s cops-and-robber shows like Baretta, McCloud, Get Christie Love!, Police Story, and a dozen other programs that have been referenced in QT films since “Reservoir Dogs.”

Michael Bowen


This guy is the true enigma.  He’s nobody.  He’s everybody.  He’s most recognizable as Buck in both Kill Bill films.  “Oh!  Okay!” you say.  What if I also blew your mind and told you he was the same guy who played Mark Dargus in “Jackie Brown?”  HA!!  Yes!  Mark Dargus!  (It’s okay.  I don’t remember him, either.)  Or what about his role as a tracker in “Django Unchained?”  Yeah, still nothing.  Really, the only other roles you’ll recognize him from are NOT Tarantino films.  Roles like DannyPickett on “LOST.”  Yes.  Yes, that guy.  I get the feeling that Tarantino is deliberately setting this guy up to be a future rediscovered actor, much like Michael Parks.  Perhaps twenty years from now some new hot-shit director will say “Get me that guy from the Tarantino films!  No, the other guy!”  And you’ll be able to say “Oh, yeah!  I’ve loved that guy since he played Larry in ‘Night of the Comet!'”

Honorable mentions:

Sonny Chiba – Some people are unaware that “True Romance” was a Tarantino film.  He wrote it, anyway.  In fact, it was the first screenplay he completed.  The character of Clarence Worley was supposed to represent Tarantino himself, back in his days as a video store clerk.  Clarence absolutely loves kung-fu movies, especially those starring Sonny Chiba.  Years later, QT picks Sonny to play the legendary swordsmith Hattori Hanzo in the “Kill Bill” movies, films on which he also served as a fight choreographer.  Not bad for a dude that’s been acting professionally since 1959.

Pam Grier – Yeah, the TV shows and blacksploitation films Quentin loves to reference?  Pam Grier.  ‘Nuff said.

Quentin Tarantino – Okay, look: the dude is not a great actor.  And sometimes he does stuff like adopt a fake Australian accent for his role in Django. Theses decisions make you shake your head, and even worse, they pull you out of the  story and make you painfully aware that you’re watching a movie.  But sometimes he’s actually funny, like when he played the exasperated Jimmie in “Pulp Fiction” or the obviously headed-for-a-psychotic-break Richie in “Dusk Til Dawn.” When he sticks to cute little cameos, he’s okay.  When he does “Destiny Turns on the Radio” he’s absolutely horrible.  And to think that he originally planned to play Mr. Pink in “Reservoir Dogs.”  Choosing Steve Buschemi to take over the role was the first of many great ideas he’s had.  Cheers, Quentin.  Y’done good.

Point Break Breakdown

Yeah, I did it.  Pulled out my worn DVD copy of Point Break.  Watched it.  It was awesome.  It is always awesome.  My wife?  She don’t think it’s so awesome.  In fact, she says “Why you wanna watch that thang agin fer da ate-hunnert time, foo?”  (It’s true.  My wife is a crude stereotype of various ethnic and regional caricatures.  I love that about her.)

Yet another stereotype!  I'm rollin'!  (Like a rolling pin.  Get it?)

Yet another stereotype! I’m rollin’! (Like a rolling pin. Get it?)

Her point, delivered in some made-up patois, was that I tend to watch the same movies over and over again.  This is in part because A) there aren’t a whole lot of good movies out there that bear repeat viewing B) Netflix doesn’t update their selections nearly often enough for my tastes and C) flicks like Point Break are popcorn.  Not terribly fulfilling, but they’re awesome in a pinch.  You can always throw a bag of Pop Secret in the ol’ microwave, and you can always find a movie like Point Break on one of the cable networks even if you don’t have access to a DVD copy.  Perfect.

Real subtle, Spike.  Really. Also?  Maybe just change the name to "PENIS TEEVEE!"

Real subtle, Spike. Really. Also? Maybe just change the name to “PENIS TEEVEE!”

But upon my most recent viewing of the epic tale of young FBI agent Johnny Utah (ed. note: if you haven’t seen Point Break and/or don’t know the plot synopsis or principal characters, then you won’t get much out of this blog, as I have little time to recap the subtle intricacies of the whole tale.  Sorry!) several points leapt out at me, like daggers of the mind (actually nothing like that, but I’m on a roll and LOVE parentheses.) For example:

I seriously don’t think Busey ever learned his lines.  At all.  Was most of his performance ad-libbed?  Not a bad guess.  For example, watch the scene where he’s in the car and Utah is about to get pummeled by the Surf Nazis.  He either can’t remember his lines, never learned them, or was distracted by something off-camera.  Terrible.  (But brilliant, because it’s Busey.)



At no point does Utah ever ask (or even wonder, it would seem) what the hell Bodhi does for a living.  I mean, kid…wake up.  You’re investigating a bunch of bank robberies.  The chief suspects would appear to be surfers.  And here’s a surfer who has a multi-story concrete-bunker mansion full of candles and pictures and fire-eaters and stoned chicks and it’s pretty much right on the beach and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU AFFORD THIS PLACE, BODHI?!?!  ALSO, WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?!?! JUST IN CASE IT’S ON SOME INTERPOL WATCH LIST OR SOMETHING!

This guy wants to be Flea.  He is not.  Also, his hat is a shirt.  Radical.

This guy wants to be Flea. He is not. Also, his hat is a shirt. Radical.

Keanu and Swayze were teammates before this movie.  Yep.  In the classic (actually pretty bad) hockey flick Youngblood.  Keanu didn’t have a huge role.  He was one of the goalies on Patrick’s Hamilton Mustangs and I think he was supposed to be Québécois.  Or retarded.  Maybe both.

See?  Goalies are CRAY-ZAY!!!

See? Goalies are CRAY-ZAY!!!

Lori Petty was fucking huge in the 90’s.  This flick, Tank Girl, A League of their Own, In The Army Now…then…what?  Where did she go?  Also, is she a lesbian?  If so, that’s a waste, because she’s hella cute and has amazing eyes and a sexy little voice.

Oh, yeah.  She's starring in "The Rachel Maddow Story."

Oh, yeah. She’s starring in “The Rachel Maddow Story.”

“Hide the shit!” is one of my favorite lines in any movie, and it’s been used in a bunch of them.  I also like to yell it loudly when I have unexpected guests arrive at my door, just in case it actually IS the cops and they’re coming for my shit.

"We know you're in there, Watson!  We can hear you doing weird hair stuff!"

“We know you’re in there, Watson! We can hear you doing weird hair stuff!”

You know I love and am fascinated by quantum mechanics and such.  As an amateur quantum physics aficionado, let me assure you that there is no way Utah’s surf board would’ve fit in his Shelby Mustang, even with the windows down.  Dude.  Like, not ever.  Simply not possible.  The board seemed to be about an 8′ funboard with chunky rails.  The only possible way to do it would be to put down the windows on both driver and passenger sides and stick the board straight through. The problem with this configuration, of course, is that there would be no way to drive the car.  Unless you had a little midget with a periscope, in which case maybe the car would get going so fast that there would be lift created by the board sticking out on both sides and the Mustang would actually end up airborne!  A flying FBI surf-mobile!  Fuck, I hope they make a sequel and it includes a midget-driven primer-covered flying FBI surf mobile.  God damn, I can smell the Oscars…

Get Dinklage on set NOW!!!

Get Dinklage on set NOW!!!

That One Gal (Swingers Edition)

Thank you, Netflix.  Yes, your lack of new releases and DVD-Only versions of some classics frustrates the holy hell out of me.  One thing the Netflix gang does do well is keeping me in touch with some of my casual friends, the ones I haven’t seen in a while.  “Running Scared” (the Billy Crystal one, not the Paul Walker travesty) made it back to the Instant Queue and so did “Swingers.”  Damn, what a great flick.  Hard to imagine that it’s sixteen years old!!  Before Charlie Sheen, if you saw someone wearing a retro silk shirt and a chain wallet, you knew they were money, baby.  And the scene where Mikey calls Nikki’s voicemail…over…and over…is so agonizing.  The fact that–

Wait.  I’m getting ahead of myself.   The point of this blog entry is to underscore the amount of hot tail that you forgot was in this film.  And we might as well start with Nikki.  You remember Nikki, right?

Girl LOVED her some olives!

Yeah, Nikki.  The young lady from whom Mikey FINALLY gets some digits, baby, ’cause he’s this big fuckin’ BEAR, man.  The young lady with whom Mike immediately blows any chance of romance by calling her voicemail (sorry…it was 1996, so technically he called her answering machine) that same night, breaking a cardinal rule about waiting to ring up a beautiful baby.  Guys everywhere know that scene so well…because we’ve all friggin’ DONE IT.  It’s painful.  It’s excruciating.  We feel so bad for Mike, and scream at the screen for him to “stop, for the love of God!”  But part of the magic of that scene is knowing that Nikki is pretty hot.  Not just that she’s cute, but also confident and quirky.  We’d all love a chance to play “bear versus bunny” with her.  She was kind of an alt-chick.  The last person you’d expect to be a professional cheerleader, no matter how pretty she was.


Yep, that’s Nikki.  Rather, that’s actress Brooke Langton portraying Annabelle Farrell, head cheerleader of the Washington Sentinels in the enjoyable TNT network staple “The Replacements.”  Apparently, Brooke has been in plenty of stuff like Melrose Place for years.  I still, however, cannot understand why she hasn’t become a superstar.  She’s gorgeous.  She seems to have a sense of humor, and she can play various types of hot chicks.  I mean, she’d make an excellent Catwoman.  Instead of, well.  Yeah.

Next up?  That one incredibly hot chick from Swingers.  Remember her?

Oh, yeah! Sure! (Actually, no. WHO?!?)

Maybe you know her better as “Girl With Cigar.”

Oh. Wait…that’s the SAME PERSON?!?

Yep.  The actress (who has obviously aged REALLY well) is Blake Lindsley, and she probably gets voicemails meant for Blake Lively.  When that happens, Blake Lindsley probably cries quietly to herself, wondering what might have been.  Even though the character in Swingers is simply credited as “Girl With Cigar” she makes the most of a relatively small role.  And it looked like she was going to be a breakout star, because the year after Swingers, she finally played a supporting character with an actual name…and we saw more of her skin, which is always welcome.

Everyone remembers this scene. EVERYONE.

In Starship Troopers, she was “Katrina” and it looked like she was on her way.  Seriously, in two years she appeared in two of the most-watched flicks of the late-90’s.  And sure enough, she parlayed her hot streak into roles like “School Teacher” in Glimmer Man and “Wife” in Ground Control. Wait…what?!  “Wife?”  That makes “Girl With Cigar” look like “Lady MacBeth!”  It’s too bad, because she seems quirky and fun.  Plus, she’s a natural redhead.  Another ten years and she’s Felicia Day.  Somebody should really give her another shot.  Seriously.

Now it gets serious. Ladies and gentlemen, Heather Graham as Lorraine and her amazing lip-bite.

Grrrrrr…daddy like!

Heather was no rookie when Swingers was released, having appeared in…get this…seventeen movies prior to this one.  That being said, her biggest role in cinema had probably been that of  “Mercedes Lane” in the amazingly over-rated (no, I mean it) Corey and Corey vehicle (I meant that, too.  I’m funny like that) License to Drive.  Of course, unlike Blake’s followup the next year, Heather’s was a blockbuster titled “Boogie Nights” which received three Oscar nominations and featured her full-frontal nudity as the now-famous Rollergirl.  Since then, Heather has appeared in a  bazillion movies, including recent hits like “The Hangover” and an amazingly sexy run on the TV show “Scrubs.” 

Speaking of television, I first discovered young Heather in a role most have forgotten…

Who cares about Laura Palmer? We’ve got Annie Blackburn!!!

Yep. Annie Blackburn from the incredible “Twin Peaks.”  Kids today don’t appreciate how much this show gave them.  Nowadays people flock to cable shows like The Walking Dead or Sons of Anarchy for their weekly dose of “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!”  But that just really didn’t happen prior to Twin Peaks.  It’s really fodder for a whole different blog entry, but imagine people meeting in coffee shops (this was pre-internet, people) to discuss last week’s episode of “M*A*S*H” or “Starsky and Hutch.”  It just didn’t happen.  And for me, Heather Graham’s Annie was the most amazing character of all, because she was so goddam beautiful with those Bette Davis eyes (THAT’S why she was in Swingers, I’ll betcha money) but she retained this air of innocence that was very rare in that sick, surreal setting.  Sigh.  STILL the best lip-bite ever.

Quickly, Quickly…

Holy crap…how long has it been? Last few weeks have been cray-cray!  (I do so love that expression.  By my next blog it’ll be so over I’ll wish for “Waaazzzzzuuuup!” to make a return.  Or perhaps “Yeah, baby!”)

So lets just catch up and I’ll lay some knowledge on you.  For example, later this month will be the “official” one-year anniversary of this place being open for business.  I don’t really think we got going until August, but since my first post here was a re-blog of one of my Facebook notes…yeah.  (Speaking of Facebook, how ’bout when some of us thought Google+ was gonna run roughshod over Zuckerberg?  Also, what the fuck is “roughshod”?)  But the point is, thanks for reading (and following and sharing!) because as I sit here and review stats I’ve had close to 43,000 views since then.  Sure, a good 1/3 of those are from people reading my Big Bang Theory rant (actually, only 7,148 views on that one, but still…)

But enough about me!  My delusions of grandeur are well-documented. It’s time to see what draws some of you miscreants to this sordid chunk of the interwebs. Here are todays’ top search criteria, or rather the searches that led folks here…


grammar nazi

paul watson is a douchebag

selina kyle porn


shakespeare in love kiss

dinosaur meme workout

carrot top before and after

hulk vs the incredible hulk movie

i fucking love cocaine


Who exactly is Paul Watson?  I mean, we might be related!  (Actually, I think it’s in reference to the Canadian environmental activist who fights against things like shark finning, which some of you know I absolutely detest.  If he’s a douchebag for trying to stop a ship from engaging in that horrible practice, then the Canadian connotation of “douchebag” must really mean “epic hero with balls of solid vibranium.”)

Technically, it’s “Free Captain Watson with purchase of regular drink” but it’s a nice gesture.


Also, what exactly would happen if the Hulk actually fought the movie “The Incredible Hulk?”  I mean, on a metaphysical level it would be interesting.  Like, if he stood outside the theater protesting with a big sign that read “HULK THINK TOO MUCH PATHOS!!  GRRAAAAAAGHHH!!  STILL BETTER THAN ANG LEE MOVIE!! HULK NOT PAY FOURTEEN DOLLARS FOR LARGE POPCORN COMBO!!” I would show up and cheer him on.  If, however, he literally fought the cast, crew, writer, director, producer, and food service people…whoa, that could get ugly.  I love Edward Norton, but pound-for-pound I’m going with the Other Guy.

” I will not be bullied by some dissatisfied fanbo–GAAAHHHH!!!!”


And I believe that P-90X is on the way out.  So is that “Insanity” thing.  Yep.  They’re the new Tae-Bo and soon health-conscience men and women will be engaging in the new hotness:  The Dinosaur Meme Workout.  It’s great, only takes fifteen minutes of Reddit a day, and leaves you with a lean, sexy core! Why, even Carrot Top is using it!  remember when he was a skinny redheaded Wendy’s rip-off?  Well, feast your eyes!

Wait, no! I meant AVERT your eyes! Avert! Man, I’m so sorry, guys.

Thanks for reading, though.  Writing feels good.  Having someone read it is better.




That One Guy…

So, I’m watching the Walking Dead the other day, and it hit me.  It hit me like a bolt from the blue.  It had been bothering me that I couldn’t place where I knew Norman Reedus, AKA the show’s best character, Daryl, from.  It was right there in front of me but I couldn’t connect the dots.  Then, BAM!  Epiphany! He’s none other than Murphy McManus, one of the vigilante brothers from “Boondock Saints.”  I’ve always thought that the film was over-rated, so maybe that’s why I didn’t get it at first.  If you spaced on the connection like I did, here’s your photographic memory-jogger…

One's a white-trash badass, and the other, is, uh...

So then I got to thinking about other actors who fall into the “Holy crap!  That’s the guy from _________!!” category.  For example, the bad guy from Avatar?  He’s also the dude from “Terra Nova” which should be cancelled any minute now.  “Okay,” you say, crossing you arms. “That was EASY.” Oh, yeah?  Did you know that the actor, Stephen Lang, was also none other than Ike Clanton in the amazing “Tombstone?”  Yep.  Take a gander…

Technically, they're both saying "Get off mah land!"

Now you’re impressed, aren’t you?  How ’bout a couple of tri-fectas?  True fanboys already know, but here are some heavyweight character actors.  Jonathan Rhys-Davies, for example. If you’re my age (um, older than forty.  Gulp.) then you probably first ran across this likeable Brit in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Last Crusade” in which he played Indy’s sidekick Sallah. If you’re not yet qualified for AARP, however, you probably know him from his roles in the “Lord of the Rings” franchise.  Yes, I said “roles” because not only did he portray Gimli the dwarf (i.e., comic relief) he also voiced Treebeard the Ent (i.e., environmental message.)  Oh, and he’s also the voice of Spongebob villain Man Ray.  True story.

Not pictured: Man Ray's beard.

“Wait!” You object. “Cartoon characters? That’s not fair.”  I respect your opinion.  Also?  You’ll hate this next one: more Spongebob.  The voice of one of my personal heroes, Eugene H. Krabs, is none other than the rich, deep baritone of Mr. Clancy Brown.  That’s the same Clancy Brown that gave life to The Kurgan from “Highlander” and Sgt. Zim in “Starship Troopers.”  Clancy is awesome, and die-hards will also remember him from one of my all-time favorites, “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai.”  The problem with an actor like Clancy Brown is that I quickly run out of space for pictures of his various roles.  That’s a good thing.

In some ways, Mr. Krabs is the most intimidating dude in this picture.

Another fantastic actor who disappears into his roles is Ron Perlman.  Nowadays, everyone gets to see his face on shows like “Sons of Anarchy.”  But his claim to fame has been being able to act and emote through layers and layers of prosthetic makeup.  Yes, this is the man behind Vincent, the lead…uh…well, beast on the television show “Beauty and the Beast.”  You may not remember that program, youngsters, as it began its run in nineteen-freaking-eighty-seven, but your moms probably rubbed one out while watching it.  Hell, you may have been conceived after dad came home and found mom rubbing one out to a cat-man who quoted Shakespeare and lived in the sewers.  (Trust me, chicks went CaTCUB for that stuff.)  In-between “Beast” and “SoA” he found time to provide the voice for about a million video game characters (War.  War never changes…) and, oh yeah…he put on a shitload of makeup to create the title character in the “Hellboy” movies.  Prolific? Fuck and yes.

"Say, you have a powerful jawline. We'd like to make you look like a kitty-cat. Cool?"

Finally, here’s an M. Night Shyamalan-style twist for you.  I had to scan the credits for this one, because at first I didn’t believe it.  Remember that “Firefly” episode that started with a flashback to Simon and River as kids?  Sure you do.  Anyway, the kid that played “Young Simon?”  Zac Motherfuckin’ Efron.

The same number of people that saw this episode of Firefly saw "New Year's Eve" on opening weekend.

I know that I left out some heavyweights.  Gary Oldman and Edward Norton.  Ewan McGregor.  Etc.  You can IMDB that shit yourself, suckas.  I got me movies to watch. Peace.