I’m running out of clever names for these fake celebrity news blogs, so sorry for the lame header. But goddammit, these are so much fun. Let’s dive right in to the fake movie stuff…
Royal Reboot for Kiwi!
The non-stop runaway success story that is New Zealand’s wunderkind Lorde doesn’t show any signs of slowing down! The teenage pop sensation recently signed on for the long-rumored reboot of 80’s teen flick “Say Anything.” Of course, curious readers would assume that Lorde would be recreating the role of Diane Court, originally made famous by Ione Skye in the original 1989 classic. Not so fast!
“Well, that was the original idear, but when they came to me and offered me the paht, I toold ’em straight away that it was the lead or nuthin’!” Yes, movie buffs, it’s the ol’ gender switch-a-roo, with Lorde playing the part of Layne Dobler, a troubled young skate rat who desperately tries to woo the out-of-her league male love interest (rumored to be Josh Hutcherson.) “I figger I’m almost Australian, so should be right spry enough a catty-wampus to dinkum’ up a todger all owly-like!” Amen to that, sister! Shooting for the newly-titled #NEthing begins this summer.
Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!
It’s been a hit-or-miss few years for heartthrob and abdominal muscle Ryan Reynolds. But it looks like that luck is changing, as Ry-Ry has signed to lend his voice to a sequel to the Netflix hit kid’s movie “Turbo.” The project got the go-ahead when Dreamworks purchased iPhone game maker Republic of Fun after their recent bankruptcy. The game studio had a modest hit of sorts with ‘Slug Wars’ for mobile devices and tablets. Could that be a hint of things to come for America’s favorite gastropod and his pals?
“Well, obviously we’re taking Turbo in a bold new direction. The initial thought was to do it as a prequel, show all the snails as babies. Then we realized that they would all be terribly slow babies. And it just got weird,” Reynolds recently told reporters. “But with the recent rights to the title [Slug Wars] we’re going to have the wacky bunch of slimy molluscs actually join the War on Terror. There’ll be a lot of NSA-style commentary and the Patriot Act gets sort of scrutinized and it’s just a great way for kids to learn about how the government really does have their best interests at stake. I mean, the shell, right? The shell on Turbo’s back is a great analogy for personal privacy or something. I don’t know, really. I haven’t read the script, but hey…freedom, right?” We couldn’t have said it better!
One voice from the first film that will likely be missing from Turbo 2: Slug Wars [working title] will be that of veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson. Of course, Jackson is no novice when it comes to voice-acting, and has been featured in numerous animated flicks. No, the real reason why the classy Sammy J might miss out on the fun this time around is due to a crazy busy schedule that has the actor moving…and might just have him running from prehistoric monsters!
That’s right, you heard it here first: 20th Century Fox is working on a super-big super-secret project that is rumored to involve a return to Jurassic Park! Jackson has been fairly tight-lipped, but let the following slip during the Red Carpet during the London premiere of Captain America: Winter Soldier…
“I mean, here’s Mr. Arnold, right? Smokin’ cigarettes and sh*t right there at the computer. G*d d*amn, that’s some hard-core sh*t right there. You know right away that he’s a bad mother f*cker, maybe the baddest on that motherf*ckin’ island. So he goes to turn on the power, and it’s like ‘a skinny-a*s velociraptor gonna take him out?’ H*ll, no! You know he’s out there somewhere, waitin’ to pop a cap in some dino’s a*s.”
But what about the fact that Mr. Arnold has obviously lost an arm to the dangerous dinos?
“Did you see this motherf*ckin’ movie right here? [CA:TWS] Bucky got him a motherf*ckin’ robot arm. That’s some serious sh*t right there. I mean, motherf*cker catches Cap’s f*ckin’ SHIELD with that thing! Now, here’s Mr. Arnold, right? He’s lost an arm, but they got all kinds of science sh*t on that island. Who’s to say he didn’t grow it back? Clone it or some sh*t? Or maybe he’s just that bad-a*s that he only needs one arm. H*ll, Nick Fury only got one eye, right? You gonna f*ck with Fury? Didn’t think so. Nah, Arnold is out there. Maybe he swims to Costa Rica or some god d*amn place. All’s I know is that they wanna make a movie, and I aim to be in that mother f*cker.”
Sounds like we’re all taking a welcome return to Jurassic Park sooner than we think!
[NEXT WEEK IN CELBRI-NOOZ: SPIELBERG DISHES ON HIS LATEST PROJECT! “IT’S NOT GODD*AM JURASSIC PARK, SO QUIT ASKING.”]