Hollywood Scuttlebeat!

I’m running out of clever names for these fake celebrity news blogs, so sorry for the lame header.  But goddammit, these are so much fun.  Let’s dive right in to the fake movie stuff…

Royal Reboot for Kiwi!

The non-stop runaway success story that is New Zealand’s wunderkind Lorde doesn’t show any signs of slowing down!  The teenage pop sensation recently signed on for the long-rumored reboot of 80’s teen flick  “Say Anything.”  Of course, curious readers would assume that Lorde would be recreating the role of Diane Court, originally made famous by Ione Skye in the original 1989 classic.  Not so fast!

lorde

Lorde models the prototype GHEToBlstr mp3 player (designed by Beats by Dre) that plays a key role in the film.

“Well, that was the original idear, but when they came to me and offered me the paht, I toold ’em straight away that it was the lead or nuthin’!”  Yes, movie buffs, it’s the ol’ gender switch-a-roo, with Lorde playing the part of Layne Dobler, a troubled young skate rat who desperately tries to woo the out-of-her league male love interest (rumored to be Josh Hutcherson.)  “I figger I’m almost Australian, so should be right spry enough a catty-wampus to dinkum’ up a todger all owly-like!”  Amen to that, sister!  Shooting for the newly-titled #NEthing begins this summer.

 

Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!

ryan goofy

It’s been a hit-or-miss few years for heartthrob and abdominal muscle Ryan Reynolds.  But it looks like that luck is changing, as Ry-Ry has signed to lend his voice to a sequel to the Netflix hit kid’s movie “Turbo.”  The project got the go-ahead when Dreamworks purchased iPhone game maker Republic of Fun after their recent bankruptcy.  The game studio had a modest hit of sorts with ‘Slug Wars’ for mobile devices and tablets.  Could that be a hint of things to come for America’s favorite gastropod and his pals?

“Well, obviously we’re taking Turbo in a bold new direction.  The initial thought was to do it as a prequel, show all the snails as babies.  Then we realized that they would all be terribly slow babies.  And it just got weird,” Reynolds recently told reporters.  “But with the recent rights to the title [Slug Wars] we’re going to have the wacky bunch of slimy molluscs actually join the War on Terror.  There’ll be a lot of NSA-style commentary and the Patriot Act gets sort of scrutinized and it’s just a great way for kids to learn about how the government really does have their best interests at stake.  I mean, the shell, right?  The shell on Turbo’s back is a great analogy for personal privacy or something.  I don’t know, really.  I haven’t read the script, but hey…freedom, right?”  We couldn’t have said it better!

Jurassic Sam?

One voice from the first film that will likely be missing from Turbo 2:  Slug Wars [working title] will be that of veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson.  Of course, Jackson is no novice when it comes to voice-acting, and has been featured in numerous animated flicks.  No, the real reason why the classy Sammy J might miss out on the fun this time around is due to a crazy busy schedule that has the actor moving…and might just have him running from prehistoric monsters!

"This is how I imagine Mr. Arnold looks now.  See, he ain't got time for yo' sh*t."  - Sam Jackson

“This is how I imagine Mr. Arnold looks now. See, he ain’t got time for yo’ sh*t.” – Sam Jackson

That’s right, you heard it here first:  20th Century Fox is working on a super-big super-secret project that is rumored to involve a return to Jurassic Park!  Jackson has been fairly tight-lipped, but let the following slip during the Red Carpet during the London premiere of Captain America: Winter Soldier…

“I mean, here’s Mr. Arnold, right?  Smokin’ cigarettes and sh*t right there at the computer.  G*d d*amn, that’s some hard-core sh*t right there.  You know right away that he’s a bad mother f*cker, maybe the baddest on that motherf*ckin’ island.  So he goes to turn on the power, and it’s like ‘a skinny-a*s velociraptor gonna take him out?’  H*ll, no!  You know he’s out there somewhere, waitin’ to pop a cap in some dino’s a*s.”

But what about the fact that Mr. Arnold has obviously lost an arm to the dangerous dinos?

“Did you see this motherf*ckin’ movie right here? [CA:TWS]  Bucky got him a motherf*ckin’ robot arm.  That’s some serious sh*t right there.  I mean, motherf*cker catches Cap’s f*ckin’ SHIELD with that thing!  Now, here’s Mr. Arnold, right?  He’s lost an arm, but they got all kinds of science sh*t on that island.  Who’s to say he didn’t grow it back?  Clone it or some sh*t?  Or maybe he’s just that bad-a*s that he only needs one arm.  H*ll, Nick Fury only got one eye, right?  You gonna f*ck with Fury?  Didn’t think so.  Nah, Arnold is out there.  Maybe he swims to Costa Rica or some god d*amn place.  All’s I know is that they wanna make a movie, and I aim to be in that mother f*cker.”

Sounds like we’re all taking a welcome return to Jurassic Park sooner than we think!

 

[NEXT WEEK IN CELBRI-NOOZ: SPIELBERG DISHES ON HIS LATEST PROJECT! “IT’S NOT GODD*AM JURASSIC PARK, SO QUIT ASKING.”]

Quickly, Quickly…

Holy crap…how long has it been? Last few weeks have been cray-cray!  (I do so love that expression.  By my next blog it’ll be so over I’ll wish for “Waaazzzzzuuuup!” to make a return.  Or perhaps “Yeah, baby!”)

So lets just catch up and I’ll lay some knowledge on you.  For example, later this month will be the “official” one-year anniversary of this place being open for business.  I don’t really think we got going until August, but since my first post here was a re-blog of one of my Facebook notes…yeah.  (Speaking of Facebook, how ’bout when some of us thought Google+ was gonna run roughshod over Zuckerberg?  Also, what the fuck is “roughshod”?)  But the point is, thanks for reading (and following and sharing!) because as I sit here and review stats I’ve had close to 43,000 views since then.  Sure, a good 1/3 of those are from people reading my Big Bang Theory rant (actually, only 7,148 views on that one, but still…)

But enough about me!  My delusions of grandeur are well-documented. It’s time to see what draws some of you miscreants to this sordid chunk of the interwebs. Here are todays’ top search criteria, or rather the searches that led folks here…

 

grammar nazi

paul watson is a douchebag

selina kyle porn

grammarnazi

shakespeare in love kiss

dinosaur meme workout

carrot top before and after

hulk vs the incredible hulk movie

i fucking love cocaine

 

Who exactly is Paul Watson?  I mean, we might be related!  (Actually, I think it’s in reference to the Canadian environmental activist who fights against things like shark finning, which some of you know I absolutely detest.  If he’s a douchebag for trying to stop a ship from engaging in that horrible practice, then the Canadian connotation of “douchebag” must really mean “epic hero with balls of solid vibranium.”)

Technically, it’s “Free Captain Watson with purchase of regular drink” but it’s a nice gesture.

 

Also, what exactly would happen if the Hulk actually fought the movie “The Incredible Hulk?”  I mean, on a metaphysical level it would be interesting.  Like, if he stood outside the theater protesting with a big sign that read “HULK THINK TOO MUCH PATHOS!!  GRRAAAAAAGHHH!!  STILL BETTER THAN ANG LEE MOVIE!! HULK NOT PAY FOURTEEN DOLLARS FOR LARGE POPCORN COMBO!!” I would show up and cheer him on.  If, however, he literally fought the cast, crew, writer, director, producer, and food service people…whoa, that could get ugly.  I love Edward Norton, but pound-for-pound I’m going with the Other Guy.

” I will not be bullied by some dissatisfied fanbo–GAAAHHHH!!!!”

 

And I believe that P-90X is on the way out.  So is that “Insanity” thing.  Yep.  They’re the new Tae-Bo and soon health-conscience men and women will be engaging in the new hotness:  The Dinosaur Meme Workout.  It’s great, only takes fifteen minutes of Reddit a day, and leaves you with a lean, sexy core! Why, even Carrot Top is using it!  remember when he was a skinny redheaded Wendy’s rip-off?  Well, feast your eyes!

Wait, no! I meant AVERT your eyes! Avert! Man, I’m so sorry, guys.

Thanks for reading, though.  Writing feels good.  Having someone read it is better.

 

 

 

What is Wrong With You People?

Whew!  Been a busy week.  I haven’t had a whole lot of time for writing, and honestly wasn’t really inspired to put anything down until I looked at some of my web stats.  One of the features that WordPress provides for bloggers is a measure of how many different search terms led people to your page.  Sometimes the results are, well…surprising.  Sometimes they’re plain ol’ obvious.  Take a look at my search engine referrals for the past 30 days…

1. big bang theory isn’t funny
2. fake tan fail
3. tan fail
4. fake tan
5. fake tan orange
6. why the big bang theory isn’t funny
7. carrot top before and after
8. amish
9. yar yar bins
10. viking rape
11. misfits shirt
12. cynthia gibb
13. skater hair
14. big bang theory not funny anymore
15. 50s flying saucer
16. misfits merch
17. turner watson
18. male second life hair
19. chaps
20. range fake tan

Okay, then.  Sure, people are still reading my rant about TBBT.  That’s actually very flattering, and a little hopeful.  It’s nice to know there are some people who “get it.”  Also, notice how many “fake tan” searches landed on my page.  Holy crap!  People is KRAY-ZEE for that orangey goodness.  After all, look how popular “Jersey Shore” is.  But then there are other searches.  Check out #9: the search(es) for “Yar Yar Bins.” Yes, more than one person searched for “Yar Yar Bins.”  The problem, of  course, is that THERE’S NO SUCH FUCKING THING! So now I’m confused.  Are people looking for Jar Jar Binks?  Or Tasha Yar?  Or storage bins?  What?

Ironically, no searches for "Ronaldinho looks like a slightly-racist stereotype CG douchebag"

It’s also comforting to know that people are going to Google, bing, etc. to look for someone named “Turner Watson.”  I’m right up there with ol’ Yar Yar!  Of course, I’m way behind “viking rape,”  “Cynthia Gibb,” and “Skater hair.”  In fact, I barely beat out “male second life hair” and “chaps.”  Good company, nonetheless!

But then it gets weird.  The following are some of the search terms that didn’t make the top twenty, but deserve a bit of scrutiny, in order that we might discover something about the nature of the interwebs and also a little about ourselves.  Dig into these gems:

“spice hair for boys” – Spice Hair is the new Candy Floss

“nazi five races nordic phallic” – this is either a new Papa John’s offering or a spa pedicure treatment that’s sure to be  hit! (Paging Mel Gibson, right?  Right!)

“cussing sapphire ring” – motherfucker oughtta be fucking OPAL, bitch!

“silly sailors drinking” – Sailors? Drinking?  ARE YOU MAD?!?!

“short hair cuts for oddly shaped heads” – The ‘fro.  That’s the only possible answer.

“my drunk sister in law passed out naked” – so that’s who that was.

“candy fromscotlandcalled skittles” – or, as we call them in the USA, “skittles.”

“things about t-rex” – there are some really neat things about t-rex.  Unfortunately, I haven’t really covered them in my blog, so don’t ask me how the hell they ended up at my page.  Thanks, though!  Dinosaurs rule!

Not sure what sort of workout program that is, but it beats P-90X all to hell.