Context is King

December 3, 2019December 3, 2019Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

Disclaimer: I am wholeheartedly aboard the #MeToo train. Hell, I’m a feminist snowflake, if that’s the language you want to use. Our sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends deserve better, quite frankly. However, I also acknowledge when “cancel culture” goes too far. Political Correctness usually has the noblest of intentions, but now and then it gets in the way, and creates division where there has previously been none. Case in point: the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

Watch this video.

Here are the first two times this song was ever recorded for distribution, from the 1949 film “Neptune’s Daughter.” We start with Ester Williams and Ricardo Freakin’ Montalban (!) doing the version we all know…the wolfish male predator and his hesitant quarry. Okay, yeah. It looks really bad. When he grabs her arm…repeatedly…to prevent her escape…oof. Not a good look. At least in the radio versions, like Dean Martin’s 1959 rendition, or the (far superior) Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer version from 1949, we don’t actually see the couple. We can imagine that she really does want to stay, but feels guilty, because people back in the late-40’s and 50’s were completely repressed, and slut-shaming was rampant…like, he’s almost doing her a favor in making the decision for her. Still, when you see Ricardo essentially chase her around the room, it’s a little unsettling to modern eyes.

And then we get to observe the other couple, and, uh…well, now!

I mean, come on! Showing her KNEE! Like some shameless HUSSY!

From the same film, we see Red Skelton doing a cartoonishly bad accent, and the tables have turned…his lusty adversary is Betty Garrett, and she demands, like any liberated woman, to have her needs met, by God. Years later, in her powerful “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” Thelma Houston expressed her similar desire thusly:

“Oh baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you

Now, come on down and do what you’ve got to do…”

Do what you’ve got to do. Yes. TELL HIM, SISTER!! That was the disco-clad Sexual Revolution in the Swinging’ 70’s, but even then, fairly bold. A woman? Demanding sexual gratification from her mate?! CLUTCH THOSE PEARLS!!

“Okay, great…but what’s your point? That we should forgive Montalban’s character for his aggressive courtship?” Well, no. Not entirely. But we have to realize that A) it was a wayyyyy different time and B) the scene exists primarily as a way to set up the much more comedic scene which follows. The Red Skelton stuff would have been somewhat humorous in and of itself…but after seeing the “male” version, it’s even more impactful when Betty Garrett throws her conquest on the couch…sits on him…and turns out the light. She’s in complete control, and there’s not a damn thing Red can do about it. And as a viewer, we all sort of agree that he really doesn’t want to anyway. And, ultimately, as things tended to do in the screwball comedies of yesteryear, everything worked out, and both couples found love. Here’s the official “Neptune’s Daughter” synopsis from IMDB:

Scatterbrained Betty Barrett mistakes masseur Jack Spratt for Jose O’Rourke, the captain of the South American polo team. Spratt goes along with the charade, but the situation becomes more complicated when they fall in love. Meanwhile, Betty’s sensible older sister Eve fears Betty’s heart will be broken when Jose returns to South America. She arranges to meet with the real O’Rourke and love soon blossoms between them as well.

This brief description leaves out that Eve is an aquatic dancer (hence the movie’s title) and that she’s actually partnered with a man (the omnipresent Keenan Wynn) in a swimwear company. Partnered. Equal. She is, by 1940’s standards, a powerful, professional woman. Athletic, smart, cunning, and protective of her younger sister. Does it make Ricardo’s Jose O’Rourke (his character’s actual name, and Beto O’Rourke is totally biting his rhyme, yo) any less creepy? Not really. But it implies that Eve was more than capable of fending for herself. And that makes a huge difference; she’s not some meek little virgin, not some naive waif who simply doesn’t stand a chance against the machismo of a young Khan Noonien Singh. (And who among us can truly say that? Not I. I’m a 49-year-old heterosexual male, but if he wanted to chase me ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom, well, heck…no mere mortal can resist such masculinity, especially if it smells of rich Corinthian leather.) I digress. Okay, in conclusion, I’ll simply say that yeah, “no” means “no.” Still. But it’s never wise to take isolated incidents out of context. Do the homework. Read the entire article. Watch the interview. Consider everything before leaping to condemn. And above all, relax, people. Have fun. Kiss him or her. If they slap your face, stop. Pretty simple.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone.

A Solution For Marvel

March 18, 2016June 28, 2018Turner L. Watson 6 Comments

First, Spider-Man. Soon, the Fantastic Four. And eventually, the X-Men. One by one, the various Sony and 20^th Century Foxes of the world are coming to the conclusion that “if you can’t beat ‘em, at least enter into a shared-revenue licensing deal with ‘em.” The rival studios are all slowly realizing that not only can they just not do these stories as well as Marvel, but the epic nature of the films is damned expensive to produce. The upcoming X-Men: Apocalypse flick is make-or-break. And realistically, even if it DOES make money, is it worth it to the studio? Or is the smart move to just go halfsies with the big boys and reap all of the profit with zero risk?

But when that day comes, Marvel has a bit of a problem on its hands: how to explain all of these mutants suddenly appearing in the same universe that has slowly expanded from one guy in a suit of mechanized armor into, well…Age of Ultron?

Fear not, Marvel. I’ve got you covered. Here’s the scene that makes the transition, and I don’t even want any money. I just want a screenwriting credit. Deal? Good.

INT: AN UPSCALE RESTAURANT IN MANHATTAN

TONY STARK is already seated as his friend DR. BRUCE BANNER slides into the seat opposite him. The contrast is painfully obvious. TONY is dressed in a $3000 sharkskin suit. BANNER wears what looks like an un-pressed corduroy blazer over a white cotton shirt, no tie.

BANNER: Impressive. Really, I can never get a table anywhere in this town.

TONY: (Checking the wine list, distracted) Hmm? Oh. Yeah, no problem.

BANNER: So, what is the problem?

TONY: Did I say there was a problem?

BANNER: I don’t hear from you in like ten weeks and all of a sudden you’re flying me here to New York. That’s…forgive me for sounding paranoid, but I know you.

TONY: Can’t I simply have a friend over for dinner?

BANNER: (Picking up a menu) You fly all your friends halfway across the world for steaks?

TONY: It’s Wagyu. And I don’t have a lot of friends.

BANNER: Excellent point.

A BEAT as the two regard each other, neither speaking.

TONY: God, you know me so well. Okay, I wanted to get your take on something.

BANNER: There it is.

TONY: You got me. So, here’s the thing—

BANNER: Wait, so, is this work stuff? We’re not at your place. I’m guessing that’s by design. Where’s the rest of the team? Is this SHIELD?

TONY: It’s not like that. I just, I need someone smart to run this by.

BANNER: What about Richards? Didn’t they move into the Baxter Building? That’s right up the street.

TONY: Okay, first, Reed creeps me out a little bit. He’s…arrogant.

BANNER: Oh, he’s arrogant?

TONY: Plus, all that stretchy stuff. I can’t help but hear “Rubber Band Man” in my head every time he opens his mouth. But no, he’s not a geneticist, and—

BANNER: Neither am I. But you know that.

TONY: Would you just shut up for a second? Please. This has been…it’s been driving me nuts.

BANNER: Okay. Sorry. Not sure what I can offer, but I’m here now, so go ahead. Lay it on me.

TONY: Thank you. Seriously, because—okay. Anything strike you as odd about the spider kid?

BANNER: You mean Spider-Man?

TONY: Man? Really? He won’t even shave for another three years. That’s what he’s calling himself?

BANNER: That’s what the press is calling him.

TONY: We’ve gotta get ahead of that, nip it in the bud. But what do you know about him?

BANNER: I hear he’s smart. And, ability-wise, I understand he’s strong. Sticks to walls? Shoots webs?

TONY: He’s incredibly smart. He made those shooters, did you know that? Came up with his own formula. I’m going to hire him, he’ll be an asset to Stark Industries. But yeah, the crawling stuff. Strength, too. He’s not as strong as Thor, or…you know, Jolly Green Giant…but he’s way past normal human parameters.

BANNER: And so far he’s using these abilities for good. So…what’s the issue?

TONY: The issue is “how?” “Why?” Where did this all come from? Supposedly he got bitten by a magic spider or something.

BANNER: Magic spider?

TONY: I don’t know, like radioactive or genetically enhanced. But see, that’s what got me thinking.

BANNER: Go on.

TONY: What if he already had these…abilities. What if he were sort of waiting to manifest. And then, bam! Something happens. Maybe a spider bite. And sure, let’s say it’s radioactive or bears some sort of unknown toxin. Suppose his body’s way of responding to the threat is to mimic the attacker?

BANNER: So you’re saying we could’ve had the Sensational Snake-Man? Rat-Boy?

TONY: Yeah! Maybe! In other words, the bite just released what was already there. Inside. Waiting.

BANNER: I could see that. So…

TONY: So, why? What’s so special about this kid? What caused his body to do that? Everyone else that runs in our little circle, there’s a perfectly rational explanation. I built a suit. You altered your body’s chemistry with questionable gamma radiation exposure.

BANNER: I’d say it was more than questionable. So, take this to its logical conclusion: a couple of assassins, an AI that we created, a eugenics experiment gone right, and an extraterrestrial superman…sure, okay. But the twins were, what…some HYDRA experiment?

TONY: Ah, now we’re getting there. What if they weren’t? I mean, what if HYDRA twisted them a bit, poked ‘em, prodded them. The Avengers started an arms race. Now the bad guys need bigger guns. Granted. But what if the same thing happened to those two? The same thing that this Parker kid experienced when he got bitten or stabbed or whatever really happened?

BANNER: You’re saying that they were…predisposed? That all they needed was a trigger, some sort of trauma? To release their abilities?

TONY Exactly. I heard about a girl in Chicago who just started walking through things, walls, the ceiling, like a ghost. Roughly the same age as Spider-Boy.

BANNER: Spider-Man.

TONY: Whatever. So take it further…what if there are more? What if we’re seeing something unprecedented? What if we’re witnessing the dawn of a new species?

BANNER: Whoa, hang on…like evolution? That happens over millions of years, and—

TONY: Climate change. Climate change happens. Historically, geologically, we know that it goes in waves. Millions of years of change, from swamps to ice age and back.

BANNER: Okay..?

TONY: Human behavior has accelerated it. Pushed the clock forward.

BANNER: And you think we’re doing the same thing with evolution. Huh.

TONY: Think about all the above-ground nuclear testing we’ve done, as a species, since World War Two. All the genetically-modified crops. Growth hormones in the food. Pesticides. All of that has to have a cumulative effect, right? What if this is it?

BANNER: Mutations. You’re saying that humanity has started a chain-reaction of mutations, altering our very DNA. That’s a lot to take in.

TONY: But it’s possible.

BANNER: Well, it’s certainly not impossible.

TONY: Bruce, maybe that’s why we’re here. To help, I don’t know, usher in a new age. Or, you know…keep things from getting crazy.

BANNER: Crazier than dropping cities out of the sky? Or alien invasions?

TONY: You know what I mean.

BANNER: Huh. It’s noble to want to keep a lid on the bad stuff, Tony, but we’re all just tired. And it hasn’t exactly worked the way we wanted it to every time. I figured you’d be tired, too. Done with the police bit.

TONY: Look, I don’t want any more fighting. But I’m also tired of getting caught with my pants down.

ANOTHER BEAT as the pair look at their hands and fidget wordlessly.

BANNER: Mutations.

TONY: Mutants.

FADE OUT.

BONUS AFTER-CREDITS SCENE!!

FADE IN on TONY STARK sitting in a darkened office. It isn’t his; it’s an old, opulent-looking office straight out of Cambridge (actually, Oxford.)

We HEAR a door open, and light slashes across TONY as he raises a hand to shield his eyes. Suddenly the LIGHTS come on. From OFF-SCREEN we HEAR…

PROFESSOR X: What the devil are you doing? How did you get in here?

TONY: (standing) Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out. Apologies. I just didn’t want a lot of attention.

PROFESSOR X wheels his chair into frame.

PROFESSOR X: Tony Stark! I recognize you! To what do I owe the pleasure?

TONY: I have a proposition for you.

PROFESSOR X: Yes. Yes, I imagine you do.

FADE OUT.

When Bad Guys Were P*ssies.

May 1, 2015May 1, 2015Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

Maybe it was 9/11, you know? Like, maybe the horror and shock of that day forced us to ‘grow up’ for better or worse. We got tougher, a bit more wary and jaded. I don’t know. Maybe it was something else; Western Culture catching up a tiny bit with our European brethren, psychologically speaking. Whatever the case, the fact remains that back in the 80’s and early-90’s, we were soft, pink, mewling little kittens. 2015 us could wipe the floor with 1988 us. Fact.

Here’s what led me down this particular path of discovery. Recently I was doing an image search for actor Lee Tergesen. I’d considered putting together another “That One Guy” blog, with a slight difference in focus: I’d concentrate on one particular actor. Perhaps make a series of such posts, one for each iconic character actor. Lee is one of those guys who’s been in a lot of films and TV shows, usually sort of disappearing into his role, which is what makes him such a great actor. The same guy who played Tobias Beecher on HBO’s prison drama ‘Oz’ also played one of Wayne and Garth’s metalhead buddies, thrashing along to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ before appearing as Evan ‘Scribe’ Wright in ‘Generation: Kill’ and so on and so forth. Anyway, one of his earliest roles was that of Rosie in ‘Point Break.’

Rosie was the archetypical scary biker tough guy. Bodhi’s muscle, in a very real sense. (Note to self: consider a blog entry that examines how Bodhi, Utah, and Rosie were all manifestations of the Super-Ego, Ego, and Id.) Rosie was frightening, and supposedly capable of gutting someone with nary a concern other than trying to avoid getting any ‘on his shoes.’ I remember seeing the film when I was not quite twenty years old and thinking he was fairly intimidating. Rosie wasn’t a surfer, he was ostensibly some sort of biker. An outsider, even among the outsiders. He was a savage, and hey, remember that scene at the bonfire? Remember? The others are out surfing at night, but Rosie is back on the beach, drinking, and spitting booze onto the fire, making it flare up. Remember? I wonder what sort of wickedly potent, liver-pounding rot-gut booze he was slugging?

Wait…seriously? He’s drinking…

KICK THAT FIRE, ROSIE! YEAH! KICK IT! KICK IT AGAIN!

CORONA?! Are you fucking kidding me? A beer?! I mean, don’t get me wrong: beer is great. And Corona is easily one of the top-fifty beers from Mexico. But, c’mon. Rosie is a terrifying monster in bike leathers. He should be drinking moonshine or whiskey…maybe 151…ANYTHING approaching 100 proof. Beer? BEER THAT ONLY TASTES GOOD WITH A STINKIN’ LIME IN IT?! Might as well have been a Zima. (Actually, Zima was a malt liquor beverage with a higher alcohol content than most beers, so it would have been MORE manly.) A kid that had never actually (up to that point) been to an illegal beach bonfire or nearly incinerated a friend while spitting and igniting grain alcohol and other things that maybe I should stop talking about right now might have been impressed with Rosie. Shit, I was. Now I realize he’d get his ass kicked in any place outside of Malibu. Perhaps his ending was the most realistic part of the film. It happens off-screen, but Utah tells Bodhi that Rosie apparently got knifed to death in Mexico. What if that was Rosie’s first trip outside of his home county? He thinks he’s a tough guy, orders a Corona ‘straight up’ and the Mexicans beat the living shit out of him with bottles of Pacifico and Modelo.

So, R.I.P Rosie and his tough-guy image. I sat there thinking about him, and my mind flashed on another badass that maybe wasn’t. Bennett. The bad guy from ‘Commando.’ the actor’s name is Vernon Wells, and yes, I could do an entire ‘That One Guy’ on him. The dude’s appeared in everything from ‘The Power Rangers’ to ‘Innerspace’ and has no fewer than twenty-one projects due to be released this year alone. But the role you will probably remember him from was from the iconic Mad Max sequel, ‘The Road Warrior.’ He played a character named Wez and holy shitballs, was he scary.

Even the Kurgan would turn tail and run from all that crazy.

Wells would go on to almost exactly replicate that performance as a party-crashing biker/euphemism in ‘Weird Science.’ Again, an impressively crazy, wild-eyed psychopath on a motorcycle. Jesus, I almost crapped my pants just thinking about him.

When the guy from ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ is your sidekick, you are officially a bad-ass.

So when you learn that Vernon Wells is playing the nemesis in an Arnold Schwarzenegger action-adventure flick, you think “AW, YISSS!! MOTHER FUCKING BAD-ASSERY!” and then you get to the theater and see…

Hey, nice tactical sweater-vest!

Freddie Mercury?! What the actual fuck, man? What happened? Is that vest made of old pop-tops or just nasty grey yarn that his grandma didn’t want, because seriously, who wants an olive-grey tea cozy? Nobody, that’s who. Good call, grandma. While I’m talking about relatives, Bennett looks more like your weird uncle Gary that collects Thomas the Tank Engine stuff even though he doesn’t have any kids. Maybe that’s more unsettling. Could the makers of Commando been deliberately trying to give off that pedophile subtext? After all, the main point of the ‘plot’ is that Arnold’s daughter has been kidnapped…were the studio types making a statement? A subtle, veiled threat to the virtue and physical well-being of the girl in order to make moviegoers even more uneasy?

“Hey, kids…wanna see my Percy?”

Or had Wells simply let himself go between roles? Like, the casting director didn’t request an up-to-date headshot, and when Wells rolled up to his trailer on the first day of shooting, the director was all “Well…huh. Fuck it, we’re on a schedule people. Keep the mustache. We’re rolling in five.” Occam’s Razor makes that seem like the more likely scenario. Either way, though, you’re never truly convinced that this doughy, sweater-vested, Bob’s Burgers cosplay guy is going to be able to physically match up with Arnold’s character. They may as well have cast Kevin Spacey as the bad guy, although holy shit: Kevin Spacey in a mustache would be a GREAT Bob’s Burgers cosplay.

A really smug Bob ‘Keyser’ Belcher.

The point is, we were seemingly much more easily intimidated back in the day. I won’t even get into how the Friday the 13th movies look so dated compared to modern horror films and television. Seriously, the Jason Vorhees flicks remind me of old 50’s Martian invasion movies. But initially, they were terrifying enough to spawn a generation’s worth of sequels. I guess that’s sort of comforting. The things that scare us often turn out to be not so bad after all. Laughable, even. (Gene Simmons used to terrify people. Let that sink in for a second.) There’s a lesson there somewhere. Sleep tight, America.

Saying Goodbye With a Crappy Movie

March 24, 2015Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

You can’t go home again. It’s a tired expression, but damn it if Netflix doesn’t bring it into relevance with alarming regularity. Case in point:

Something sad but hopeful happened a few weeks back. The world lost the great Leonard Nimoy. He was many things, a poet, director, artist, singer (well, okay) but his most enduring legacy will be the character he developed and perfected, the incredible Mr. Spock. (Spock lives, forever and ever.)

Although perhaps he COULD make up his Vulcan mind…

So there I was, sad that he was gone, but overjoyed for the human race that the man existed at all, and boy had he lived a great life. Nimoy exemplified The American Dream: the son of Jewish immigrants rises to Hollywood immortality. But I was still selfishly sad. I needed closure. To say my goodbye, it would have been easy to just pull up Wrath of Khan, for obvious reasons. Instead, I decided to go back and feel, as Carol Marcus would say “Young, as when the world was new.” I ran to Netflix and watched a flick I hadn’t seen in its entirety for well over twenty years. The original 1979 Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I remembered it being one of my least favorite episodes of the series, and I also remembered having a bit of buyer’s remorse after seeing the film in the cinema with my mom and brother. We’d had the option of seeing Disney’s The Black Hole and opted for Trek instead. Keep in mind that we kids had already been blown away by Star Wars two summers previous, so it was going to take an awful lot to impress us. I think my brother might have dozed off during STTMP. Maybe it was me. I’m sure someone was snoring. Fast-forward to many years later and Star Trek the Motion Picture’s appearance on one of the cable movie channels. I watched it with a more discerning eye, a little more seasoned. I remember thinking that it wasn’t terrible, but still not great. Plus, I really appreciated the late Persis Khambatta. Mmmm-hmmmm!

“Stand back, Jim. I’m not sure how big this thing gets.”

So that brings us to now. I hadn’t seen the film all the way through since that cable experience in my early-20’s. I sat through the entire thing on my couch, and…wow, is it bad. I mean, really bad. I’ve heard (but not yet researched) that the original plan was to make a revamped Star Trek television series, but after Star Wars made such mad dough, suddenly every studio wanted a big space epic. As a result, what should’ve been maybe a one-hour TV pilot became over two-hours of…well…mainly the bridge of the Enterprise.

You could literally re-enact 97% of the movie with this one playset.

Seriously, there’s a long (TOO long) exterior shot as Scotty and Kirk fly out to the newly-overhauled and refitted NCC-1701 and it’s nice, for about forty-five seconds. Then it’s “Oooo, there’s the old gal! She looks so silvery! And look! They’ve added 1957 Bel Air wings to ‘er!” Afterwards, it’s mainly the bridge and a few corridor shots. And for some reason (perhaps to distance it from the primer-colored uniforms of the original series) they opted for a de-saturated color palette. Everything is grey or shades of flesh-colored fabric. It’s really quite bad. The only saving grace is the incredibly sharp grey-and-white dress uniform that Admiral Kirk wears in his early scenes.

All the poon. James T. Kirk got ALL the poon. In the galaxy. All of it. There ain’t none left.

Those uni’s were sharp enough to get re-cast in the J.J. Abrams reboots. Classy duds. Especially compared to Kirk’s weird, too-snug, short-sleeved white tunic that looks like it belongs on Mr. Clean or a tropical cabana boy. Bizarre.

“My God, Jim! He just used the same photo twice in the same blog!”

But the stuff that really looks cheap are the matte paintings. Gods be good, but I’d swear most of them looked like they’d been borrowed from Forbidden Planet. Don’t get me wrong: Forbidden Planet is one of the all-time great science-fiction films and one of my personal favorites…but Jesus, man. We’d just seen Tatooine and the Death Star. You can’t come at us with eight-color acrylic industrial landscapes and expect us to take you seriously.

Seriously, is this like a Colorforms playset?

But for all the lackluster elements to the damned flick, it did boast a huge check mark in the plus column: that wonderful score, repurposed years later for Star Trek: The Next Generation. A word about that Jerry Goldsmith composition. It really is at its best when they use the largo version, slowed a bit, a more rolling pace. It’s actually a movement entitled “The Enterprise.” It sounds nautical. Grand. Somewhat melancholy. Lovely. (It gets really familiar around 1:37)

Even though TRUE Star Trek fans know that THIS is what we think of when we think of Star Trek movies…James Horner’s brilliant and enduring Wrath of Khan stuff.

Then again, Michael Giacchino’s “Enterprising Young Men” has been also been a smashing success…

(Not to self: do an entire blog about sci-fi musical scores.)

I guess in closing I’d say that it’s sort of a miracle, to me, that the studio even decided to go ahead with a sequel. It really was a make-or break proposition. When you think about it, STTMP was one of the earliest examples of a Hollywood reboot. New ship, new uniforms, new Klingons, new score. Consider that the production budget was (according to Box Office Mojo) around $35 million dollars. Joss Whedon’s Serenity had a budget of $39 million, and Star Trek Into Darkness cost $185 million…but adjusted for inflation, that first Trek would’ve had a budget of over $112 million dollars. Sort of right in the middle of the big sci-fi epic production costs. So when it earned just shy of twelve million dollars (less than half the cost to produce) on opening weekend, well…I imagine that some folks at Paramount likely shit their collective pants. The good news is that the film went on to earn $85 million, so the studio ended up doubling their money and then some. Thus was a franchise born. And now, here we are 36 years later, in the midst of another cinematic reboot. New cast, new ship, new Klingons.

A new Spock.

You really can’t go home again…but that’s fine. Because its so much fun to wonder what’s out there…thattaway…

The Unified Space Epic Theory

February 20, 2015Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

What if, true believers, what if? What if instead of the lackluster Alien sequels that we were saddled with (beginning with Alien3) we got a more Starship Troopers-style invasion pic? Just imagine a full-on war, here on Earth: Colonial Marines in grand, pitched, shoot-em-up battles with hordes of xenomophs. It would’ve been quite a spectacle, and would’ve looked sickeningly gorgeous in CG. Those big piles of zombies in World War Z? Imagine thousands of leaping, skittering aliens; tails thrashing, secondary mandibles biting, and now and then one gets blown to bits and soldiers get showered with acid. The utter chaos of it all, the thrill, the terror, the underlying message about the futility of war…it could’ve been great. Would humanity survive? Or would the alien menace simply overwhelm the stalwart armies of mankind? A pity that we’ll never get to see how such a dramatic and potentially tragic conclusion would’ve played out.

Unless we already have.

What if the post-alien fate of humanity has already been told via two different sci-fi television series and a classic film? I will now present to you a tale which I believe to be a completely plausible multi-level saga. Follow along. Be patient, because this shit gets good. Good and deep, just like shit gets sometimes. Yeah. Okay. I didn’t need to actually type that. Okay. Good. Moving on.

Our story begins on Earth. Either Ellen Ripley or another one of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation drones manages to deliver a few viable xenomorphs to our fair planet. And as they do, the damned things get loose. They run amok and cause a great deal of trouble for the humans that are still here on this rock.

Like, SERIOUS trouble.

“Still here?” Did you read that correctly? Yes. Yes, you did. This brings us to our first Easter egg. You may have heard the fan theory about how the Weyland-Yutani corporation (the Alien franchise) exists in the same world as the Tyrell Corporation (Blade Runner.) Most of it is simply fanboy conjecture, but then Ridley Scott chimes in and basically confirms in an interview that the heads of those two mega-companies did indeed know one another. Interesting.

Okay, sorry. Focus. In Blade Runner, most people with the means to do so have gone “off world.” Those that remain on our spent husk of a planet deal with smog, pollution, constant drizzle and greyscale everything. Now, notice we never see much of Earth in any of the Alien movies? Ripley lives in what might be tenement housing, or even a block of company-made dormitories. Maybe the world outside is the same bleak cityscape whose streets guys like Deckard patrol. Of course, we humans aren’t the only sentient beings that inhabit future-Earth. There are the skin-jobs. Replicants made by the Tyrell Corporation, and equally-lifelike synthetics produced by Weyland-Yutani.

Still with me? Okay.

So, the aliens go nuts and are on the verge of wiping out what’s left of humanity, or at least the shreds still clinging to our turd of a planet. So the rest of the humans take off. Get out of Dodge. Split. And who do they leave behind?

The robots. Replicants. Artificial persons.

I don’t…oh, jesus. Did I miss the last shuttle off-world? Fuck.

Those thinking machines of various mechanical and genetically engineered construction stave off the aliens until the rest of us can get off-world. Just maybe everyone is getting off-world because of the alien invasion. Whatever the case, the plan is to let the aliens run out of human hosts and die, so that mankind can return and resume our civilization. (Think WALL-E only much darker.) Only it doesn’t work out that way. The bio-mechanical xenomorphs, as we’ve seen in the sequels, can adapt to whatever host organisms are present in any given environment. Perhaps even bio-engineered skin-jobs. Eventually, the aliens are just too numerous. The replicants are faced with one final option: take off and nuke the site from orbit. And by “site” I mean THE WHOLE DAMNED PLANET.

I’d imagine it would come down to some sort of group decision, maybe a cadre of inner-circle synthetics who finally made the call. And what if one of them was modeled after the son of corporation founder and head genius Eldon Tyrell? Maybe he has a similar name. And maybe over the centuries that followed mankind’s exodus, the spelling of the last name changed (much like Shawn, Sean, or Shaun. Emory and Emery. The various Mac and Mc spellings of Scots and Irish surnames.)

Yes, Eldon Tyrell’s legacy is Galen Tyrol. One of The Five. The Five sentient mechanical beings who at one point were more human than human, even capable of sexual reproduction. The Five that nuked our planet in order to finally destroy the alien menace.

But you’ve gotta admit: kick-ass shirt, you gods-damned toaster!

And what of humanity? Of course, most ended up living on Kobol or Caprica. But another group, the REAL “lost tribe” found their way to another system (or systems.) There, as on Earth, the monolithic corporations seized power. There, like on Earth, the rich were able to live life flush with the latest technology. Others, not so much.

In fact, some folks keep using the old tech of Earth That Was. For example, this anti-aircraft gun…made by the Weyland-Yutani Corporation.

See that logo? Top center? Keep in mind, this is Mal Reynolds’ gun from the battle of Serenity Valley.

All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

ADDITIONAL EVIDENCE:

There’s a very Asian feel to Deckard’s Blade Runner city. Much like the preponderance of Chinese influence in the world of Firefly. And when Anders becomes the “hybrid” in BSG, the walls show cascading symbols that seem to be either Chinese or Japanese in nature. And maybe Kara Thrace isn’t painting the Eye of Jupiter in this piece…

Sidebar: she is NEVER getting her deposit back.

…but rather this…

That’s Chinese for FRAKKIN’ TOASTERS!!

Kara Thrace. No power in the ‘Verse can stop her. And finally…FINALLY…while there are several toy spaceships that make an appearance during a shadow-puppet theater show in the Firefly episode “Heart of Gold” (like, is that the Enterprise at the top?) the circled ship could be a Colonial Viper, yes?

Also pictured: at least one of your mom’s dildos. ZING!

Okay, maybe a stretch. However, in the original Battlestar Galactica re-imagined mini-series, the following ship does a fly-by outside the doctor’s window there in Caprica City. Huh. Wouldja look at that?

Or, again…one of your mom’s dildos.

IN CONCLUSION:

There will be folks that pick this apart and do some sort of timeline reckoning and poke numerous holes in my theory. Fine. It’s just silly fan stuff, and that’s one of the wonderful things about the sci-fi community; the endless debates and comparisons. Bottom line: it’s all good. Literally. There are some wonderful stories and grand mythology out there. Dig in and enjoy ‘em all. And expand upon them! This sort of conversation could go on forever! Was the Predator that came to earth in the near-future Los Angeles here to hunt Aliens? Were they already present? Perhaps they actually began life here on Earth! Bio-engineered by Weyland-Yutani and shipped off-world to incubate on another planet, another system, far enough away to pose no danger to mankind.

Pictured: deleted scene from Alien VS Predator

Was the rainy, grey nature of our planet in Blade Runner the result of some last-ditch effort to terraform our own homeworld after it was ruined by pollution and greenhouse emissions? Is that why it looks so much like Acheron/LV426? Constant drizzle and gloom? In an alternate timeline, did a synthetic (sorry, artificial person) begin Star Fleet, because Commander Data? Is Earth an offshoot (lost colony) from some race in Star Wars? And did THESE GUYS…

Very good. Now turn to your right.

Inspire THIS GUY?!?!

HOORAY, TOASTERS!

This has all happened before, this will all happen again. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

My head hurts. G’night, all.

Before and After

December 17, 2014December 17, 2014Turner L. Watson 2 Comments

So, Motia (Mo-TEE-ya) says that I should blog more, and I should. Lately, though, she’s been very specific, suggesting blog subjects and the like. The nerve of some people. Telling me what to do. Directing my behavior. Punching me in the arm. Expecting me to get drunk at the company Christmas party.

I think she might be a prophet.

Anyway, we had a discussion the other day regarding certain moments when you realize that nothing will ever be the same. Events or moments in one’s life or in society, the arts, that forever change the medium. Rock ‘n’ Roll music is one of those. For example, in 1957 Elvis finished the year with the number one single on the pop charts with “All Shook Up.” The number two song overall? Pat Boone with “Love Letters in the Sand.” Yes, Pat Boone. By 1958, Pat dropped to #24 overall, and in 1959 he didn’t have a song in the top-100. Obviously, this was a more gradual change, but the point was made: rock ‘n’ roll is here to stay.

But let’s narrow our focus a bit. How about we look only at three different things that happened within the last thirty years or so. And we’ll keep it to one medium: cinema. There have been all sorts of innovators in film, and you could go back to Citizen Kane and Casablanca and discuss how groundbreaking those films were (and let’s be honest, I probably will one day) but I’ve narrowed it down to three events/watershed moments. We’ll start with perhaps the most obvious.

CGI

The original TRON was the first major Hollywood film to utilize the ground-breaking technology of “Computer Generated Imagery.” However, not only were the effects crude and clunky, but they only accounted for a small portion of the overall special effects.

Eerily lifelike.

The rest were old-school makeup, prosthetics, matte paintings, and colorizing/color replacing most of the footage. That same year, moviegoers had the piss scared out of them by John Carpenter’s The Thing. Carpenter’s film relied almost entirely on Bob Bottin’s stop-motion and puppetry (with a slight assist from the legendary Stan Winston) to create horrific and terrifying creature effects. However, within a couple of years after TRON’s theatrical release came 1984’s The Last Starfighter. In just two years (or less, since the movie was in production well before its release date) the ability of CG artists had leapt light-years ahead, rendering 3-D Gunstars that, while terribly crude by today’s standards, were still pretty cool.

Yeah, try and TELL me that ain’t what a spaceship looks like, son.

And in less than ten years’ time, we had Doctor Grant marveling at a herd of brachiosaurs. (Even though the famous velociraptor kitchen scene was done mostly by guys in dinosaur costumes.) Now we enjoy everything from Shrek to the Transformers series and everything Marvel Studios has produced. Think back to the “crawling spider-head monster” from The Thing. If filmed today, it would be completely rendered in CG. Would a CG version be better? Creepier? More realistic? Possibly. In the right hands, maybe. But the fact is that no studio would do it old-school today. Old-school SFX are still out there, but there isn’t a studio head in the business that would risk a shot like that without doing it CG.

Not to be confused with the Headcrabs from the Half Life series.

Batman Begins

The argument could be made that 2000’s M. Night Shyamalan film Unbreakable was the first “realistic” super hero movie. But it wasn’t until Christopher Nolan helmed Batman Begins in 2005 that things got, well…serious. We’ve all grown jaded by the words “gritty reboot” but that’s exactly what Batman Begins was. After Joel Shumacher pretty much undid all the good work begun by Tim Burton’s time with the Caped Crusader in the late-80’s, ol’ Bats needed a new start. And when you spend the first part of the film showing millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne studying with ninjas in order to become a lethal assassin, people sort of forget about nipples on the Batsuit.

Until now.

The phenomenon took off. Maybe it was perfect timing. In a post- 9/11 world, maybe glib one-liners and a vibrant color palette didn’t belong anymore. And yet, people still needed heroes. Enter The Dark Knight. Through three brilliant films, Nolan made us re-think exactly what we wanted from a comic-book movie. The ripples were felt as far away as M.I.6, as the following year a new, lean, hard, and violent-as-hell 007 debuted in a (all together now!) gritty reboot of the James Bond franchise. Casino Royale was also a dizzying success, and now even fluff movies like Guardians of the Galaxy contain enough gravitas (um, Peter Quill’s mom dying of cancer to start the goddam movie?) to make them feel “real.” Real enough, anyway.

Judd Apatow

Okay, this is actually the thing that got Motia and I talking about this concept of game-changers. I’d mentioned re-watching the original Dumb and Dumber recently, and here’s the thing: it’s really not that funny. Sure, it has its moments, and everyone can recite a handful of lines. But it just falls flat. What happened to cause such a diminishing return? Judd Apatow.

Apatow had been working for a while, writing, directing, producing, and often re-writing scripts for other people. Not many people watched Freaks and Geeks when it originally aired on FOX, probably about as many people as enjoyed The Ben Stiller Show (another example of Apatow’s handiwork.) But in 2004, Apatow produced a little film called Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Then he wrote and directed The 40 Year Old Virgin. And then Knocked Up and Talladega Nights. He produced films like Superbad and Pineapple Express, Step Brothers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, and Bridesmaids.

God damn.

In fairness, ol’ Judd had some turkeys in there, too. Year One, for example. And he co-wrote Don’t Mess With the Zohan. But when you look at the scope of comedic films he’s had a hand in over the last two decades, it’s hard to argue that he’s the King of Comedy in Hollywood. There’s a reason for that. Remember how we just discussed the gritty nature of superhero movies since Batman Begins? Comedy works the same way. Judd’s movies generally (not always) have an element of reality in the midst of all the ludicrous shenanigans. I mean, you can watch his films and know those characters. Yes, there are absurd people like Brick Tamland, but there are also kids drawing dicks and foul-mouthed best-friends. Jilted lovers and chronic pot-smokers (pun intended, if redundant.) You know those people. The plots for 40 Year Old Virgin and Bridesmaids could absolutely happen in real life. And as much as it was panned, I even found the Anchorman sequel to be a biting satire of modern cable news media. That’s reality, folks.

The plot of Me, Myself, and Irene could not ever happen. Ever.

Like anyone would seriously believe that these two would…uh…oh.

Speaking of which, I’m not saying the films of the Farrely Brothers or Adam Sandler or Mike Myers aren’t good, or even funny. Kingpin has some of the best sight gags ever, and even though it doesn’t hold up very well, Austin Powers was a fun little movie (and the sequels weren’t terrible, really.) It’s just that after Judd Apatow, when I watch those other flicks I feel like an adult listening to 8^th-graders tell jokes. 8^th-graders can be hilarious, but most of their humor is sort of one-note: farts, gays, lady parts, etc. And all of those subjects can also be hilarious in the right context. But if that’s all you’re going to give me, I grow tired of it all very quickly. Thanks, Judd Apatow. You’ve ruined me for stupid comedies.

A Little Walking-Around Music…

May 5, 2014Turner L. Watson 5 Comments

I have theme music. No, really. I often have music playing in my head as I walk around. While I do things. Cleaning the garage, walking through an airport terminal, mowing the lawn, playing hockey…there’s often a soundtrack accompanying me as I go about my business. (It’s actually more of a “score” but you get the idea.) The great news is that YOU can have the SAME SOUNDTRACK! Primarily because the score I use comes from motion pictures, and it’s a sincere compliment to the composers themselves that these little instrumental gems have lodged themselves so firmly in my subconscious. This is also a great peek into the inner machinery of my head, a place that most people would find unfathomable. Yes, it’s absolutely true: if you see me walking through the mall any given day, chances are that one of these tunes is churning along in my noggin.

I’ll start with my number-one piece of go-to all-around-awesome music. It’s from the incredible soundtrack to the equally incredible 80’s flick “Beverly Hills Cop.” The shocking twist? It’s NOT the most recognizable piece, “Axel F” by composer Harold Faltermeyer. The main theme is compelling, even if it is completely ripped-off from Herbie Hancock’s “Rockit.” (Rumor has it that the studio wanted Herbie’s song, but he wouldn’t grant the rights. The producers thus hired Faltermeyer to write a theme that ‘sounds like Hancock.’) Anyway, this one is hard to find, as it was left off the original motion picture soundtrack released for sale. It’s known as “Shootout” and features bits of the main Axel F theme. It’s a great all-around life accompaniment, starting around 1:11 in. Enjoy.

Next up is another Harold Faltermeyer masterpiece. It’s a little more subtle, and also more synthed-out. (Hand-claps like a MUHFUH!!) I give you the main theme from another great 80’s movie. It’s “Fletch.”

The Fletch theme is a bit darker than the “Cop” movies, and I think that’s by design. The filmmakers were going for a more sleuthy, sneaky sort of sound, one that matched the playful-yet-dangerous theme of the movie. But when I need something a bit more sinister or mysterious, I go with our next selection. Again, it’s not the main theme from the featured soundtrack, but it’s my favorite in terms of mood. It’s tension, drama, and a hint of menace. This one would be right at home in an Agatha Christie story, but for some reason I employ it when I’m walking through the airport. It’s good walking through the airport music. I don’t know why. From John Ottman’s wonderful, classic soundtrack to “The Usual Suspects” it’s a piece called “New York’s Finest.” Enjoy.

This one here, though. This one is your go-to action/adventure theme. Hell, this gets stuck in my head when I visit the rainforest exhibit at the zoo or when I pull up in front of Menards.

Seriously, though: tell me there ain’t a T-Rex through those doors.

Yes, I’m talking about the theme from “Jurassic Park.” Technically, it’s not the ‘main theme’ but a track called ‘Journey to the Island.’ You hear the hook a few times throughout the flick, but it’s first experienced as the helicopter descends to the landing pad near the end of the first act. The entire soundtrack is superb, as you’d expect from John Williams. It’s pastoral, majestic, frightening…but it’s the anthemic part of this track (starting around the 1:21 mark) that makes your heart start thumping.

Last, but not least, is an obscure favorite. It sounds to me like a mash-up between the Jurassic Park music and the Usual Suspects. It’s by the incredible Michael Giacchino, who is prolific and diverse. I’ve sung his praises in the past, and the man’s catalog spans everything form “The Incredibles” and “Up” to the JJ Abrams “Star Trek” reboots. But this score was the one where he cut his teeth, drawing the inevitable comparisons to John Williams. It was a video game on the original Playstation called “Medal of Honor” and both the game itself and the well-thought-out soundtrack were awesome. The follow-up MoH titles “Underground” and then “Frontline” also featured brilliant Giacchino compositions, but this one right here is hard to top.

There you go. Some theme music for your daily life. There are surely others, and I welcome suggestions! Leave a comment below and tell me what you putter around to. (As long as it’s not disco. Please, no disco. Unless it’s like Queen’s ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ or something.)

Hollywood Scuttlebeat!

April 3, 2014Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

I’m running out of clever names for these fake celebrity news blogs, so sorry for the lame header. But goddammit, these are so much fun. Let’s dive right in to the fake movie stuff…

Royal Reboot for Kiwi!

The non-stop runaway success story that is New Zealand’s wunderkind Lorde doesn’t show any signs of slowing down! The teenage pop sensation recently signed on for the long-rumored reboot of 80’s teen flick “Say Anything.” Of course, curious readers would assume that Lorde would be recreating the role of Diane Court, originally made famous by Ione Skye in the original 1989 classic. Not so fast!

Lorde models the prototype GHEToBlstr mp3 player (designed by Beats by Dre) that plays a key role in the film.

“Well, that was the original idear, but when they came to me and offered me the paht, I toold ’em straight away that it was the lead or nuthin’!” Yes, movie buffs, it’s the ol’ gender switch-a-roo, with Lorde playing the part of Layne Dobler, a troubled young skate rat who desperately tries to woo the out-of-her league male love interest (rumored to be Josh Hutcherson.) “I figger I’m almost Australian, so should be right spry enough a catty-wampus to dinkum’ up a todger all owly-like!” Amen to that, sister! Shooting for the newly-titled #NEthing begins this summer.

Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!

It’s been a hit-or-miss few years for heartthrob and abdominal muscle Ryan Reynolds. But it looks like that luck is changing, as Ry-Ry has signed to lend his voice to a sequel to the Netflix hit kid’s movie “Turbo.” The project got the go-ahead when Dreamworks purchased iPhone game maker Republic of Fun after their recent bankruptcy. The game studio had a modest hit of sorts with ‘Slug Wars’ for mobile devices and tablets. Could that be a hint of things to come for America’s favorite gastropod and his pals?

“Well, obviously we’re taking Turbo in a bold new direction. The initial thought was to do it as a prequel, show all the snails as babies. Then we realized that they would all be terribly slow babies. And it just got weird,” Reynolds recently told reporters. “But with the recent rights to the title [Slug Wars] we’re going to have the wacky bunch of slimy molluscs actually join the War on Terror. There’ll be a lot of NSA-style commentary and the Patriot Act gets sort of scrutinized and it’s just a great way for kids to learn about how the government really does have their best interests at stake. I mean, the shell, right? The shell on Turbo’s back is a great analogy for personal privacy or something. I don’t know, really. I haven’t read the script, but hey…freedom, right?” We couldn’t have said it better!

Jurassic Sam?

One voice from the first film that will likely be missing from Turbo 2: Slug Wars [working title] will be that of veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson. Of course, Jackson is no novice when it comes to voice-acting, and has been featured in numerous animated flicks. No, the real reason why the classy Sammy J might miss out on the fun this time around is due to a crazy busy schedule that has the actor moving…and might just have him running from prehistoric monsters!

“This is how I imagine Mr. Arnold looks now. See, he ain’t got time for yo’ sh*t.” – Sam Jackson

That’s right, you heard it here first: 20th Century Fox is working on a super-big super-secret project that is rumored to involve a return to Jurassic Park! Jackson has been fairly tight-lipped, but let the following slip during the Red Carpet during the London premiere of Captain America: Winter Soldier…

“I mean, here’s Mr. Arnold, right? Smokin’ cigarettes and sh*t right there at the computer. G*d d*amn, that’s some hard-core sh*t right there. You know right away that he’s a bad mother f*cker, maybe the baddest on that motherf*ckin’ island. So he goes to turn on the power, and it’s like ‘a skinny-a*s velociraptor gonna take him out?’ H*ll, no! You know he’s out there somewhere, waitin’ to pop a cap in some dino’s a*s.”

But what about the fact that Mr. Arnold has obviously lost an arm to the dangerous dinos?

“Did you see this motherf*ckin’ movie right here? [CA:TWS] Bucky got him a motherf*ckin’ robot arm. That’s some serious sh*t right there. I mean, motherf*cker catches Cap’s f*ckin’ SHIELD with that thing! Now, here’s Mr. Arnold, right? He’s lost an arm, but they got all kinds of science sh*t on that island. Who’s to say he didn’t grow it back? Clone it or some sh*t? Or maybe he’s just that bad-a*s that he only needs one arm. H*ll, Nick Fury only got one eye, right? You gonna f*ck with Fury? Didn’t think so. Nah, Arnold is out there. Maybe he swims to Costa Rica or some god d*amn place. All’s I know is that they wanna make a movie, and I aim to be in that mother f*cker.”

Sounds like we’re all taking a welcome return to Jurassic Park sooner than we think!

[NEXT WEEK IN CELBRI-NOOZ: SPIELBERG DISHES ON HIS LATEST PROJECT! “IT’S NOT GODD*AM JURASSIC PARK, SO QUIT ASKING.”]

Q & A, Part Two

January 28, 2014January 28, 2014Turner L. Watson Leave a comment

**Cracks knuckles. Sips Scotch. Exhales. Turns to keyboard.**

Here…we…GO!

Into part two. Moar questions answered! (And thanks for liking my Facebook page. Seriously, it means a lot. If you haven’t yet, feel free to visit it on the right-hand margin over there. I’ll wait. Got it? Good!)

Leslie asks “Is you mother still writing?”

Leslie and I are old theater cohorts, and she’s asking, literally, about my mom’s writing career. Many people don’t know that my mother used to write romance novels. She started out at Harlequin Romance, doing those monthly soft-core romances that you mom likes. She dabbled with other publishers, and actually had a few books out with her name above the title. In other words, her books said “LYNN TURNER” and then “NAME OF STORY” underneath. And yes, Lynn Turner was a pen-name. She took my middle name (yeah, so? Lynn is just as masculine as…as…like, Dale or something) and first name, transposed them, and BAZINGA! Fun fact: later on, as the internet became “a thing” mom would do Alta Vista searches (remember AltaVista? It was the Google of the mid-90’s) for “Lynn Turner” and found out that…SURPRISE! Lynn Turner was a 90’s porn star. Anyway, sadly, it’s been a while since mom published anything. She contributed a few items to anthologies and such for old editor friends, but nothing of late. Perhaps she should start blogging…giving tips to aspiring writers and such. Hint-hint, mom. (Then again, she could be my editor, as I just finished a damned manuscript and have no self-control…)

This is actually still available for your NOOK reader!!

A very special query from my dear friend Joe: “Why do you do this on a weekly basis after our hockey games … Stand like Captain Morgan while holding a beer wearing ONLY your birthday suit or if I’m lucky you’ll throw on a shirt, but that’s it ?!?! I’ve seen your hog more than I’ve seen my own. Welp, see ya later.”

For those of you that don’t know, Joe is one of my very best and dearest friends ever. And I’m 43 years old, so that’s saying something. Anyway, Joe is also the drummer in the band RAINS and my linemate on our beer-league hockey team. Next to Smallville’s Michael Rosenbaum, he’s the most famous guy I’ve ever shared the ice with. But his distress comes from the fact that, yes, I often throw my “hog” out for display. See, my “hog” has gotten me attention in the past (due to its shimmering, glistening beauty…and a purplish vein on the side that spells out ‘radiant’ in cursive and OH GOD, STOP TYPING!!) Anyhoo…ol’ Joe’s penis has been known to cure blindness and make the crippled walk. It also, ironically, has crippled non-believers who won’t accept that it is the ultimate power in the universe and STOP TYPING!! NOW!! THAT IS AN ORDER!)

Rather than post a picture of my “hog” I decided to remind you that ‘Back in the Day’ is available right now on iTunes. Ahem.

Daniel (or, as we call him in da Fort ‘Porch’) has a good ‘un: “Why are you a closet case for your love of Batman over Spider-man.. or.. what attracts you to Spider-man and when did you first feel that chub?”

I intend to do an entire blog about Spidey, who is the super-hero with whom I most identify. He really does deserve his own blog, so deep are my affections for ol’ Web-Head. But my Batman love isn’t closeted in any way. I love Batsy. In fact, Batman and Ambush Bug are my all-time favorite DC Comics characters. And if you don’t know who Ambush Bug is, please do yourself a favor and run (RUN, I SAID!! MOVE YOUR GODDAM FEET!) to your nearest (local) comic book store and inquire. They’ll steer you right.

Ambush Bug: the ORIGINAL Deadpool.

Time for one more? Okay. One more.

Finally, this question from Jess: “How do you balance family/real life with the bear?”

She’s referring, of course, to my primary job, which is hosting the midday show on 98.9 the Bear in Ft. Wayne (but with online listenership spanning the literal globe! Wae’aye, Newcastle!) The thing is, the radio side of my life is part of my “normal” life and vise-versa. See, nowadays radio guys are just like audio bloggers. We use our lives as show-prep. By that, I mean that what happens to us away from the radio station informs upon the show itself. Follow? John the Mexican talks about his new house during his show, Barry Thickk talks up his latest blowjob adventure (SPOILER: it was with a LADY!) Hell, I just had my kids in to do a show with me AGAIN. This, because I am sick and tired of trying to find childcare during this hellish winter that we’re having in the midwest. The point is that if you have a family, and you’re going to do radio, well…they’d better just get used to the idea. This isn’t TV or movies. You don’t get to shoot the scenes and go home. You work at it, constantly. 24 hours a day. Your life is show-prep, and radio is your life. That’s just how it is. Concerts, remotes, appearances, guest-judging wet t-shirt contests…it’s all part of your life, and the other way around. It’s why radio is so trying, demanding, and exhausting. It’s also why it’s so blissful. If you’re gonna stay in this biz…and I’ve been doing it for over twenty years…you learn that there’s no other way. Radio = your life. And the other way around.

Of course, sometimes your life demands that you hang with Corey Taylor.

That One Guy: Black Hawk Down Edition

October 23, 2013June 28, 2018Turner L. Watson 7 Comments

I got into a discussion with my boss the other day about the events depicted in the movie “Black Hawk Down.” We’d been discussing how October 3rd through the 4th marked the twenty-year anniversary of the so-called “Battle of Mogadishu.” Twenty years. Mark Bowden’s book, upon which the movie was based, was published in 1999. Ridley Scott’s incredible movie adaptation hit theaters in December of 2001.

I re-watched the movie on Netflix, and was reminded of what a damn fine piece of filmmaking the thing really is. It reminds me of the classic 1977 film “A Bridge Too Far.” That movie (itself an adaptation of a nonfiction book which chronicled the events of the failed Operation: Market-Garden during the Second World War) managed to weave several different storylines together into one wonderfully exciting and heartbreaking narrative. And it did so with one of the largest casts of movie superstars at the time, including Gene Hackman, Robert Redford, Sean Connery, Anthony Hopkins, etc. without any one of them overshadowing the story.

Speaking of large casts…as I watched Black Hawk Down again, I was struck by the sheer number of people that I had forgotten about; yet there they were, happily running alongside Humvees and such. I began Tweeting about it and quickly had to Tweet a second time, a third time, then a fourth. So I decided to blog it up and put all of the guys that I could recognize in one easy-to-browse location. We’ll begin with the obvious, big-name actors, then the so-called “character” guys who you’ve seen in a million different shows and movies…and then we’ll end up with the “WOW!! HOLY SHIT!!” guys. (WARNING: you may wear out your scroll wheel.)

Josh Hartnett, Eversmann

This dude was supposed to blow up, wasn’t he? Then he did Pearl Harbor, and…and…

Ewan McGregor, Grimes

He mainly made coffee then got knocked down. I know he’s Obi-Wan now, but to me he’ll always be Mark Renton.

Tom Sizemore, McKnight

This was a couple of years before Tom went batshit crazy and did a bunch of drugs and lived with Heidi Fleiss. Ah, the good ol’ days.

Eric Bana, Hoot

Before he was the lamest Bruce Banner ever, he was a Delta hard-ass. (Also? My late uncle Myron was nicknamed ‘Hoot’ and he trained soldiers to jump out of airplanes. Coincidence?)

Orlando Bloom, Blackburn

He’s become a pretty big star thanks to the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’ franchises, but in this film he basically falls out of a helicopter.

Jeremy Piven, Wolcott

Yes, Ari Gold. Hug it out, bitches.

Ron Eldard, Durant

I’ve always enjoyed Ron’s work, from sitcoms with David Spade to the enjoyable role of Skank Martin in ‘Mystery Alaska’ to the alcoholic dad in ‘Super 8.’ The odd thing is that of all the big names in this movie, one of the most important roles (in my opinion) ends up in his capable hands. Good stuff

Kim Coates, Wex

Nowadays we know him as Tig from ‘Sons of Anarchy’ but the dude has 120 credits to his name, according to IMDB. Yes, you actually HAVE seen him in everything.

Ewen Bremner, Nelson

Spud. He will always be Spud. I wonder whether it was Ewan McGregor, his ‘Trainspotting’ co-star or Josh Hartnett, his ‘Pearl Harbor’ co-star that got him this gig…

Sam Shepard, Garrison

A veteran character actor who seems to specialize in authority figures, he’s also an accomplished playwright and stage performer. But he’ll always be Chuck Yeager to me. “Hey, Ridley…got any Beeman’s on ya?”

Ioan Gruffudd, Beales

Yes, Mr. Fantastic. Also, the “Is anyone out there?” lifeboat guy from Titanic. In this movie, he has a seizure. That’s about it, really.

Jason Isaacs, Steele

Always plays an asshole. Always. Hooah?

William Fichtner, Sanderson

Yes, THAT guy. The blind guy in ‘Contact.’ The shuttle pilot that wanted to shake the hand of the daughter something-something-Bruce Willis-something in ‘Armageddon.’ The guy in the bank at the beginning of ‘The Dark Knight.’ Yeah. THAT guy.

Glenn Morshower, Matthews

Always plays a colonel or something. Always. CoD fans will remember him as the voice of the SatCom guy in Modern Warfare II. He may actually be Jim Gaffigan from the future.

Richard Tyson, Busch

This guy has been a a ton of crap and ‘Kindergarten Cop’ where he played the bad dad. Also, he’s been in lighter fare like ‘There’s Something About Mary.’ His hair in this particular movie was modeled on a 1977 Luke Skywalker poster or a He-Man action figure.

Gregory Sporleder, Galentine

A very recognizable dude, he’s been in everything from a Sheryl Crow video to ‘The Rock’ where he appeared as one of the bad guys.

George Harris, Atto

One of the few non-soldiers that has a speaking part. You may remember him as Captain Katanga, the dude that basically SAVES INDY AND MARION RAVENWOOD WHEN NAZIS BOARD HIS SHIP!!!! Yes, that’s him. The swarthy tramp steamer captain from ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark.’

Ty Burrell, Wilkinson

Okay, now we’re getting weird. Yes, that’s the guy from ‘Modern Family.’ Think that’s odd? Keep scrolling…

Brian Van Holt, Struecker

He’s on ‘Cougar town’ now, but he was also in SWAT (the movie) and some other things that mainly chicks would know.

Tom Guiry, Yurek

YOU’RE KILLING ME, SMALLS!! Yes, that’s him. Scotty Smalls from ‘The Sandlot.’ Wait, it gets weirder…

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gordon

Jaime. Fucking. Lannister. And yes, he had great hair even then.

Tom Hardy, Twombly

Tom Hardy. ‘Nuff said.

So, who did I miss? Yeah, I know there are some support people and such. Maybe I missed one of the villagers or medics. If so, leave a comment below! We’ll have to add a whole second page, maybe! And for shits and giggles, go back and watch this movie again. It’s a great flick, and it’s a lot more fun when you can play ‘spot that one guy!’

Turner Watson

Where You Found That One Thing.

Category movies

Context is King

A Solution For Marvel

When Bad Guys Were P*ssies.

Saying Goodbye With a Crappy Movie

The Unified Space Epic Theory

Before and After

CGI

Batman Begins

Judd Apatow

A Little Walking-Around Music…

Hollywood Scuttlebeat!

Royal Reboot for Kiwi!

Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!

Jurassic Sam?

Q & A, Part Two

That One Guy: Black Hawk Down Edition

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

CGI

Batman Begins

Judd Apatow

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Royal Reboot for Kiwi!

Ryan Reynolds Racing Reprise!

Jurassic Sam?

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this: