Fake Stats.

Life has gotten crazy. With the interwebs and all the fake news and whatnot, it’s hard to know WHAT to believe anymore. So I assembled these little-known Fun Facts for your enjoyment They are, without a doubt, 100% made-up and fake, straight outta my twisted little noggin’. But feel free to share them as if they were bona-fide, completely accurate, vetted pieces of knowledge.  You’re welcome.


Popeye the Sailor Man was loosely based on Norman Keith Collins, aka “Sailor Jerry.” Hence the anchor tattoo on his forearm and the ever-present pipe.


“Ughugugugug…can ye cover up that portrait of me ex? Olive cants stands that whore, and it’s erfectin me loves life!”



Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is dangerously close to bankruptcy and is undergoing a serious financial restructuring of his business enterprises and holdings, including the Cowboys. The alleged reason for these financial troubles is rather recent: Jones was convinced that the “fidget spinner” craze was here to stay, and spent billions acquiring not only eight fidget-spinner manufacturing sites in Southeast Asia, but several inline skate/skateboard bearing manufacturers stateside, hoping to not only corner the spinner market but to be prepared “when rollerblading comes back big-time.”



Like, any second now.



The flavor we humans taste when eating coconut is completely imaginary. The human tongue lacks the receptors required to correctly process the tropical fruit-nut-seed’s taste. Scientists believe this is because coconuts are actually terribly toxic, unless they are mixed with rum or lime/other citrus flavors. (BONUS fun fact: this lime/coconut elixir is the basis for the popular song. Europeans first traveling to Papua/New Guinea became violently ill from eating raw coconut, until the local shaman or “witch doctor” mixed lime juice with coconut milk to create a cure. Then everyone got drunk.)



There are actually only seven planets in our solar system. The rest are simply light reflecting off of asteroids and cosmic dust.



One out of every ten Spree candies is actually a button that fell off someone’s shirt on the assembly line.



If you were to place the cast of Big Bang Theory underwater, without any supply of oxygen, and left them indefinitely, nobody would really have a problem with it.


Well, hi there, Sheldon!



Men over 40 years of age spend up to fifteen minutes out of each day running a finger over the outside of their ear and muttering “…the hell is that? A hair?”



Ancient Greek mathematician and inventor Archimedes would often blurt out “I love cheese!” for seemingly no reason (although many modern scholars believe he suffered from a form of Tourette’s Syndrome). This phrase was incorrectly translated over the years, so that it eventually became widely accepted that his exclamation was actually “Eureka!”


“Goddammit, can’t calculate right now…thinkin’ ’bout dat stanky CHEESE!”

Funball Sportacular!

It’s one of the most magical times of the year for sports fans. The NCAA Basketball Tournament looms, the NHL and NBA Playoffs are on the horizon, pitchers and catchers are reporting, the Barclays Premier League has entered the final stretch…our collective athletic cups runneth over. (That’s an unsavory image.)

So what better time for me to dazzle and amaze you with some incredible sports facts? None! None, I say!

(DISCLAIMER: for some reason, I have been unable to confirm the accuracy of all of these facts, but, you know…it’s the internet. They gotta be true.)


Soccer players run, on average, seven miles a game. This is largely because A) they are lost or B) they really need to use the bathroom but can’t find one.


Craig MacTavish was the last NHL player to skate without a helmet. The last player to skate without a protective cup was Andre “No-Balls” Parenteau.


“Perhaps my flowing locks will distract everyone from these brutal uniforms…”

Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr. played 2,632 consecutive games from April 30, 1982 to September 19, 1998. There is a fair deal of controversy surrounding this record, however, as for at least fourteen of these games, Ripken was supported “Weekend at Bernie’s” style between two other players who helped him “catch” and “run” whilst Ripken was semi-conscious.


85% of middle-school children will chuckle to themselves when the coach asks them to “Hand over the balls.”


Nowhere in the International Olympic Committee Guidelines does it mention anything about including bowling balls as props in Synchronized Swimming.


The first “hoops” in basketball were actually just peach baskets. The first “players” in basketball were pimply-faced white motherfuckers.


At 200 mph, NASCAR drivers in one second travel 293 feet, almost the length of a football field. (In other words, about half as fast as Barry Sanders.)


Barry Sanders deserves so much better than a ’99 Mustang.

Gatorade is actually less than .5% alligator.


Contrary to popular belief, at no point in history is it recorded that regulation NFL footballs have been made of frozen rhinoceros turds.


Horse racing enthusiasts are often said to be “playing the ponies.” This is actually a common misnomer, the result of a misspelling. The original phrase was “paying with peonies” and dates back to the days of the Great Depression, when unpaid gambling debts resulted in a funeral for the bettor, complete with a wreath of flowers.


Rugby balls were originally made of pigs’ bladders, and had to be inflated by human breath, which led to…Jesus, never mind. I can’t, because this is actully 100% true, and you can Google the rest.









Why Bernie

Well, this is something new. I usually write funny nonsense or sci-fi short stories or a combination of both. I may discuss comic books, movies, or music, but I’ve shied away form one area of discussion: politics. Gods, I can hear you rolling your eyes at the very mention of the word. Politics. Ugh. So I’ll forgive you if you check out right now and browse elsewhere on the vast prairie of the interwebs. I completely understand. But if you have the gumption, or simply want a bit of insight into my personal beliefs, then read on.

A friend of mine asked me recently to explain to him my support of Bernie Sanders for President of the United States of America. He went so far as to throw down the gauntlet of “Convince me.” Wow. There’s a big difference between explaining your position and trying to compel the other party to change theirs. I’m not sure I’m up to that challenge. I don’t know if I’m eloquent enough. Maybe my words aren’t that great. But what I hope, what I believe, rather, is that by reading this, and reading all of it, maybe you’ll at least come to accept that my beliefs, my hopes, are not so crazy as perhaps you imagined.


Why do I support Bernie? Because I believe America is already pretty great…but I think it can be better. I think that we have to improve not only the lives of citizens (like me, for example. Like my brother. Like everyone, gay, straight, man, woman, Christian, atheist, Muslim, artist, worker, soldier, teacher…everyone.)

I support Bernie because Big Money has always run the show, realistically. But until the Reagan years (and yes, Bill Clinton played a part with the deregulation of the media companies and the NAFTA agreement), those entities were at least held in check. Now the corporations act with impunity. They beg for tax cuts, then move their factory overseas anyway. They bitch about raising the minimum wage, yet accept billions in bailouts (from OUR taxes) and reward their CEO’s with insane bonuses and salaries.

I support Bernie because he believes that if you have the money to send soldiers to war, then by God, you have the money to care for them when they return. Not just with medical care and such, but with mental health care. There’s an epidemic of our fighting men and women committing suicide or sleeping on the streets, and Big Money (and the Republican party that acts as Big Money’s political arm) not only don’t care, they hinder efforts to spend tax money on solving the problem. Yes, I know that some of those bills probably have pork or other attachments that make lawmakers balk, but it’s happened over and over and over.

I support Bernie because he tells it like it is. He speaks his mind. But unlike Trump, he does it 1) because he actually believes it, not because he figures it’s what the crowd wants to hear and 2) with dignity and grace, not scraping down to cater to ignorant, racist, homophobic, misogynistic pricks.

I support Bernie because he wants to use our taxes the way they were meant to be used. Not increasing taxes on you or me (or anyone not ‘rich’) but by allocating those taxes to where they need to go. Instead of a couple of billion for jets that are obsolete before they even enter the theater or another bailout and tax breaks to a multinational corporation , he’d use them to rebuild the bridges, dams, and highways that are not only out-of-date, but dangerously close to total collapse. And yes, he’d use that money for education. Speaking of which…

It’s not “free shit for everyone.” The state colleges would offer free tuition…but only to students that were accepted. You’d need to pass the same entrance exam, maintain the same GPA, do the same work as anyone else who had received a grant or scholarship. Don’t do all that? Buh-bye. Seeya. Collect your things and go. And the private schools would still be private. If you could afford them, hey, God bless. Go for it. Spend mommy and daddy’s inheritance on that sort of education. Good for you! But for the rest of us? It’s a chance to finally narrow the gap between ourselves and Japan or Germany. To have the best-educated workforce in the world. And on a personal note, it’s a scientific fact that the college-educated folks may not be smarter than the kids that stay in their hometown and get a job at the factory…but they are more tolerant. Respectful of other cultures. Less racist or homophobic. Why? Because they will have been exposed to all those things, different accents and skin tones, different dress and eating habits…in other words, the WORLD. And the more you know about the world, the less you fear it. And the less hate you harbor as a result. So, more college students = more cultural harmony.

And finally, let’s talk about healthcare. I’m not a huge fan of Obamacare. I think it’s a half-measure. I think it was a way to kiss the ass of the insurance companies (once again, Big Money calls the shots.) But I also have a friend who has insurance provided by her company, and she’s considering going back to part-time to work on other projects. I was concerned about her lack of insurance coverage. She told me “I’ll just go back to the ACA. It was better than what I have now, anyway.” Of course, that could be more an indictment of the standard of care offered by employers nowadays, or it could be that the ACA just really works out to be a great deal for a single mother of two (as is her case.) Either way, she wouldn’t have even had the option before Obamacare. But let’s take it further…

Say they raise my taxes to pay for Bernie’s universal healthcare. The good shit, the “show up at the emergency room, get your broken bone set, go home. No deductible, not co-pay…it’s just done” variety. The sort of thing they have in, you know…every other civilized country in the world. Every. One. Say I end up paying an additional 2.2% in taxes. Maybe my work pays me a bit less to pay for my proposed payroll tax. The fact remains: The typical family of four making $50,000 a year would pay less than $46 a month under Bernie’s plan for three months of paid family and medical leave and universal health care. (That’s from TIME magazine, January 28, 2016.) In other words, I’m coming out ahead. Also, The typical American family of four covered by an employer-sponsored health care plan paid $24,671 last year on health care costs alone, according to the non-partisan Milliman Medical Index. So, as it stands right now, they’re taking money out of my paycheck to pay for coverage…and I’m STILL paying a shitload in health costs. Maybe it’s not a big deal to people without kids. Maybe it’s not a big deal to rich people who can afford it. But to my family and me, that’s huge.

And the other thing to consider: say I end up actually losing money. Maybe I’m short about $3000 a year, all things being equal. That’s too bad. Perhaps I’ll have to skip playing hockey and forget about taking a vacation. But if it means that every single parent, every kid, every human being in the country has access to medical care when they need it, then, dude…that’s not even a question. Hell, take it. I’ll even chip in a bit more. That makes every taxpayer a big damn hero. That’s what society is supposed to be. That’s why we live in communities, why we have police, why we elect a mayor, a governor, a president, why there’s a highway system, air traffic controllers, and a standing army: because it’s us. Not me. We’re all in this together.

So, in conclusion, I’ll answer your question. Why Bernie? Because I want to live in a better world. I want my kids to have a better opportunity. I want the people to reclaim some of the power from the corporations. I want freedom and equality for every human being in the United States of America. Right now, Bernie Sanders offers the best possible hope of beginning the process that moves us towards those things. It won’t be easy. It won’t all happen right away, especially as Big Money pushes back hard and exerts its force on politics. But it can happen. And it must happen if we are to survive as a nation, rather than a bunch of individuals fighting one another for the scraps thrown our way by Big Money.



Things You Might Not Know

Crazy couple of weekends, eh?  Crazy.  But good.  In the midst of all the running around, doing radio, writing stuff, and enjoying the bachelor parties of various friends, some things were pointed out to me that I thought I’d share with you.

1. My Eight-year-old captured two special Pokemon.

Also, one of them has evolved. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but since his Nintendo DS hasn’t been shut off for more than an hour over the last two weeks, I guess that’s something.  Of course, by the time this blog is published, he’ll have a whole stable of the little beasties.

I think it goes something like this, but hell, I'm a 43-year-old man.  What do I know about your goddam gigapets?!

I think it goes something like this, but hell, I’m a 43-year-old man. What do I know about your goddam gigapets?!

2.  “The devil to pay” has nothing to do with Satan.

I remember reading about this sometime during college, I think.  Apparently, in old seafaring terminology, the “devil” was the seam of the keel (the bottom ridge of the boat.)  To “pay” meant to cover in pitch or tar, some sort of sealant.  Hence, to “pay the devil” meant covering the keel in pitch.  Likewise, the expression “between the devil and the deep blue sea” was a reference to being “keelhauled.”  That was a nasty bit of punishment/torture wherein they tied a rope around your ankles, ran the rope under the ship from one rail to the other, knocked you overboard and literally hauled your ass under the boat, over the keel, and to the other side.  Sometimes guys lived.  Mostly they drowned.  While the whole thing was going on, the victim was said to be between the devil and the deep blue sea.  See?  Sailing is fun!



3.  You’re pronouncing “Dr. Suess” wrong.

No, smartass, we know:  his real last name was Geisel.  The dude used his middle name, Suess, as his nom de plume.  The thing is, he was of German descent, and pronounced it “Soice.”  Everyone got it wrong, though, and he eventually gave up trying to correct people.  He then died drunk, penniless, and indigent.  (I made up that last part.)

See?  It's a cat.  In a hat.  (No, eff YOU!!)

See? It’s a cat. In a hat. (No, eff YOU!!)

4.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But three lefts do.  (That’s also how people navigate downtown Ft. Wayne.)

As you can see from this handy image, Ewing street now has a stop sign.  Progress, people.

As you can see from this handy image, Ewing street now has a stop sign. Progress, people.

5. Frank Black from the show Millennium was named for the guy from The Pixies.

X-Files mastermind Chris Carter created this not-really-a-spin-off show, Millennium, which debuted in 1996 and ran for about three seasons.  The main character, played wonderfully by the creepy android Bishop, was named Frank Black.  Chris Carter named him after Black Francis of super underground subbacultcha rock band The Pixies.  Black Francis was actually Frank Black.  I also once read that Chris Carter’s last name used to be Black, but it got changed somewhere along the way because reasons.  I don’t know if that’s true, so I just stick with that Pixies thing.

Look at this fucking ROCK STAR.

Look at this fucking ROCK STAR.

6. I made up a new word whilst typing that last bit.

I make no secret of the fact that I’m a piss-poor typist.  There are probably three different typos in this blog alone, not to mention gross abuses of grammar.  Hey, I type as I think, and my little digits can’t keep up all the time.  Anyway, I was typing “mastermind” when describing Chris Carter, and accidentally wrote “Matermind.”  I’ve since corrected that mistake, but have decided that “Matermind” is a great way to described someone who is borderline retarded and/or loves the comedy stylings of Larry the Cable Guy.  In a sense, “Matermind” is the exact opposite of “Mastermind.”  Feel free to use this new word with impunity.

Still a better movie than "Planes."

Still a better movie than “Planes.”

Fun Facts And Helpful Tips!

Hey, gang!  Ready for some more of Ol’ Uncle Turner’s life hacks and observations?  Good!  Good for you!  (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of my “facts” are completely made-up, and I will not be held responsible for anything that happens as a result of you trying some of my “helpful hints” because I have no sense of control/restraint so I do dumb shit.  Don’t do dumb shit, kids.)

FUN FACT: The original draft of the screenplay for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” ended with Cameron murdering his father with a tire iron.

HELPFUL HINT: Don’t murder anyone with a tire iron.  Instead, slip a few scorpions into their pillowcase! Scorpions are nature’s li’l ninjas!

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

FUN FACT:  Hitler had three elbows!

HELPFUL HINT: Fuck with Nazis every chance you get.  Seriously, fuck those racist fucks.  Remember that Editor’s Note earlier wherein I advised against doing stuff that I suggest?  Yeah, fuck that.  Let ’em have it.  Piss in their coffee, taze them and leave ’em to drown.  Whatever.  Scum.  All of ’em are scum.

Now you're wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

Now you’re wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

FUN FACT: Vomiting is necessary!  Every time you spit bile up and out of your esophagus, you’re basically exfoliating your tender inner skin and mucous lining.  It’s nature’s way of replenishing much-needed nutrients!

HELPFUL HINT:  Before you go out drinking, drop a bottle of Mio flavoring into your toilet.  That way, when you or your guests have to puke, you’ll be greeted with the smell and flavor of Tangerine Mango or some other delightful taste sensation!  (Until the barf hits the water, then it’ll quickly turn to Tangerine-Mango-Seven-Layer Burrito.)  When you’ve gotta puke, flush often, kids!

Also?  If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

Also? If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

FUN FACT:  Back in 1966, Waylon Jennings lost an arm-wrestling match to noted physicist Stephen Hawking in Cambridge, England.  Jennings was so furious at losing the match, he cursed the brilliant Hawking to a wheelchair for the rest of his days.  The perturbed country-western singer added “And I’ll come over every October 16th and beat on your dead legs with a tire-iron, you limey prick!”  To this day, October 16th is known as “Tire Iron Day” in England and “The Reaping” in Texas.

HELPFUL HINT:  Don’t mess with Texas.

I call this'un "Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!"

I call this’un “Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!”

FUN FACT: Kraft changed the logo for their line of  “Handi-Snacks” because, well…the old logo looked like it said “Hanoi-Snacks” and, well…Vietnam and shit.

HELPFUL HINT: I don’t really have one here.  Just wanted to point out that, yes, I totally made up the reason WHY they changed logos, but damn…look at that, would ya?

I guess consistent  capitalization was too much to hope for.

I guess consistent capitalization was too much to hope for.

And not to be out-done in the vaguely racist/insensitive snack cracker department, Lance named their yellow snack crackers (I can’t make this shit up, folks) Nip-Chee.  Dafuq?

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Until next time, kiddies!


Entirely Possible!

Greetings! It’s been a while since I assembled a collection of randomity for you.  I am so, so sorry.  Allow me to correct this oversight.  I shall do so by category!  This should streamline your pleasurable blog-reading experience!


There are more undiscovered species living in the oceans of Earth than there are known species of living creatures on the land.  One of them is probably Cthulhu.

Nicolas Cage is  a time-traveller.  His movies begun to suck at the exact moment that his original timeline intersected with our own.  In that timestream, he ceased to exist.  In this one, he can’t come to terms with the demise of his parallel alternate self.  The result is shitty movies.  Basic science, really.

He was much less confused back in the 1800’s.

Spock once said “there are always possibilities.”  What he didn’t tell you is that many of those possibilities are horrible and will likely kill you or ruin your life with a bunch of kids you don’t want via some stripper from Daytona Beach.

There was once a thriving civilization on Mars.  But they were all douchefags and deserved to die.

Someone actually made this. Also? Someone really doesn’t like Dan.

Twice an hour (three times an hour in Kendallville, Indiana) a redneck attempts to get high using old coffee grounds mixed with kerosene and huffed out of an old condom.

Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’.


Cats once endorsed a brand of cutting shears with the slogan “Fiskars are Great For Wiskers!”

You KNOW that Grumpy Cat is behind this.

Famous pirate “Black” Sam Bellamy was one of the first people to come up with a marketing slogan.  He was attempting to increase the sales (and theft, I suppose) of rum in the Caribbean.  His nifty catch phrase was painted in huge letters on the mainsail of his flagship.  From miles around, you could read the words “RUM IS FUM!!”  When a crewmember pointed out that there was no such word as “fum” in the English language, Bellamy incorrectly replied “It’s Polish, you twit!” and lopped off the head of the offending crewman.  Later that month, the logo on the sail was changed to “RUM IS YUM!” and sales of the cane-derived spirit skyrocketed.  Since that iconic advertising campaign, rum has been closely associated with piracy.  And interesting footnote is the episode of Spongebob Squarepants wherein Patrick Star devises an ad slogan for The Chum Bucket.  “Chum is Fum!” resonated with the citizens of Bikini Bottom in a way that would have made Black Sam smile.

It turns out you CAN stop the bum rush.  The rock, however, is unstoppable.  This fact has been proven by the Copenhagen Interpretation.


Justin Bieber was created in the same lab as Theory of a Deadman. Apparently, when scientists decided to split Nickelback in the Large Hadron Collider, two splinter products emerged as a result of Nickleback’s diamond-like cleavage and also their overpowering awesomeness and pussy-getting abilities. One such offshoot was TOAD itself, basically a small sliver of Nickelback that exhibited many of the same qualities.  The other unexpected by-product was Bieber. One possible explanation for this remarkable occurrence was that Canada somehow hates the rest of the free world, and this experiment was an attempt to re-create the amazing Shania Twain-Celine Dion space-time cross-rip of years past. (An interesting point:  it is widely believed that the white rapper known as Snow was a precursor to this same experiment, and may in fact be a shard of Celine Dion-like substance caught in the atomic matrix of Canada itself.)

Eazy-E, however, was created when the universe decided to un-fuck itself in the most righteous manner possible.

Mitt Romney’s entire presidential election bid stemmed from a bet he made with John McCain to “cock it up better than you did, pal!”  Romney is said to have winked and given McCain a friendly shoulder slap.

Syndicated radio personality Mancow Muller once possessed a fair amount of talent.  According to some witnesses, back in the mid-90’s he was not considered “a worthless hack who passes of his show-prep service as actual original content.”

I should’ve just titled this blog “Mancow is a douchey doucheface douchebag of douche that wears sunglasses inside. Douche.”

A Nokia cell phone was retrieved from the bottom of the North Sea after being dropped by a fleeing worker (he luckily escaped with only minor burns)during a horrible oil rig explosion.  The phone was found to have light scratches on the glass display.

Fact Up Beyond All Recognition

Here are some facts that I made up.  Use them to sow discord, panic, and confusion.

Approximately 2.3% of humans are deathly allergic to ice.  Luckily, most of them live near the equator.

Gene Kelly was an ordained minister, and used to perform secret marriage ceremonies for all the gays in Hollywood.  He did so under the alias “Reverend Lockwood.”  Sometimes the ceremony would conclude with a  song-and-dance number and at least four transvestites.

“Dank” is used today to describe particularly sticky, hairy, mondo weed because back in the 60’s some stoner in Amsterdam didn’t know how to write or pronounce “dank je!”

The sound hyenas make is actually nervous laughter, as they are very self-conscious and don’t like being photographed.

OMG, this one time this guy TOTALLY overdosed on Tums and the EMT’s were all like “quick!  Get him something spicy!!  Poblano peppers, stat!”  He almost died, but like, there was this Qdoba’s just down the street.

The “gram” as a unit of measurement was a nod by Phillip Metric (father/creator of the Metric System) to his late grandmother.  The family generally referred to her as “Gram” or “Grammy.”  In fact, Thomas Edison was so taken with her (they almost married!) that he named the Gramophone after her as well.

Think about that the next time you pick up a gram of dank while watching the Grammys.  Seriously.

Quickly, Quickly…

Holy crap…how long has it been? Last few weeks have been cray-cray!  (I do so love that expression.  By my next blog it’ll be so over I’ll wish for “Waaazzzzzuuuup!” to make a return.  Or perhaps “Yeah, baby!”)

So lets just catch up and I’ll lay some knowledge on you.  For example, later this month will be the “official” one-year anniversary of this place being open for business.  I don’t really think we got going until August, but since my first post here was a re-blog of one of my Facebook notes…yeah.  (Speaking of Facebook, how ’bout when some of us thought Google+ was gonna run roughshod over Zuckerberg?  Also, what the fuck is “roughshod”?)  But the point is, thanks for reading (and following and sharing!) because as I sit here and review stats I’ve had close to 43,000 views since then.  Sure, a good 1/3 of those are from people reading my Big Bang Theory rant (actually, only 7,148 views on that one, but still…)

But enough about me!  My delusions of grandeur are well-documented. It’s time to see what draws some of you miscreants to this sordid chunk of the interwebs. Here are todays’ top search criteria, or rather the searches that led folks here…


grammar nazi

paul watson is a douchebag

selina kyle porn


shakespeare in love kiss

dinosaur meme workout

carrot top before and after

hulk vs the incredible hulk movie

i fucking love cocaine


Who exactly is Paul Watson?  I mean, we might be related!  (Actually, I think it’s in reference to the Canadian environmental activist who fights against things like shark finning, which some of you know I absolutely detest.  If he’s a douchebag for trying to stop a ship from engaging in that horrible practice, then the Canadian connotation of “douchebag” must really mean “epic hero with balls of solid vibranium.”)

Technically, it’s “Free Captain Watson with purchase of regular drink” but it’s a nice gesture.


Also, what exactly would happen if the Hulk actually fought the movie “The Incredible Hulk?”  I mean, on a metaphysical level it would be interesting.  Like, if he stood outside the theater protesting with a big sign that read “HULK THINK TOO MUCH PATHOS!!  GRRAAAAAAGHHH!!  STILL BETTER THAN ANG LEE MOVIE!! HULK NOT PAY FOURTEEN DOLLARS FOR LARGE POPCORN COMBO!!” I would show up and cheer him on.  If, however, he literally fought the cast, crew, writer, director, producer, and food service people…whoa, that could get ugly.  I love Edward Norton, but pound-for-pound I’m going with the Other Guy.

” I will not be bullied by some dissatisfied fanbo–GAAAHHHH!!!!”


And I believe that P-90X is on the way out.  So is that “Insanity” thing.  Yep.  They’re the new Tae-Bo and soon health-conscience men and women will be engaging in the new hotness:  The Dinosaur Meme Workout.  It’s great, only takes fifteen minutes of Reddit a day, and leaves you with a lean, sexy core! Why, even Carrot Top is using it!  remember when he was a skinny redheaded Wendy’s rip-off?  Well, feast your eyes!

Wait, no! I meant AVERT your eyes! Avert! Man, I’m so sorry, guys.

Thanks for reading, though.  Writing feels good.  Having someone read it is better.




Just the Facts.

On the Twitter recently (@turnerwatson) I’ve seen a lot of so-called “facts”  Many of these Tweets are not, in fact, actually based in any sort of reality.  In response, I started Tweeting what I call “Turner Watson Facts, or #twfacts for short.  Yes, I know that it looks like either “Twitter Facts” or even worse “Twat Facts” but goddammit, that’s not the point.  Most of what I post under that hashtag is completely made up.  I’ve assembled some of them here, along with some ones from my little iPod notepad PLUS as an added bonus, there are some real honest-to-goodness facts sprinkled in to keep you guessing.  It’s like a big Easter Egg hunt, but without a crazy duck following you around trying to eat you. That’s an “Adventure” joke, by the way.  See?  An Easter Egg inside of an Easter Egg in a blog that casually mentions Easter Eggs!  It’s the INCEPTION BLOG!!!


White Midwestern kids love Bob Marley 73% more than actual Jamaicans.

The current railway gauge used in the US and Europe is actually based on the width of Roman chariots.  Roads, and eventually railways, were measured using the ruts made by chariots that spanned the Roman Empire.  In Asia, the railway gauge is different, so railway travelers entering parts of Russia from Europe must actually switch trains.

Scientists have proven that it is 82% more difficult to get out of bed on a Saturday morning when surrounded by purring housecats.  This rate doubles in Winter.

Ladies reading this post just fell in love.

Leonard Cohen wrote “The Safety Dance” and intended to record it himself, but thought that the tone was too somber.

Eating too much granola can give you a granuloma.

The original name of “Special K” cereal was “Bowl O’ Scabs” due to its high iron content.

Yep. Enjoy your breakfast!

In the 1800’s most swim caps were made of whale foreskin.

During the Great Depression, “Peanut Brittle” was temporarily replaced with “Flea-Nut Brittle” (Flea nuts were cheap and abundant.)

The multi-layer space suits worn by the astronauts to the moon weighed 180 pounds on earth, but thirty pounds on the moon due to the lower gravity.

A moon that is “growing full” is known as a “waxing moon.”  A moon transitioning to “new” is called a “waning moon.”  A moon shot over the shoulder in a bathroom mirror is called “Scarlett Johanssoning.”

You're welcome, ladies. And fellas. Enjoy your breakfast!

The sexual term “fisting” was coined by mistake.  “Penthouse Letters” simply misspelled “fishing.”

It was physically impossible for John Belushi to ice skate, so his part in “Slap Shot” was handed to Paul Newman.

In August of 1972, a girl totally said “Bloody Mary” into a darkened mirror, and was, like, totally never heard from again.