Hey, gang! Ready for some more of Ol’ Uncle Turner’s life hacks and observations? Good! Good for you! (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of my “facts” are completely made-up, and I will not be held responsible for anything that happens as a result of you trying some of my “helpful hints” because I have no sense of control/restraint so I do dumb shit. Don’t do dumb shit, kids.)
FUN FACT: The original draft of the screenplay for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” ended with Cameron murdering his father with a tire iron.
HELPFUL HINT: Don’t murder anyone with a tire iron. Instead, slip a few scorpions into their pillowcase! Scorpions are nature’s li’l ninjas!
FUN FACT: Hitler had three elbows!
HELPFUL HINT: Fuck with Nazis every chance you get. Seriously, fuck those racist fucks. Remember that Editor’s Note earlier wherein I advised against doing stuff that I suggest? Yeah, fuck that. Let ’em have it. Piss in their coffee, taze them and leave ’em to drown. Whatever. Scum. All of ’em are scum.
FUN FACT: Vomiting is necessary! Every time you spit bile up and out of your esophagus, you’re basically exfoliating your tender inner skin and mucous lining. It’s nature’s way of replenishing much-needed nutrients!
HELPFUL HINT: Before you go out drinking, drop a bottle of Mio flavoring into your toilet. That way, when you or your guests have to puke, you’ll be greeted with the smell and flavor of Tangerine Mango or some other delightful taste sensation! (Until the barf hits the water, then it’ll quickly turn to Tangerine-Mango-Seven-Layer Burrito.) When you’ve gotta puke, flush often, kids!
FUN FACT: Back in 1966, Waylon Jennings lost an arm-wrestling match to noted physicist Stephen Hawking in Cambridge, England. Jennings was so furious at losing the match, he cursed the brilliant Hawking to a wheelchair for the rest of his days. The perturbed country-western singer added “And I’ll come over every October 16th and beat on your dead legs with a tire-iron, you limey prick!” To this day, October 16th is known as “Tire Iron Day” in England and “The Reaping” in Texas.
HELPFUL HINT: Don’t mess with Texas.
FUN FACT: Kraft changed the logo for their line of “Handi-Snacks” because, well…the old logo looked like it said “Hanoi-Snacks” and, well…Vietnam and shit.
HELPFUL HINT: I don’t really have one here. Just wanted to point out that, yes, I totally made up the reason WHY they changed logos, but damn…look at that, would ya?
And not to be out-done in the vaguely racist/insensitive snack cracker department, Lance named their yellow snack crackers (I can’t make this shit up, folks) Nip-Chee. Dafuq?
Until next time, kiddies!