**Cracks knuckles. Sips Scotch. Exhales. Turns to keyboard.**
Into part two. Moar questions answered! (And thanks for liking my Facebook page. Seriously, it means a lot. If you haven’t yet, feel free to visit it on the right-hand margin over there. I’ll wait. Got it? Good!)
Leslie asks “Is you mother still writing?”
Leslie and I are old theater cohorts, and she’s asking, literally, about my mom’s writing career. Many people don’t know that my mother used to write romance novels. She started out at Harlequin Romance, doing those monthly soft-core romances that you mom likes. She dabbled with other publishers, and actually had a few books out with her name above the title. In other words, her books said “LYNN TURNER” and then “NAME OF STORY” underneath. And yes, Lynn Turner was a pen-name. She took my middle name (yeah, so? Lynn is just as masculine as…as…like, Dale or something) and first name, transposed them, and BAZINGA! Fun fact: later on, as the internet became “a thing” mom would do Alta Vista searches (remember AltaVista? It was the Google of the mid-90’s) for “Lynn Turner” and found out that…SURPRISE! Lynn Turner was a 90’s porn star. Anyway, sadly, it’s been a while since mom published anything. She contributed a few items to anthologies and such for old editor friends, but nothing of late. Perhaps she should start blogging…giving tips to aspiring writers and such. Hint-hint, mom. (Then again, she could be my editor, as I just finished a damned manuscript and have no self-control…)
A very special query from my dear friend Joe: “Why do you do this on a weekly basis after our hockey games … Stand like Captain Morgan while holding a beer wearing ONLY your birthday suit or if I’m lucky you’ll throw on a shirt, but that’s it ?!?! I’ve seen your hog more than I’ve seen my own. Welp, see ya later.”
For those of you that don’t know, Joe is one of my very best and dearest friends ever. And I’m 43 years old, so that’s saying something. Anyway, Joe is also the drummer in the band RAINS and my linemate on our beer-league hockey team. Next to Smallville’s Michael Rosenbaum, he’s the most famous guy I’ve ever shared the ice with. But his distress comes from the fact that, yes, I often throw my “hog” out for display. See, my “hog” has gotten me attention in the past (due to its shimmering, glistening beauty…and a purplish vein on the side that spells out ‘radiant’ in cursive and OH GOD, STOP TYPING!!) Anyhoo…ol’ Joe’s penis has been known to cure blindness and make the crippled walk. It also, ironically, has crippled non-believers who won’t accept that it is the ultimate power in the universe and STOP TYPING!! NOW!! THAT IS AN ORDER!)
Daniel (or, as we call him in da Fort ‘Porch’) has a good ‘un: “Why are you a closet case for your love of Batman over Spider-man.. or.. what attracts you to Spider-man and when did you first feel that chub?”
I intend to do an entire blog about Spidey, who is the super-hero with whom I most identify. He really does deserve his own blog, so deep are my affections for ol’ Web-Head. But my Batman love isn’t closeted in any way. I love Batsy. In fact, Batman and Ambush Bug are my all-time favorite DC Comics characters. And if you don’t know who Ambush Bug is, please do yourself a favor and run (RUN, I SAID!! MOVE YOUR GODDAM FEET!) to your nearest (local) comic book store and inquire. They’ll steer you right.
Time for one more? Okay. One more.
Finally, this question from Jess: “How do you balance family/real life with the bear?”
She’s referring, of course, to my primary job, which is hosting the midday show on 98.9 the Bear in Ft. Wayne (but with online listenership spanning the literal globe! Wae’aye, Newcastle!) The thing is, the radio side of my life is part of my “normal” life and vise-versa. See, nowadays radio guys are just like audio bloggers. We use our lives as show-prep. By that, I mean that what happens to us away from the radio station informs upon the show itself. Follow? John the Mexican talks about his new house during his show, Barry Thickk talks up his latest blowjob adventure (SPOILER: it was with a LADY!) Hell, I just had my kids in to do a show with me AGAIN. This, because I am sick and tired of trying to find childcare during this hellish winter that we’re having in the midwest. The point is that if you have a family, and you’re going to do radio, well…they’d better just get used to the idea. This isn’t TV or movies. You don’t get to shoot the scenes and go home. You work at it, constantly. 24 hours a day. Your life is show-prep, and radio is your life. That’s just how it is. Concerts, remotes, appearances, guest-judging wet t-shirt contests…it’s all part of your life, and the other way around. It’s why radio is so trying, demanding, and exhausting. It’s also why it’s so blissful. If you’re gonna stay in this biz…and I’ve been doing it for over twenty years…you learn that there’s no other way. Radio = your life. And the other way around.