Well, now that right there is a title. Ain’t it grand? On Facebook I solicited ideas for blog subjects, and my buddy and occasional teammate and verbal sparring-partner Luke gave me that one. I thought it pretty much summed everything up, so here we are!
But, of course, it does matter. Not going to delve too much into a discussion about the multiverse, but here’s the thing about time/space: it’s constant and already there. Imagine a map of the United States, and straight railroad line from New Jersey to California. The railway itself is time, carrying us towards some future destination. We see the landscape pass by and that how we perceive or measure time. But here’s the thing: just because we leave New Jersey behind (and for good reason. I KEED!) doesn’t mean it ceases to exist. It’s still right there, but our train is going full steam ahead. All the States we pass though are like days, weeks, years that we’ve traveled through. They still exist, right where we left ’em. The trick is getting the train to stop and backing ‘er up. Is it possible? I think so. But in order to do that you must lay down some new tracks and leave the old railway behind. And when you do that, you’ve just created another new set of possibilities. This happens anyway, every time you make a choice. Every time you decide to go back to sleep instead of getting up, order Dr. Pepper instead of Coke, watch the rerun of The Jeffersons instead of going for a walk. There’s an alternate timeline where you kissed your high school crush at that dance instead of chickening out. And in that reality, you ended up getting married to your crush and having two kids before seeing your marriage fall apart and within that reality there’s also one where you reconcile and end up being married for 60 years and seeing your grandkids go to college. And one where you murder your true love. Damn. Thanks, Luke…you’ve just brought everyone down. Asshole. I love you. (Even though this section really didn’t deal with string theory or gun control.)
Okay, next we have Joe Schultz (whose own idea to crowd-source his blog was the inspiration for this one.) He says to write about the band Rush. Dude…did you even read the last paragraph? Tell me that wasn’t basically the blog version of “Freewill?” Or maybe “By-Tor and the Snow Dog” since the ORIGINAL story concept had Snow Dog losing. Plus, By-Tor shows up in “Caress of Steel” and kills the Necromancer so that the three travelers can escape, which means he’s the hero of the story. See, who knows if he would’ve made that sort of decision if he hadn’t been literally taught a lesson by the defeat at the hands of Snow Dog?
Jesus, this thing is turning out to be a lot geekier than I had planned. Okay, how about we hear from a lady? Kellie wants my thoughts on crispy bacon v. chewy bacon. Dude. I don’t know what chewy bacon is all about because I won’t eat the filthy motherfucker. That shit better not even make it to my plate less’n you wanna feel my PIMP HAND. (I am 100% legit, folks. No brag. Just fact.)
Brandin’s question is whether “liking” your own status is the same as laughing at your own joke. It is. It totally is, and Joe Schultz does it ALL. THE. TIME. Then again, Joe needs me to explain to him when things are funny. True story.
USMC and Royal Marine air-traffic controller and all-around officer and gentleman Rob (true story: he’s so bad-ass that he’s actually commanded Marines for two different COUNTRIES. You’ll never be that awesome, so don’t even try) wants to ponder “Crazy dreams about having to pee because your body is trying to wake you up to go before you wet the bed.” This would really be a good question for Dream Analyst Lauri Loewenberg. It’s hard for me to really speak about with any sort of experience, because I usually just pass out and wake up in a pool of my own piss and blood. Often, upon awakening, I discover that I’m clutching what seems to be some sort of scalp or pelt. Weird.
I also had some more musical suggestions, so I’ll cover them all at once. Joseph (not Joe Schultz) said to write about how excited I am for the Social Distortion show at Piere’s in Ft. Wayne on June 29th. Extremely. I’ve seen them before, but to have a legendary band like that playing in our backyard is so wonderful. Darryl suggested that I wrote about the differences in various styles of Heavy Metal. The problem is, I’m really not a big “metal” fan. I prefer punk. Or Rush. Plus, as a guy who’s never really followed the genre, I don’t know whether some things I like actually are considered “metal.” Five Finger Death Punch certainly seems like metal to me, but is a lot more enjoyable than much of what Drew Cage plays on Bear Metal every Saturday at 10m on 98.9 the Bear and online at 989thebear.com! Sure, there are several bands I can get behind…old-school stuff like Slayer and cheeseball stuff like Manowar…Atreyu seems pretty rad for a more modern band…but, yeah. That’s pretty much it.
Honorable mentions: 2-ply v. 3-ply toilet paper (see also: crispy bacon v. chewy bacon), my friends Nick and Shannon getting married, how much fun I had at the last FWDG bout, how I resist the societal pressure to “grow up” and act like a 42-year-old, and the Boston bombings. Some of these things make me happy, others make me sad, and (other than the toilet paper thing) all deserve more time/space/respect than I can afford at this point. So, go enjoy the weather and we’ll catch up later, mmmkay? Thanks!