I Want ANSWERS!!!

Last night my Sweet Baby (the lovely Heidi L. Watson, pictured) and I sat down to watch “The Hunger Games.”

Mmmmm!! Hot wife alert!

Heidi had already seen it, but thought I’d enjoy it, so I Redboxed that shit and away we went to cinemaland right in the comfort of our own home!  And it was a decent flick.  I won’t do a full review because you either already know all about it or don’t give a shit.  But I will say that it was a film that had the effect of being better as a whole than it was while watching it.  In other words, it was like I was holding my breath for complete greatness through the whole thing and felt like it never quite got there, but then as the credits rolled at the conclusion of the film, I found myself wishing for more.  I wanted to know what happened next, and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you launch a successful franchise.  But I had a few questions, none more glaring than this: (KIND OF SPOILER-Y STUFF AHEAD.  Nothing major, but you’ve been told.)

One of these two doesn’t make it. I TOLD YOU!! SPOILERS!!

In the film, the “Show” has a bunch of producers and is done on this futuristic soundstage/holodeck construct.  And the directors can add trees, fire, daylight, or rampaging, wild, Zuul-like dog-beast things to the mix to make life more difficult to the contestants.  Based on this technology (in the film: I’ve never read the book series) they can whip up whatever they want at the push of a button.  Cool!  Okay then, here’s my problem:  WHY DON’T THEY WHIP UP SOME FOOD FOR EVERYBODY?!? For God’s sake, there are people starving to death out there in the Districts!

Scotty accidentally typed NON-Scottish food, and, well…

“Wait, that’s the whole POINT!” you argue.  “The Capitol wants to keep the people hungry and subdued.  Sure, they could make a bunch of bison or something for the people to butcher and eat, but then they wouldn’t be all…uh, hungry…and, uh, restless.  They’d be more docile, like full-bellied people tend to be, so…wait…wow!  You’re right!  A poor, hungry populace breeds discontent and resentment for those that have more…so, yeah.  Okay, Turner.  You’re right again.  YOU’RE ALWAYS SO DAMNED RIGHT ALL THE TIME!!”
I know, child.  I know.  Or, how about this?  Let the people die and whip up some virtual miners to get the coal (seriously?  They still mine coal?  WTF?!?) or even a constructed army to keep the people in line.  It just seems like they’re using this technology all wrong, that’s all.  And if these animals and such aren’t real at all, just super-realistic holograms, then…then how do they kill people?  Is it like the Matrix?  In other words, if you believe this weird wasp thing has stung you with psychedelic venom,then your brain “makes it real” with honest-to-God bad trips and night sweats?  Okay.  Whatever.

I AM WILLIAM RIKER, AND I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!

But I have a few more general, non-Katniss-related questions…

Like, why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just order a goddam pizza already?  He’s a scrawny dog living in the desert, and yet he has ordered from ACME supply company the following items:  a rocket.  Roller skates.  Bird feed.  Iron buck shot.  A super-sized magnet. A “Bat Man” outfit (copyright lawyers had to be ALL OVER that one.) Etc.  Um, order up some MRE’s or something, dude.  Let the bird go.  (Another theory: the RoadRunner is either a hallucination born of starvation or a digital construct, and Wile E. is actually a tribute from District 4.)

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!!

Why does a gynecologist (or any doctor, really) leave the room while you get undressed?  I mean…they’re going to see the good stuff anyway.  Also, how many times a year does an attractive female doctor have to deal with erections while either checking for hernias or testicular anomalies in men?  And the PROSTATE?! Fuggetaboutit! Like a phalanx of man-wood each year!

Pictured: NOT a real doctor.

How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck?  And why?

Even better? How much Woodchuck could a woodchuck CHUG?!?

Finally, why can’t I get the theme from the 2009 Star Trek movie out of my head?  Seriously…it’s omnipresent. (Actually, I already know the answer.  It’s because Michael Giacchino is an amazing composer, that’s why.  Gott DAMN!!  He’s done everything from “The Incredibles” to “Super 8.” Check out his work HERE.) Also?  I think it’s time to write another Star Trek-themed blog.  Like I haven’t just kinda done that.

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17 responses to “I Want ANSWERS!!!

  1. That was exactly the problem I had with Hunger Games. The instant they conjured up dogs I was all…why not food??? The tech-level of such conjuration-from-nothing bugged me, too, as it struck me as WAY above anything else we’d seen. All-in-all, it’s poor science fiction. Space Opera without the “space.” Dystopian Opera? I will give it “a good story well told”…with the caveat that the conjuring of dogs is a problem within the story.

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    • Oh, and gynecologists leave the room because the ACT of taking off clothes is inherently comical and unpretty, based on the weird positions you have to strike to pull your pants off your feet and whatnot. Also, you’re essentially a skinny man, so you don’t KNOW how awkward/silly/unattractrive it can be when bodies get…um….thicker!

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    • Yeah, it has a bit of the “Firefly” sort of far-flung people living off of dirt farms contrasting with inner-system types flush with the latest technology…but they still mine coal and take trains, yet can conjure up cyber-beasts and the like. Hooooo-kay…

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    • Lastly, Wile E. doesn’t order pizza because if he did there’d be no cartoon. Watching him order pizza from Acme, episode after episode, while Road Runner whizzes by unmolested…really? That’s your idea of a funny cartoon??

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      • What about just simple HATE?!?! Shouldn’t he be so angry that he wants to kill the bird at all costs? Wile E. is Bud White to Roadrunner’s Exley. Opposite sides of the same coin, and a collision is inevitable. Just give the fucking dude a sandwich, that’s all. (I love animals.)

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  2. Warner Bros. owns DC Comcis, so the copyright lawyers were probably “Can we sue ourselves? Somebody should look into that.”

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  3. Okay, I have read the books (super easy read, you can literally read them in a couple hours if you are a fast reader). As far as the conjuring up the dog things, it isn’t like that in the book. And you have to read the books to really dwelve into the reasoning behind the “not giving away the food” stuff. Also, as I’m sure you wife has stated, the books have a metric fuck ton of inner dialogue that the movie can’t convey unfortunately. Read the first one at least. The story tends to fall off towards the third one.

    SPOILER ALERT!!!

    The dogs in the book were actually made up of the deceased people, aka they were fused (think Island of Dr. Moreau{sp?}). And the colonies are actually separate parts of the US broken up. That’s why they still mine coal. What else is the appalachian mountains good for?

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  4. On the Hunger Games, to fully capture the message you should really read the book, yes the movie was good but as is usually the case, the books was better. (Spoiler alert..kinda) The dogs (in the book anyway) weren’t holograms, they were genetic mutations (muttations) using the DNA from the tributes that were previously killed. And yes the Capitol could easily feed the districts and make them fat and happy and content. But they want the districts to remember that they need the Capitol, to remember who is in control, as good as the movie was it didn’t do the book enough justice. I am super excited about Catching Fire though, it was the best book of the series.

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