Hey, gang. I promise to write another lengthy piece for you soon, because who doesn’t like a lengthy piece, amirite? But whilst sitting with my three-year-old in the plastic, filthy, smelly, greasy HELL that is the McDonald’s playland, it occurred to me that, dog-gone-it, there are some things that I just don;t like. But like they taught you in physics class, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Herein lies the lesson for today.
STUFF I LIKE!!
Calling the evening meal “supper” instead of “dinner.”
People who say “cock-a-roach” and “robut” and “sangwich” for the words cockroach, robot, and sandwich, respectively. Usually these tend to be old people, and I quite enjoy old people.
Star Trek, and by only the slightest fraction of a degree less, Star Wars. Add to this Firefly and the first Matrix.
Spider-Man and the X-Men. Call me crazy, but Marvel knew what they were doing when they started making troubled teen superheroes.
Wearing a hockey jersey…and shorts.
Rational arguing with smart people who don’t share my views. Good God, there’s nothing better than a good debate, as long as it doesn’t devolve into Facebook name-calling and TEA PARTY!! FUCK OBAMA! DERP-titude.
Winter becoming spring and summer becoming autumn.
The smell of surf wax and surf shops in general. Also, the smell of hockey tape and the general smelliness of hockey.
To crush my enemies. To see them driven before me. And to hear the lamentations of their women. And jambalaya. Oh, boy, do I love some good jambalaya.
ANYTHING by Chris VanGompel. Hockey Zombie, The Mario Brothers, TNT the Comic, etc. Dude’s brilliant, and I am glad to call him my friend.
STUFF I DISLIKE!!
Dudes (usually dads) that wear denim jeans shorts. Please stop. It is 100% worse if you also have a polo shirt tucked into it. You make us dads look really horrible.
Ranch dressing. Seriously, Midwestern people…you’ve got to put down the ranch. Try some Italian or balsamic vinaigrette. Please.
College football. I don’t hate it, mind you, I just don’t give a shit. Also? Golf. I’ve played it. Meh.
People that wear running or athletic shoes in their daily routine. You can’t do that and be part of my society. Wear some Chucks, some Vans, some Sambas, or some flip-flops unless you’re going to work, then have some nice wingtips or something. Dude.
The Christian Taliban. You know these types. They’re beyond conservative and too crazy for the Tea Party. They want Sharia Christian Law to govern our daily lives. Too bad, because I drink, smoke, and masturbate, and will continue to do so. Hell, I might perform an abortion just on principle. Fuck, this group makes me angry.
Superman. Really, I get it. He’s fighting for truth, justice, and the American way (yeah, FUCK YOU, NORTH KOREA!! EAT MOAR DOGS!! HHAHAHAHALOLOLOL!!) But, c’mon. Dude’s been around too long and, oh yeah: he’s invincible. I hate that about him.
When I go to write with my ball-point pen and it’s not clicked into the “ready” position and I scrape bare pen-plastic against the paper…GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I fucking HATE THAT!!
Stuff that “tastes” like peanut butter. Peanut butter “flavouring.” Bullshit. It tastes like a goddam dollop of almond butter with all the sugar in it. All. The. Sugar. Or it’s like you took a hairdryer to the peanut butter and made it into some sort of peanut lint. Gawd-awful, is what it is.
STUFF I HONORABLY MENTION!!
Okay, I didn’t mention hipsters. Of course I don’t like them. Nobody does. I figured it was a given. Also, I failed to bring up ice cream for the exact opposite reason. I mean, really…ice cream. Ever been to a birthday party where they just had cake and no ice cream? Remember how disappointed you were? Exactly.
Also, it looks like I have more “likes” than “dislikes.” I am a pretty positive person after all! Yay, me!