Okay, another place holder here. I’m working on a humdinger. Not to brag or nuthin’, but it’ll make those Nickelback and Big Bang Theory posts look like that Seahawks-Rams game last Monday night. But you’ll have to wait on that one, chief. Patience…
In the meantime, I need to “purge my cache” so to speak. My wife wants me to do an entire blog on how much I love to say “goddammit.” I don’t know if there’s enough source material there, but we’ll give it a little test drive. See, lots of people will tell you that “God Damn It” is what we call “using the Lord’s name in vain.” I have empirical proof that this is not the case: the Episcopal priest that married my wife and me is my star witness. He told me that every time he smashes his thumb with a hammer or his shin finds the coffee table in the dark of night, “GODDAMMIT!” is the first thing out of his mouth. This fact in and of itself is not the support for my claim. It’s just an awesome story, and it’s fun to imagine Father Shane in his priestly wardrobe hopping on one leg and cursing like a sailor. Oh, in my vision he’s also staggeringly drunk. He’s Episcopalian, after all.
But his argument backed up my own notions (as all good arguments do.) His rationale was that to truly “use the name of the Lord in vain” is to use His name for your own purposes. Think “TV Evangelist.” Or Tim Tebow compelling the Lord to get the ball across the goal line. Or even praying to win the lottery or cure your disease. To take it even further (and make a little more sense to me) it is also to say you speak for God, especially when you want others to do your bidding. “God told me to outlaw the gays! And the single moms! And the single gays! And married ones, too! OUTLAW ALL THE THINGS!!” It gets worse when you get an ayatollah or other religious leader basically claiming to have a hotline to The Big Guy and The Big Guy wants you to vote for said ayatollah because basically they’re so tight that they’re totally the same person. BFF! Yes, claiming to be God would be a fair description of “using the name of the Lord in vain.” I like to think that God has more important things (COUGH! DARFUR! COUGH!) to worry about than whether you mentioned his name when you totally slice on the thirteenth. But that’s just me. And my priest.
Changing subject. Why the hell is the light under the escalator green? It’s ALWAYS green. The color of glowing evil. It’s like Minas Morgul is under your feet. Or the Loc-Nar. Think about that for a second. It’s bad enough that you worry about your shoelace getting caught and ripping your goddam (!) foot off at the ankle in a spinning, whirring, jagged set of evil mechanical teeth. Maybe there’s also a Nazgul down there. Or worse. If you’re old enough, you’ll remember the old trailer for “Alien.” It was simply a space egg cracking open and evil, glowing, green light-stuff pouring out. Fuck. That. Aliens, an eternal evil consciousness, and the Witch King are all waiting for you to fall down the goddam steps of the escalator so that they can feast on your soul. And you’ll totally spill all of your purchases from JC Penney all over the goddam place. Horrifying.
You guys know that I love old stuff. I only mention it, oh, EVERY GODDAM TIME I BLOG. But there are some old things that I don’t get. Like when we used to think it was acceptable to go out in public in Zubaz pants and aqua socks. And we did that shit. Sorry, man…it was the early-nineties.
But old expressions sometimes confuse the hell out of me. One such turn-of-phrase is “Catch as catch can.” What the FUCK does that mean? I mean, are there other ways to say that without being confusing as hell? Maybe someone could, oh, I don’t know…come up with some synonyms? Oh, wait! Merriam-Webster has done that for us! How about some of these: aimless, arbitrary, desultory, erratic, haphazard, helter-skelter, hit-or-miss, scattered, slapdash, stray?
Actually, now that I think about it, I might just start using “catch-as-catch-can” instead of words like “haphazard” (which is equally ridiculous, when you think about it.) An example: “This sure is one hell of a catch-as-catch-can clusterfuck!” Or “The Titanic surely would still be afloat if not for that catch-as-catch-can construction! Goddam Irish!”
Anyway, there’s this week’s blog, goddammit. Sorry if it was sort of catch-as-catch-can.