Well, it’s been a good week and kind of a “meh” week. On one hand, Reddit hates me because I trashed “Big Bang Theory.” It’s okay: that’s what Reddit does, and I’m cool with that. At the other end of the spectrum, one of my Tweets made Tosh.0 the other night. Score. Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. But he said that in the 70’s. Adjusted for inflation, everyone will be famous for about the length of a “Guy on a Buffalo” video. Shit, I almost made it…
Anyway. In part to make up for the geek-related hatred my last blog spawned, I thought I’d ask for your help in clearing up some comic-related issues I had. For example:
Wolverine’s Healing Properties
So, Wolvie’s gone through some serious backstory/retconning over the last fifteen years or so. (SPOILER ALERT: his name isn’t Logan!) Once, he had all the adamantium removed from his body by Magneto. Ouch. The good news is that he discovered that his healing properties were actually being hindered by all that metal. Once, he was completely incinerated…and GREW BACK!! That got me wondering. What if Wolverine got cut in half? Is it beyond the realm of possibility that he would grow into TWO Wolverines? Like cutting a worm in half? Or would his lower torso just shrivel up and die? If he did grow a whole new self, it would be kind of selfish of him NOT to cut himself in half a bunch of times in order to grow a whole army…ARMY X!! SNIKT!!
HULK WANT TWO WOLVERINES!!
Planet of the Apes
This is a stretch, but in the far-flung future, when Apes Rule Everything Around Me, what if one of them were bitten by, say, a radioactive spider? What would he call himself? “Spider Monkey,” of course. But that would be like a modern-day superhero calling himself European American or somesuch. Also, what good would the ability to climb be to a race of beings that, well…already climb real good-like?
A crime is in progress...must throw poop!
Superman is a dick
Cracked covered this in one of their articles about movie editing, but it’s always bothered me, so we’ll discuss. In the movie “Superman” ol’ Supes flies to the rescue of a town that’s about to be wiped out by a breaking dam. But by so doing, he lets Lois Lane die when her car gets all fucked-up by the earthquake. Superman gets all sad, and you remember what happened next: he flies around the world, super-fast…backwards…to REVERSE TIME! (Suck it, Einstein!) Then he swoops down, says something witty, and rescues Lois. Yayyy! Love conquers all! Except that, you know…by rescuing Lois, he’s nowhere NEAR the GODDAM DAM (see what I did there?) that’s about to break and wipe out a village of 3,000 souls. Did I miss something? I mean, shit, even Spock knows that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Way to go, Superfag.
In fairness, THIS is the worst thing to come out of the Superman franchise.
The Hulk’s pajama jeans
They’re really the only possible explanation. But why purple? Purple stretch jeans that don’t get ripped to shreds and expose his big, green junk to the world? Where the fuck do you even BUY those? Jesus, Dr. Banner…I thought you were a genius or something. Too bad you dress like a homeless guy hanging around outside of Denny’s.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angr-GAAHHH!! BEES! BEES IN MY MIND!! I'LL FIGHT YOU!
Turner Watson 
Wolverine: I don’t think Wolverine would ever willingly let another Wolverine come into being.They would constantly be fighting over Jean Grey. And unlike that pussy Cyclops another Wolverine would be a threat in a fight. He wouldn’t want that.
“Spider Monkey”: Climbing would never be the focus if this situation occured. Everyone would focus on the fact that the monkey could use the webbing like a sling to fling its poop around… David and Goliath style. And since the spider would enhance the monkeys already impressive strength, it would be a very formidable weapon.
Superman: To prove that Superman is even more of a dick then you’re thinking… Lois would die anyway right after he saved her. The Time Machine proved that because Superman only got the idea for “time travel” because she died, saving her would be a paradox. She would have to die no matter how many times he went back. So he not only let the town die, but also doomed Lois to infinite death…
Hulk: … I have no idea…
BTW, watched Big Bang Theory last week… the laugh track drives me insane now…
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SEE?!? Thanks for reading, bub!
As for Superman, to make the film a little more realistic, they should have just started playing the whole movie in reverse from that point. I mean, once you get the world spinning backwards, how do you stop it again? Oh, and by the way…if the Earth stops spinning and reverses rotation, um…HOLY SHIT!! Everything would literally fly apart. Buildings crumble, birds and whales have their navigation messed up…all for a piece of ass. Thanks, Son of Jor-El. I hope Zod rips you a new one.
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Wolverine gets cut in half maybe the bottom half finds the upper half healing and gelling together. Say his lower half gets thrown into outer space by hulk…..he’s regrowing. If ed brubaker is writing it will be as “realistic” as possible if say jeff lien writes it he’s doing whatever he wants and Pissing on continuity. Superman is a jew which makes him off limits for scrutiny.
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Superman is a…a Jew, you say? Huh. Blows that whole “Aryan Superman” idea right out the window! And I don’t care who’s writing, as long as John Romita, Jr. is there to draw Rogue. I spent a good deal of time with her…in my bedroom…alone…
Ahem.
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