Okay then. Let’s get to it! And we’ll start with one of the greatest paragons of the Empowered Woman in any medium. No, not Wonder Woman. We’ve already been over this, people. No, I’m talkin’ bout…
Yes, her name is vaguely sexist. Considering that her debut was in 1980, after a decade of women’s-lib protests and ERA debate, they could’ve done better. But they also could’ve done MUCH worse. Hulkette? Hulkina? At least “SHE” was front and center, and very much countered the “HE-man” mentality so prevalent before men learned to enjoy quiche. Her back-story went like this: Jennifer Walters, successful attorney and daughter of an LA County Sheriff, also happens to be the cousin of one Dr. Bruce Banner. You already see where this is going. She gets shot by mobsters the same day ol’ cousin Bruce happens to be in town. She needs a blood transfusion, their biological DNA and blood types match, so ta-dah! Bruce’s blood saves her! But then mobsters try and finish her off and she gets mad and BLA-DAMMM!!! She-Hulk. But what makes She-Hulk so damned cool is that she learns to control her Hulk-Out episodes and decides to STAY THAT WAY ALL THE TIME. She ends up being literally perfect: the brains and legal smarts of Jennifer Walters, the long legs, huge boobs, and killer smile of She-Hulk. Oh, and even though she’s not quite as strong as her male cousin, she’s bad-ass enough that she fills in for the mothafuckin’ THING in the mothafuckin FANTASTIC FOUR for a spell. So let’s recap: she’s a brilliant trial lawyer who happens to be tough enough to replace a guy whose catch-phrase was “It’s CLOBBERIN’ time!” She took the job of one of the toughest men on the planet and didn’t miss a beat. Also, the price she paid for her new-found beauty? She’s green. That’s it. She’s a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, literally, and isn’t afraid to flaunt her sexuality while maintaining the respect of her co-workers (who happen to have SUPER POWERS) and pursuing legal justice at the same time. There is no female character more complete and THAT, friends, is what makes her so damned sexy.
You know that old Beatles/Elvis argument? That you can enjoy both but always prefer one over the other? Turns out that the same applies to the weed/booze and Marvel/DC dichotomies. I must confess that I have always preferred Marvel’s products until they go off the rails (cough! mutantmassacre. cough!) and then I dive into the DC universe and remember that they have some great titles. During one of these spells I got heavily into the Teen Titans, and, well…Starfire. Good God. She’s an alien princess who can harness solar energy or somesuch to allow her to fly and fire energy bolts or what the hell ever man, TITTIES!!! Sorry. Also, when she flies her hair appears to be her primary means of propulsion and TITTAYS!!! Okay, so I don’t remember as much about her back-story other than I think she was dating Nightwing. And that her skin was a golden yellow-orange, much like Snooki. A friend of mine from college (cough! DamonMiles. cough!) pointed out on Facebook that between Orion Slave Girls, She-Hulk, and Starfire, I certainly go for chicks with otherworldly skin-tones. To which I reply “Oh, yeah? well…” and my voice trails off as I stare down at my Chuck Taylors. Goddammit.
A moment of silence, please.
Thank you. Sometimes when I drink my Yoo-Hoo wif mah krew, I pour a li’l out for GS. For those of you that don’t know, Gwen was not “super” in any way. She was simply Peter Parker’s first love. The Green Goblin (SPOILER ALERT!)essentially killed her. Spidey tried to save her, and, um…might have caused the whiplash that killed her. But let’s face it, after being thrown from that bridge, she was a goner anyway. Spidey tried. Spidey failed. This is why I love comics. And specifically why I prefer the likes of Spidey or Batman to Superman. They’re not perfect. Not by a longshot. Anyway, Gwen was beautiful, blonde, smart…and human. A regular girl. Obviously Peter Parker fell for her pretty hard, but, c’mon…dude was a scrawny geek. Having been a scrawny geek most of my life, let me tell you that we still aim pretty high. Gwen was pretty amazing. But she’s still not as hot as that other girl next door…(BONUS SPOILER ALERT! You-know-who is on the list later, Tiger.)
Okay, here’s the thing: I don’t really know what it is about Rogue that made her one of my faves. Maybe it’s that streak of white hair. Maybe it’s her southern accent (“Sure thing, sugah!”) Maybe it’s because you never really knew where she was coming from. Her connection to Mystique…her stealing of Carol Danvers’ life essence…her memory gaps. But let’s be honest, the hottest thing about Rogue has always been that you can’t touch her. She absorbs powers, thoughts, etc. by skin contact. So you’d have to have sex whilst wearing a wetsuit/condom contraption. Which is pretty goddam sexy on its own, amirite? Hello? Is this on? Dang. Rogue is forbidden fruit. And boy, isn’t that always the tastiest? Let me go ahead and answer that one: yes. Yes, it is. Sugah.
NEXT ISH: WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE LURKING IN THE SHADOWS? SOME SORT OF CAT? AND, WAIT…MORE CIVILIAN HOTNESS IN THE MIGHTY MARVEL STYLE?! STAY TUNED, TRUE BELIEVERS! EXCELSIOR!!