25 Untrue Things About Me

I’m new to WordPress. But as I fully expect to have BAJILLIONS of readers, I thought it best to give you a peek into what makes the ol’ T-Dawg tick (please feel free to address me as “T-Dawg.”) Full disclosure: I originally did this on Facebook (remember Facebook? Ah, those were the days, eh?) back in February of 2009. Before the dark days. Before the Empire.

1. I was born in a cross-fire hurricane to Mick Jagger and Dame Judy Dench.

2. Twice I’ve been nominated for the Congressional Medal of Honor. Twice denied.

3. My left lung is 35% bigger than my right.

4. I wrote and directed “This is Spinal Tap.”

5. I was actually born Alphonso Ribiero. After unsuccesfully trying to get the “other” Alphonso to change his name, I selected the name “Turner Watson” after the great 18th Century Shinto priest that invented Orange sherbet “Push-Up” ice cream treats.

6. Once I ran to Seattle. Just ’cause.

7. I can actually see the ultraviolet spectrum of light. Trust me…it’s a curse when I stay at a hotel and see all the stuff on the sheets.

8. I know that you’re lying.

9. I’ve been known to weep uncontrollably at the sight of a mullet. Just too beautiful.

10. I once digested a pack of Sylvania lightbulbs. I thought they were candy!

11. I invented the whole “…can’t…ear you…eaking up…’lo? There? Bad area…ignal…out…ater” thing that you use when you don’t really want to continue your cell phone conversation. Ou’re lcome.

12. I once went a year without speaking to better appreciate the sound of a whisper.


14. I try very hard to conceal my New Zealand accent.

15. I had to resign my position as local VP of the South Side Crips due to budget cuts.

16. All the hair on my body has been transplanted.

17. Moustaches make me nervous.

18. I put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp but did not put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

19. I did, however, shoot the sherrif. AND the deputy. They got it wrong in the song.

20. After my arrest in 1992, I swore to never, ever, ever drink again.

21. You know that prickly sensation on the back of your neck where your hairs stand up on end? That’s me.

22. Boy, do I love peanut butter!

23. Deep down in my heart, I know that Bill O’Reilly has got it right.

24. I invented the “capthca.” You’re welcome.

25. There’s nothing I like better in the whole wide world than a night of line-dancing followed by WWE Raw! WOO-HooooOOOOO!!

4 thoughts on “25 Untrue Things About Me

  1. True story…I had a craving the other night for a DQ Blizzard. So there I was at 9pm devouring the new Nutter Butter Blizzard. My first thought was “wow, this is really, really good!”. My second thought was “I still can’t believe Turner doesn’t like peanut butter!”. Honest to God.


  2. All I could think anout while reading this:

    Some say, that he once I ran to Seattle. Just ’cause. And that he’s been known to weep uncontrollably at the sight of a mullet…

    All we know is, he’s called The Watson.


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