Tag pirates

Pirate Trouble

Turner L. Watson 9 Comments

You guys are in for a treat. For this entry, I’m handing off the blog to a very special guest author who happens to be my 10-year-old son, Simon. His writing is exemplary. It’s…real. It’s natural. It’s conversational. Did I mention he’s ten? Yeah, I know I’m a beaming, proud father, but don’t take my word for it: Simon received an A+ for this story. AN A+!! I limped across the finish line with a “C” in my collegiate creative writing class, so maybe it’s a bigger deal to me than it should be. No matter. That’s my kid. He’s got talent.

Without further ado, please enjoy “Pirate Trouble” by Simon Watson

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Original cover art by Simon Watson (marker on construction paper)

Boom! Splash! A cannonball shot at the ship I was being held captive on. Thankfully, it missed. This is that story.

I wake up sweating in my bed. I hear footsteps.I look at my clock. It is one in the morning. I look at the top bunk.

Kara, my sister, is there in a deep, deep slumber. I walk out to see what made the steps. I step into the living room only to see two bodies laying there. I look closer to see who they are.

Mom and dad. Both with deep cuts on their foreheads.

I ran back to my room and shook Kara so hard she almost fell out of her bed. She woke up both yawning and stretching.

“Hey!” She yelled. I answered with “Shhhh! Mom and dad are…”

“Mom and dad are what?”

“Dead.”

She looked at me with a “I think you’re lying” look.

“Come with me,” I said.

We stepped into the living room, and she gasped. She burst out crying. Tears running down her cheeks like rivers. She put her face into my chest and started sobbing even more.

All of a sudden, a voice came from the front door.

“I’ve got you now! The name’s Blackbeard and you kiddies are comin’ with me!”

Fear was frozen on Kara’s face. Suddenly he grabbed both of us by the arm.

“Ow!” I said. Blackbeard had a strong grip. “Let go!” I said, then kicked him right in the stomach. He stumbled back. And just when I thought things were going good, he tightened his grip on me, let Kara go, swung his fist, and knocked me out.

He must have done the same thing to Kara (I woke up to her yelling and screaming for help.)I had a burlap sack over my head. My hands tied behind my back with rope. Through the tiny holes in the sack I could see Kara. She was tied up the same way I was.Burlap sack on the head, hands tied behind the back with rope.

I looked out the holes again. The sun was out. Had I really been out for that long? Then someone came over an ripped the sack off my head. The sun burned my eyes. I closed them and put them into my legs. Then the same person untied my hands. I put my hands over my eyes. I could finally squint. After about a minute I could open my eyes fully.

I looked up and saw Kara. She was already standing up.

She walked over to me and gave me a big big BIG BIG hug.

“Lets. Jump.” She said under her breath.

“What?!” I said in a medium voice. “Okay, fine.”

“Ready? On three. One. Two. Three. GO!”

We ran and ran but then…we were lifted into the air.

“What the..?” We looked back.

Of course it was Blackbeard, holding us up by the backs of our shirts.

All of a sudden, someone yelled “NAVAL SHIP! RAM THEM!”

The ship jerked to the right. I fell to the ground. The naval ship must have seen us, because they started firing.

Boom! Splash! A cannonball shot at the ship I was held captive on. Thankfully, it missed. A couple of inches lower and my head would have been ripped off.

The next two missed, and the next one hit. And that’s when I said “JUMP!”

We ran and jumped off the side. We decided to get out of the way of the cross-fire so we didn’t get hit. We swam to the front of the naval ship and they dropped down a ladder. We climbed up and the ship sailed away from the pirates.

They dropped us off at an orphanage. A month alter we were surprised when someone came and got us. We now had parents They had a dog and a cat. It’s going out well.

Here Simon’s teacher makes the following note: “I’d end the story here”. Like he’s some sort of stinkin’ editor. THIS IS MY BOY’S ART! HOW DARE YOU! HOW…sorry. Maybe the teacher is right. Nevertheless, here’s the epilogue…

And then I joined the army. My arm was blown off by a grenade. Luckily, I knew someone. A surgical doctor. Dr. Kara. She fixed me up, and later I got married and had two children. One boy and one girl. Josh and Lilly. From there on I had a good life.

Entirely Possible!

Turner L. Watson 9 Comments

Greetings! It’s been a while since I assembled a collection of randomity for you.  I am so, so sorry.  Allow me to correct this oversight.  I shall do so by category!  This should streamline your pleasurable blog-reading experience!

ENTIRELY POSSIBLE

There are more undiscovered species living in the oceans of Earth than there are known species of living creatures on the land.  One of them is probably Cthulhu.

Nicolas Cage is  a time-traveller.  His movies begun to suck at the exact moment that his original timeline intersected with our own.  In that timestream, he ceased to exist.  In this one, he can’t come to terms with the demise of his parallel alternate self.  The result is shitty movies.  Basic science, really.

He was much less confused back in the 1800’s.

Spock once said “there are always possibilities.”  What he didn’t tell you is that many of those possibilities are horrible and will likely kill you or ruin your life with a bunch of kids you don’t want via some stripper from Daytona Beach.

There was once a thriving civilization on Mars.  But they were all douchefags and deserved to die.

Someone actually made this. Also? Someone really doesn’t like Dan.

Twice an hour (three times an hour in Kendallville, Indiana) a redneck attempts to get high using old coffee grounds mixed with kerosene and huffed out of an old condom.

Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’.

NOT BLOODY LIKELY

Cats once endorsed a brand of cutting shears with the slogan “Fiskars are Great For Wiskers!”

You KNOW that Grumpy Cat is behind this.

Famous pirate “Black” Sam Bellamy was one of the first people to come up with a marketing slogan.  He was attempting to increase the sales (and theft, I suppose) of rum in the Caribbean.  His nifty catch phrase was painted in huge letters on the mainsail of his flagship.  From miles around, you could read the words “RUM IS FUM!!”  When a crewmember pointed out that there was no such word as “fum” in the English language, Bellamy incorrectly replied “It’s Polish, you twit!” and lopped off the head of the offending crewman.  Later that month, the logo on the sail was changed to “RUM IS YUM!” and sales of the cane-derived spirit skyrocketed.  Since that iconic advertising campaign, rum has been closely associated with piracy.  And interesting footnote is the episode of Spongebob Squarepants wherein Patrick Star devises an ad slogan for The Chum Bucket.  “Chum is Fum!” resonated with the citizens of Bikini Bottom in a way that would have made Black Sam smile.

It turns out you CAN stop the bum rush.  The rock, however, is unstoppable.  This fact has been proven by the Copenhagen Interpretation.

QUESTIONABLE

Justin Bieber was created in the same lab as Theory of a Deadman. Apparently, when scientists decided to split Nickelback in the Large Hadron Collider, two splinter products emerged as a result of Nickleback’s diamond-like cleavage and also their overpowering awesomeness and pussy-getting abilities. One such offshoot was TOAD itself, basically a small sliver of Nickelback that exhibited many of the same qualities.  The other unexpected by-product was Bieber. One possible explanation for this remarkable occurrence was that Canada somehow hates the rest of the free world, and this experiment was an attempt to re-create the amazing Shania Twain-Celine Dion space-time cross-rip of years past. (An interesting point:  it is widely believed that the white rapper known as Snow was a precursor to this same experiment, and may in fact be a shard of Celine Dion-like substance caught in the atomic matrix of Canada itself.)

Eazy-E, however, was created when the universe decided to un-fuck itself in the most righteous manner possible.

Mitt Romney’s entire presidential election bid stemmed from a bet he made with John McCain to “cock it up better than you did, pal!”  Romney is said to have winked and given McCain a friendly shoulder slap.

Syndicated radio personality Mancow Muller once possessed a fair amount of talent.  According to some witnesses, back in the mid-90’s he was not considered “a worthless hack who passes of his show-prep service as actual original content.”

I should’ve just titled this blog “Mancow is a douchey doucheface douchebag of douche that wears sunglasses inside. Douche.”

A Nokia cell phone was retrieved from the bottom of the North Sea after being dropped by a fleeing worker (he luckily escaped with only minor burns)during a horrible oil rig explosion.  The phone was found to have light scratches on the glass display.