Greetings! It’s been a while since I assembled a collection of randomity for you. I am so, so sorry. Allow me to correct this oversight. I shall do so by category! This should streamline your pleasurable blog-reading experience!
ENTIRELY POSSIBLE
There are more undiscovered species living in the oceans of Earth than there are known species of living creatures on the land. One of them is probably Cthulhu.
Nicolas Cage is a time-traveller. His movies begun to suck at the exact moment that his original timeline intersected with our own. In that timestream, he ceased to exist. In this one, he can’t come to terms with the demise of his parallel alternate self. The result is shitty movies. Basic science, really.
He was much less confused back in the 1800’s.
Spock once said “there are always possibilities.” What he didn’t tell you is that many of those possibilities are horrible and will likely kill you or ruin your life with a bunch of kids you don’t want via some stripper from Daytona Beach.
There was once a thriving civilization on Mars. But they were all douchefags and deserved to die.
Someone actually made this. Also? Someone really doesn’t like Dan.
Twice an hour (three times an hour in Kendallville, Indiana) a redneck attempts to get high using old coffee grounds mixed with kerosene and huffed out of an old condom.
Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’.
NOT BLOODY LIKELY
Cats once endorsed a brand of cutting shears with the slogan “Fiskars are Great For Wiskers!”
You KNOW that Grumpy Cat is behind this.
Famous pirate “Black” Sam Bellamy was one of the first people to come up with a marketing slogan. He was attempting to increase the sales (and theft, I suppose) of rum in the Caribbean. His nifty catch phrase was painted in huge letters on the mainsail of his flagship. From miles around, you could read the words “RUM IS FUM!!” When a crewmember pointed out that there was no such word as “fum” in the English language, Bellamy incorrectly replied “It’s Polish, you twit!” and lopped off the head of the offending crewman. Later that month, the logo on the sail was changed to “RUM IS YUM!” and sales of the cane-derived spirit skyrocketed. Since that iconic advertising campaign, rum has been closely associated with piracy. And interesting footnote is the episode of Spongebob Squarepants wherein Patrick Star devises an ad slogan for The Chum Bucket. “Chum is Fum!” resonated with the citizens of Bikini Bottom in a way that would have made Black Sam smile.
It turns out you CAN stop the bum rush. The rock, however, is unstoppable. This fact has been proven by the Copenhagen Interpretation.
QUESTIONABLE
Justin Bieber was created in the same lab as Theory of a Deadman. Apparently, when scientists decided to split Nickelback in the Large Hadron Collider, two splinter products emerged as a result of Nickleback’s diamond-like cleavage and also their overpowering awesomeness and pussy-getting abilities. One such offshoot was TOAD itself, basically a small sliver of Nickelback that exhibited many of the same qualities. The other unexpected by-product was Bieber. One possible explanation for this remarkable occurrence was that Canada somehow hates the rest of the free world, and this experiment was an attempt to re-create the amazing Shania Twain-Celine Dion space-time cross-rip of years past. (An interesting point: it is widely believed that the white rapper known as Snow was a precursor to this same experiment, and may in fact be a shard of Celine Dion-like substance caught in the atomic matrix of Canada itself.)
Eazy-E, however, was created when the universe decided to un-fuck itself in the most righteous manner possible.
Mitt Romney’s entire presidential election bid stemmed from a bet he made with John McCain to “cock it up better than you did, pal!” Romney is said to have winked and given McCain a friendly shoulder slap.
Syndicated radio personality Mancow Muller once possessed a fair amount of talent. According to some witnesses, back in the mid-90’s he was not considered “a worthless hack who passes of his show-prep service as actual original content.”
I should’ve just titled this blog “Mancow is a douchey doucheface douchebag of douche that wears sunglasses inside. Douche.”
A Nokia cell phone was retrieved from the bottom of the North Sea after being dropped by a fleeing worker (he luckily escaped with only minor burns)during a horrible oil rig explosion. The phone was found to have light scratches on the glass display.
Turner Watson 