The Unified Space Epic Theory

What if, true believers, what if?  What if instead of the lackluster Alien sequels that we were saddled with (beginning with Alien3) we got a more Starship Troopers-style invasion pic? Just imagine a full-on war, here on Earth: Colonial Marines in grand, pitched, shoot-em-up battles with hordes of xenomophs. It would’ve been quite a spectacle, and would’ve looked sickeningly gorgeous in CG. Those big piles of zombies in World War Z? Imagine thousands of leaping, skittering aliens; tails thrashing, secondary mandibles biting, and now and then one gets blown to bits and soldiers get showered with acid. The utter chaos of it all, the thrill, the terror, the underlying message about the futility of war…it could’ve been great. Would humanity survive? Or would the alien menace simply overwhelm the stalwart armies of mankind? A pity that we’ll never get to see how such a dramatic and potentially tragic conclusion would’ve played out.

 

Unless we already have.

 

What if the post-alien fate of humanity has already been told via two different sci-fi television series and a classic film? I will now present to you a tale which I believe to be a completely plausible multi-level saga. Follow along. Be patient, because this shit gets good. Good and deep, just like shit gets sometimes. Yeah. Okay. I didn’t need to actually type that. Okay. Good. Moving on.

 

Our story begins on Earth. Either Ellen Ripley or another one of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation drones manages to deliver a few viable xenomorphs to our fair planet. And as they do, the damned things get loose. They run amok and cause a great deal of trouble for the humans that are still here on this rock.

Like, SERIOUS trouble.

Like, SERIOUS trouble.

 

Still here?” Did you read that correctly? Yes. Yes, you did. This brings us to our first Easter egg. You may have heard the fan theory about how the Weyland-Yutani corporation (the Alien franchise) exists in the same world as the Tyrell Corporation (Blade Runner.) Most of it is simply fanboy conjecture, but then Ridley Scott chimes in and basically confirms in an interview that the heads of those two mega-companies did indeed know one another. Interesting.

 

Okay, sorry. Focus. In Blade Runner, most people with the means to do so have gone “off world.” Those that remain on our spent husk of a planet deal with smog, pollution, constant drizzle and greyscale everything. Now, notice we never see much of Earth in any of the Alien movies? Ripley lives in what might be tenement housing, or even a block of company-made dormitories. Maybe the world outside is the same bleak cityscape whose streets guys like Deckard patrol. Of course, we humans aren’t the only sentient beings that inhabit future-Earth. There are the skin-jobs. Replicants made by the Tyrell Corporation, and equally-lifelike synthetics produced by Weyland-Yutani.

 

Still with me? Okay.

 

So, the aliens go nuts and are on the verge of wiping out what’s left of humanity, or at least the shreds still clinging to our turd of a planet. So the rest of the humans take off. Get out of Dodge. Split. And who do they leave behind?

 

The robots. Replicants. Artificial persons.

I don't...oh, jesus.  Did I miss the last shuttle off-world?  Fuck.

I don’t…oh, jesus. Did I miss the last shuttle off-world? Fuck.

 

Those thinking machines of various mechanical and genetically engineered construction stave off the aliens until the rest of us can get off-world. Just maybe everyone is getting off-world because of the alien invasion. Whatever the case, the plan is to let the aliens run out of human hosts and die, so that mankind can return and resume our civilization. (Think WALL-E only much darker.) Only it doesn’t work out that way. The bio-mechanical xenomorphs, as we’ve seen in the sequels, can adapt to whatever host organisms are present in any given environment. Perhaps even bio-engineered skin-jobs. Eventually, the aliens are just too numerous. The replicants are faced with one final option: take off and nuke the site from orbit. And by “site” I mean THE WHOLE DAMNED PLANET.

 

I’d imagine it would come down to some sort of group decision, maybe a cadre of inner-circle synthetics who finally made the call. And what if one of them was modeled after the son of corporation founder and head genius Eldon Tyrell? Maybe he has a similar name. And maybe over the centuries that followed mankind’s exodus, the spelling of the last name changed (much like Shawn, Sean, or Shaun. Emory and Emery. The various Mac and Mc spellings of Scots and Irish surnames.)

 

Yes, Eldon Tyrell’s legacy is Galen Tyrol. One of The Five. The Five sentient mechanical beings who at one point were more human than human, even capable of sexual reproduction. The Five that nuked our planet in order to finally destroy the alien menace.

But you've gotta admit: kick-ass shirt, you gods-damned toaster!

But you’ve gotta admit: kick-ass shirt, you gods-damned toaster!

 

And what of humanity? Of course, most ended up living on Kobol or Caprica. But another group, the REAL “lost tribe” found their way to another system (or systems.) There, as on Earth, the monolithic corporations seized power. There, like on Earth, the rich were able to live life flush with the latest technology. Others, not so much.

 

In fact, some folks keep using the old tech of Earth That Was. For example, this anti-aircraft gun…made by the Weyland-Yutani Corporation.

See that logo?  Top center? Keep in mind, this is Mal Reynolds' gun from the battle of Serenity Valley.

See that logo? Top center? Keep in mind, this is Mal Reynolds’ gun from the battle of Serenity Valley.

 

All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

 

ADDITIONAL EVIDENCE:

 

There’s a very Asian feel to Deckard’s Blade Runner city. Much like the preponderance of Chinese influence in the world of Firefly. And when Anders becomes the “hybrid” in BSG, the walls show cascading symbols that seem to be either Chinese or Japanese in nature. And maybe Kara Thrace isn’t painting the Eye of Jupiter in this piece…

Sidebar: she is NEVER getting her deposit back.

Sidebar: she is NEVER getting her deposit back.

…but rather this…

 

 

That's Chinese for FRAKKIN' TOASTERS!!

That’s Chinese for FRAKKIN’ TOASTERS!!

 

 

Kara Thrace.  No power in the ‘Verse can stop her. And finally…FINALLY…while there are several toy spaceships that make an appearance during a shadow-puppet theater show in the Firefly episode “Heart of Gold” (like, is that the Enterprise at the top?) the circled ship could be a Colonial Viper, yes?

Also pictured: at least one of your mom's dildos.  ZING!

Also pictured: at least one of your mom’s dildos. ZING!

 

 

Okay, maybe a stretch. However, in the original Battlestar Galactica re-imagined mini-series, the following ship does a fly-by outside the doctor’s window there in Caprica City. Huh. Wouldja look at that?

 

 

Or, again...one of your mom's dildos.

Or, again…one of your mom’s dildos.

 

IN CONCLUSION:

 

There will be folks that pick this apart and do some sort of timeline reckoning and poke numerous holes in my theory. Fine. It’s just silly fan stuff, and that’s one of the wonderful things about the sci-fi community; the endless debates and comparisons. Bottom line: it’s all good. Literally. There are some wonderful stories and grand mythology out there. Dig in and enjoy ‘em all. And expand upon them! This sort of conversation could go on forever! Was the Predator that came to earth in the near-future Los Angeles here to hunt Aliens? Were they already present? Perhaps they actually began life here on Earth! Bio-engineered by Weyland-Yutani and shipped off-world to incubate on another planet, another system, far enough away to pose no danger to mankind.

Pictured: deleted scene from Alien VS Predator

Pictured: deleted scene from Alien VS Predator

Was the rainy, grey nature of our planet in Blade Runner the result of some last-ditch effort to terraform our own homeworld after it was ruined by pollution and greenhouse emissions? Is that why it looks so much like Acheron/LV426? Constant drizzle and gloom? In an alternate timeline, did a synthetic (sorry, artificial person) begin Star Fleet, because Commander Data? Is Earth an offshoot (lost colony) from some race in Star Wars? And did THESE GUYS…

Very good.  Now turn to your right.

Very good. Now turn to your right.

Inspire THIS GUY?!?!

HOORAY, TOASTERS!

HOORAY, TOASTERS!

This has all happened before, this will all happen again. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

 

 

My head hurts. G’night, all.

 

 

 

 

 

Star Wars Gets You Pregnant

You know how they say that all geeks really think about is sex?  That’s partially true.  But the way we think about sex is often decidedly non-standard.  We even have our thoughts drift to the theoretical nature of it all;  sex, life, the universe itself, and, well…Star Wars. It’s just what we do. I’m not sure where this particular thought came from or why, and I’m surely not the ONLY person who’s ever noticed this, but what follows is my attempt to collect some evidence to support the finer points of this particular theory in greater detail.  Okay.  Deep breath.  Ready?

The Death Star destruction scene in the original Star Wars: A New Hope is really a depiction of baby-makin’.  Fertilization.  Yep.

Let’s begin with the “briefing” scene.  A bunch of dudes sitting and getting a lecture about the exhaust port, which leads to the belly of the beast.  You hit this thing right and she’ll LITERALLY explode.  Uh-huh.  Tell me this isn’t similar to every sex-ed class you ever had, amirite, bros?

And here, gentlemen, is what we call "the clitoris."

And here, gentlemen, is what we call “the clitoris.”

And let’s talk about those “penetrating” snub fighters.  I mean,  there’s the obvious chromosomal suggestion:  Seriously, it ain’t even subtle.  A swarm of tiny fighters are attacking this big orb, trying desperately to penetrate its defenses.  Oh, and those tiny fighters (many of whom will dash themselves against the impenetrable shell) are X-wing and Y-wing fighters.  Yeah.  Like this…

COMIN' AT YA!!

COMIN’ AT YA!!

And also this…

COMIN' AT YA!!

COMIN’ AT YA!!

And then there are the other rather obvious references, such as…ahem…

This is LITERALLY just the tip.

This is LITERALLY just the tip.

Or the plight of poor Porkins.  See, he couldn’t pull out (up) in time, and…yeah.

Even worse?  They came from behind.

Even worse? They came from behind.

And then, when Luke finally delivers his explosive payload down the chute (I feel so terribly filthy writing this) this is the result…

GAH!! GODDAM NUVARING FAILED!!

GAH!! GODDAM NUVARING FAILED!!

Fireworks. That’s what they used to use as a metaphor in old movies and television.  Fireworks!  Also?  You could say that there’s a “Big O” in the sky there.  Whew!  An exciting CLIMAX to this movie, yes?  All those little guys swarming in a long trench and OH MY GOD WHY DID I START WRITING THIS?!?!  Also?  Darth Vader’s helmet.  STOP ME, SOMEONE!!  And the lightsabers.  Ever seen a male dog get frisky?  See, it’s like this little lipstick, and what happens is…NO!!  I REFUSE!!   Princess LAY-ya.  And on and on.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not the pervert here.  Lucas  George M. F. Lucas.  He’s the motherfucker.  And think how dirty this movie would’ve been if he’d had access to the CGI.  Thank the maker!

The Argument

Captain’s Log Supplemental:

With the long lay-in time required to exchange our ship’s carbon filters and take on new raw materials for the synthesizers, many of the crew and officers took a much-needed break.  While short of an authorized “shore leave” entertainment options were available to most decks in the form of stage shows, concerts…and in some cases archaic “classic films” were available in-cabin and in selected group media centers.  I was pleased with the effect on morale, and was tickled to witness the following exchange between First Officer Spock and Chief Medical Officer McCoy at the conclusion of the classic “Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.”  I knew that it was one of Bones’ sentimental favorites and was curious to see how this…debate…played out.

SPOCK: Doctor, I was merely suggesting–

McCOY: Jim!  Thank God!  Would you kindly explain to this pig-headed, high-browed critic that “Jedi” was the high-water mark for this film series?
ME: I assume Spock is countering that “Empire” was superior, yes?

McCOY: But of course!  ‘Cause that’s what all highfalutin’ high-brow critics do!  Belittle the happy ending in favor of the dark interlude episode, because it can’t be good AND happy, now can it?

SPOCK: Doctor, you misinterpret my conclusions. In fact, I believe that if you look at the data, one of the more positive examples of foreshadowing this “happy ending” of which you speak, takes place right in the middle of “The Empire Strikes Back.”  I would argue that the resolution of the series is a foregone conclusion after that apex.

McCOY: See?!?  He’s even using that damned critic language!  Spell it out for me, Spock, for I am a lowly country doctor and uneducated on the grand cinematic traditions like you apparently are.

SPOCK: Flattery, good doctor, will get you nowhere.

ME: Okay, now I’m curious.  To what moment are you referring, Spock?

SPOCK: The vision which presents itself to young Master Skywalker while training on Dagobah.

McCOY: You mean where he sees Vader?  That’s the high point?  Jim, I’m taking him to sick bay.  Obviously he has Rigellian fever.

SPOCK: I assure you that my faculties are intact.

ME: I know the scene.  Luke goes into the cave and sees a vision of Darth Vader.  They battle, and Vader is decapitated.

McCOY: Yes, and then the facemask is blown off and we see Luke’s face underneath!  How, pray tell, is that supposed to be a positive, Spock?

SPOCK: Because, Dr. McCoy, it presents a hopeful vision of the fate that is to befall Anakin Skywalker.

ME: I don’t follow.  You’re saying that it’s…a good thing that Luke is going to kill Vader?  Seems a little harsh.

McCOY: Or is the big happy moment the one where Luke realizes he’s on a path to darkness?  Is that what the critic in you is clamoring for?

SPOCK: On the contrary.  I must admit to having only the faintest understanding of the human emotional spectrum, but I am considerably confused as to why one would assume that this vision is a negative.

McCOY: Because, you heartless maniac!  Darth Vader is Luke’s father and he sees what he’s about to become!

SPOCK: Nonsense.  At this point in the narrative, Luke has no idea that Vader is his father.

ME: Go on.

SPOCK: Luke sees Darth Vader in his vision and immediately adopts an aggressive stance.

McCOY: Because that’s what you DO when confronting a Sith Lord!

SPOCK: Place yourself in young Luke’s position.  Training in Yoda’s “back yard.”  When suddenly, the second-in-command of the Empire itself is before you, almost as if invited.  Vader’s saber not yet deployed.  While Luke is emotional and rash, it’s not unlikely that he would act first.  However, Vader offers only token resistance.

McCOY: It’s a vision, you stubborn ass!  It’s not real!

SPOCK: And yet you believe it prophetic.

McCOY: Because it is!

SPOCK: And I concur, doctor.  But your interpretation of the forecast events is illogical.

ME: Explain.  I want to hear this.

SPOCK: It is human nature to assume the worst.  I propose that given the available data, that is: Vader’s reluctance to engage, the ease with which he is dispatched, and the fact that Luke has acted in a foolhardy but not remotely evil or even angry manner means something entirely different.

McCOY: Spit it out, already.

SPOCK: Gentlemen, the vision is provided to show Luke that there is, in fact, a good person inside of Darth Vader.  In fact, it is a subtle clue as to Luke’s parentage as well.  Vader looks like Luke because they are of the same genetic code.  The “unmasking” also parallels the scene in Dr. McCoy’s beloved “Return of the Jedi” where Vader does, in fact, unmask himself to look upon his son.

ME: Interesting.  So the whole vision was to show Luke that he could save his father, Lord Vader, instead of killing him?

SPOCK: Precisely, although Luke was, at the time, unaware of his father’s identity.

McCOY: Well, you WOULD think that way!  It doesn’t…I still don’t like it.  Jim, tell him he’s off his rocker.

ME: Sorry, bones.  I’m not sure that’s what the filmmakers had in mind, but…it’s a pretty good theory.

McCOY: But Yoda warns Luke that it’s a place of evil!

SPOCK: In an otherwise unspoiled planet rich with innocent life forms and, as far as can be observed, only two sentient beings and one droid.

McCOY: But evil is still evil, damn it!

SPOCK: Consider that Yoda warns that Luke will find “only what he takes with him” and advises that weapons will not be necessary.

McCOY: Fantastic.  A word of warning: I will NOT be watching “The Usual Suspects” with either of you!

With that, Doctor McCoy took his leave of us.  I turned to Spock.

ME: So you really believe that theory?

SPOCK: Absolutely, Captain.

ME: And you wouldn’t have mentioned it just to mess with Bones? You know he’s going to mull this over for some time.

SPOCK: Food for thought, Jim.  It is wise to consider all perspectives.

ME: Yes, but it is unwise to upset the man who’s going to administer our vaccines before we beam down to Tyson-4.

SPOCK: Understood, Captain.

I love this shit. I really do.

The Trek Wars

Well, here we go, gang. Recently there’s been a bit of a feud between the Star Wars and Star Trek camps. There’s always been a bit of good-natured rivalry here, but with William Shatner and Carrie Fisher going after each other in YouTube videos and such, well…it’s getting kind of ugly. It took the amazing George Takei’s call to solidarity against the Twilight franchise to cool things down. Yep, good ol’ George is like the Gandhi of Sci-Fi. (Only with a better diet, natch.)

The two sides will never see eye-to-eye. It’s natural: Marvel and DC people or Sean Connery and Roger Moore fans have passionate opinions on their favorites, and I won’t even get into how much better Crystal Skull was than Temple of Doom. (Oh, yes. I went there.) But these sort of passions run all the hotter when you’re talking about the two greatest franchises in Sci-Fi history.

Why did this movie suck? Two guesses...

And make no mistake: that’s exactly what we’re dealing with here. TRON, Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Farscape…none of them come close to not only the sheer amount of source material, but the number of hard-core fanboys and girls that literally worship at the altars of Roddenberry and Lucas. It’s almost scary. Think about how uncomfortable everyone would be if this same amount of reverence and fanaticism were present in SAW fans and Juggalos. Holy shit, I just started shaking just thinking about it. We’re lucky, people. We’re really lucky that the “Gathering of the Juggalos” is just a once-a-year camp-out concert in rural Illinois. Can you imagine “Jug-Con Sacramento?” George R.R. Martin, Felicia Day, and Wil Wheaton all showing up to chug Faygo and parade around in Jnco Jeans? Ffffffuuuu…

"Hey, everybody! Welcome to the panel on Magnets!"

So, yeah. Star Wars and Star Trek. The big boys. Title fight. And this rumble needs some handicapping to establish a clear winner. I’m going to go ahead and say that no matter which camp you belong to, I don’t think there’s a doubt in anyone’s mind that Star Wars is the clear-cut monetary champion. Hands-down. It’s not even close. Ever see a kid running around the house with his Captain Janeway action figure? No. No, you haven’t. Not that Trek is without merchandising potential…hell, there’ve been at least a couple of high-quality pornographic parodies. Prolly because there’s more sex in Trek. More on that later. Right now, we’re going to call Round One, otherwise known as The Money Round, to Star Wars. Ding!

Whoa, whoa, WHOA!!! Mark Ecko doesn't know the DIFFERENCE?!?!

Round two is all about cultural impact, and it’s also a doozy. In fact, the judges (which is me. I am the judges. All of ’em.) are calling this one a lot closer. It’s a helluva fight just based on catch-phrases alone. Use the force! Beam me up! I’ve got a bad feeling about this! Set phasers to “stun!” A galaxy far, far away…where no man has gone before! Live long and prosper! Punch it, Chewie! That’s no moon… Dammit, Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a magician!  It’s a TRAP! But again, Star Wars gets the edge. It’s a slight one, but it’s there. Know anyone with a Star Wars-themed tattoo? Sure you do. Even non-geeks get the Imperial or Rebellion logos…some get Yoda, lightsabers, Chewie, the Death Star, perhaps a Stormtrooper helmet. Hard-core types will get that made-up Jedi language or a Darth Maul backpiece. Now, do you know anyone with a Star Fleet tattoo? No? Scotty? Maybe a portrait of Kirk & Spock from the original series? Still no? Hmm. Okay, how about this test: using only your mouth, make a lightsaber noise. Now do a TIE fighter. Good. Try Chewie’s guttural growl followed by R2’s beeps and whistles. Outstanding. Now imitate a phaser set to “kill.” Go ahead. Any time now. We’re waiting. Okay, how about a photon torpedo? Easy! Do it, please. Now. Go. Not so easy, is it? No, it isn’t. Not because the bridge of the Enterprise doesn’t have a familiar thrum, or that the transporter beam isn’t immediately recognizable…it’s just that those things haven’t ever saturated the public consciousness. They haven’t been embraced wholeheartedly and re-sampled to the point of insertion into literally every other media. Sure, Spock’s “Fascinating” and “pure energy” made it into that one dance song…but beyond that, well…yeah. Ding.

This...this wasn't really a thing, was it?

So far, it looks like this fight is all Star Wars! But wait…what about the important stuff, like characters, story, and plot? Ah, NOW we’ve got a fight on our hands. Quick, who’s your favorite Jedi? It’s not Luke. Sure as hell ain’t Qui-Gonn. Mace Windu? Maybe. Okay, non-Jedi characters. Han. Boba Fett. Lando. Chewie. Vader. And, uh…Jimmy Smits? Some CG Gungan? Okay, look at the Star Trek crews(s)…Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekhov, Sulu, Uhura…Picard, Riker, Geordie, Data, Wesley, Worf, Troi…Captain Sisko…Nurse Chapel…Q…Jesus, what about the Voyager crew? The one with the holographic doctor? Dang. The point is, the Star Trek universe is just filled by more and better characters. Sure, Lucas only really made six (three) films and used those to build all the print and cartoon spin-offs. Meanwhile, there have been several Trek television series and a slew of movies. But the cool thing about Trek is how distinctly different and realistic the characters all are. In Star Wars, once you get past Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie…it thins wayyyy the fuck out. The droids are cool, Yoda is cute…but as kids, nobody wanted to be Grand Moff Tarkin or Admiral Ackbar. The majority of the secondary roles were bland and unexciting. It’s almost like Lucas would rather just insert some computer-generated place holders instead of actors! Oh. Oh, yeah…round three to Star Trek. Ding!

No, Cthulhu...THIS is the "Thing That Should Not Be."

Spoiler alert: this round is going to Star Trek.  Because it’s all about sex. Yep. Star Wars does have one ace up its sleeve.  Ever heard of the “Slave Leia” costume?  You GOD DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE! It’s almost to the point of being over-exposed (pun intended.)  You can see this outfit at every. Convention. Ever.  And I mean you can see girls dressed as Slave Leia at the Progressive Insurance convention.  (Bad news?  It’s that Flo chick. But still…) Wil Wheaton went on record at Comic Con San Diego last year as saying  “Damn!  Slave Leia is sexy!” Okay, I made that quote up.  I just wanted to impress the Redditors and Big Bang Theory fans (LOVE you guys!)

...no. Please. No.

But beyond that one outfit from one small chunk of one movie, what does Star Wars offer us?  That time when Padme got her shirt ripped and we could see her taut, smooth midriff?  Not bad.  And then there was the time, that, uh…well, remember when…um…that one chick…oh.  Oh, yeah.  That’s about it.  Meanwhile, in the ‘Trek ‘verse they had AN ENTIRE RACE OF ALIEN WOMEN BRED AS SEX SLAVES.  You GOD DAMN RIGHT THEY DID!  Oh, and in the sexually-enlightened 60’s when the show first aired, it not only featured somewhat sexist mini-skirt and go-go boot uniforms for the female crew members, there was also the first-ever inter-racial kiss shown on primetime.  Star Trek cared less than the ol’ honey badger!  They just wanted to tell good stories!  And hot chicks? How about that smoking communications officer, Uhura?  Or the saucy Yeoman Rand, who was totally crushing on Kirk?  Or nurse Chapel?  Later on you had sexy redhead Dr. Beverly Crusher, sexy security officer Tasha Yar, and sort-of sexy medium or whatever Deanna Troi?  How about when Kirstie Alley was still sexy as Lt. Saavik in “Wrath of Khan?”  Seven of muhfuh NINE! Yes, sex was going on EVERYWHERE!  Picard and Crusher!  Data and Yar!  Riker and Troi!  Troi and Worf! Troi and the  Univeristy of North Dakota Fighting Sioux!  Kirk and every female from here to the Neutral Zone!  And yet, there’s this simple fact regarding sex in the Star Wars universe: the only couple we KNOW hooked up was Anakin and Padme.  Sure, we like to think that Han and Leia got busy…but we don’t know.  Lando should have been the pimp of the galaxy, but we never see him do more than kiss the hand of a Princess.  Yawn.  Ding!

It's the laurels. Bitches love laurels.

Finally, let’s looks at the philosophy of both these franchises.  Despite all the similarities, e.g. faster-than-light travel, beam weapons, alien species hanging with humans, AI companions, and exotic planets/landscapes, there is a bit of a gulf between the two philosophically.  Trek has always prided itself (sometimes TOO much) on how much of the show was based on “plausible science.” At least they try to give some sort of basis for the technology.  For example, the Warp Drive apparently runs on some sort of anti-matter channeled by dilithium crystals and whatnot.  Okay. In Star Wars, the hyperdrive make ships jump to light speed.  No further explanation needed. (We assume it has something to do with midichlorians.) In Star Trek, transporters break down the individual at a sub-atomic level and then re-assemble the parts at another location.  In Star Wars, well…they just fly everywhere.  It’s like Trek is New York with excellent mass transit systems, and Star Wars is L.A. where everyone takes their own car. And I think that’s the bottom line.  Each of these multi-media sci-fi empires is excellent.  They’re just different. Star Trek is science, Star Wars is magic.  One is Battlefield 3 and one is Modern Warfare 3.  College football or the NFL.  Coors Light and Miller Light.  Spring training or the World Series. Different, but good.  Both look with wonder and hope at the vastness of space and see possibilities instead of fear.  Both promote logic and sense over reckless violence and hate.  And they both have that cool hyperspace/warp thing that makes the stars look like you’re driving down the highway at night in a snowstorm (you KNOW you imagine that shit!  Don’t lie to me!)  So this round is a draw. Ding.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! This is a rear-wheel hyperdrive!!

So, judges?  Wow.  Tougher than I thought.  The score sheet is tied.  But we need a winner, ’cause that’s what ‘Merica LOVES!  And I have to pick Star Wars as “The Greatest Science Fiction Canon and Works in All of Recorded History.”  I do so because of the sheer amount of people that have bought into it.  I do so because my kids and I can sit and watch “Empire Strikes Back” and enjoy it together.  I do so because as cool as phasers are, I have ALWAYS wanted a real, working lightsaber.  And so have you.  Now, my dissenting opinion is this:  Star Trek is the better written, acted, and thought-out series.  In this fight, better is not necessarily greater.  A large pizza at D’Agostino’s in Chicago is great!  A grilled chicken flatbread wrap is better for you.  So.  Trek is better for your mind.  Star Wars just tastes a little better, even though it will slowly kill you. (Actually, that’s just George Lucas killing your childhood with CGFX.)  In a perfect world, you’d combine the two, but that would be overkill.  It would ruin everything.  It would be like that stupid Transformers/Star Wars toy line.  Some things are better on their own.  Although…

You know, somehow this just makes sense.

I’d like to take this time to remind you that there’s a very cool comment section below!  Just in case! And thanks for reading.  Live long and prosper, and may the Force be with you.