Super. Hawt. (Part Three)

Before we continue with the hottest ladies of Comicdom, some honorable mentions:  Characters that almost made the cut, and why they didn’t…

PSYLOCKE.  Sorry, doll…mental powers are a dime a dozen, especially in the Marvel Universe.  You wear a thong.  Awesome.  Gotta do better than that, though.

BLACK CANARY. Oh, you wear fishnets and can scream really loud?  Congratulations!  You’re a Derby Girl!

STORM. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always found ‘Roro to be stunningly beautiful.  Just not “sexy.”  Much like Cindy Crawford.  Actually, I preferred the punk-rock Storm from the late-eighties romance with Forge.  But then she went back to her Wind-Goddess kimono look and lost me.

SCARLET WITCH. That headpiece/mask thing always made her look like Count Chocula.  Can’t get down with that.

BLACK CAT.  You’re a silver-haired Catwoman wannabe.  Yep. Somebody had to say it.

Okay then!  Without further ado….as Casey Kasem would say, “On with the countdown!” Only these aren’t numbered, so…dang it.  Forgot to number these.

WHITE QUEEN/EMMA FROST

Confession time. I have never seen “X-Men: First Class.”  Missed it in theaters and Redbox.  It ain’t on Netflix.  Thus, I am out of the loop.  As a result, everything in this entry is from my own comic-book research and memory.  So shaddup if it doesn’t jibe with what you know. Moving on…The White Queen first showed up in the pages of the Uncanny X-Men in 1980 as part of the evil Hellfire Club.  Back then she was (like EVERYBODY ELSE, APPARENTLY) a psychic.  When they started rebooting all the story lines a few years back, a lot of characters developed “secondary mutations.”  For example, the Beast actually started looking like a large, blue cat.  Because of course he did.  Anyway, one of  the additional mutations given to The White Queen (now simply Emma Frost because she’s totally good now, you see) was the ability to harden her skin into diamonds or somesuch.   Oh, she also sometimes bangs Cyclops.  Dude has a thing for psychic women.  Weird.  Finally, Emma looks a lot like Jenna Jameson.

The left is a comic panel from 1980. The right is my spank bank, circa 2002. Uncanny, no?

POWER GIRL

Confession part two.  The only reason I know ANYTHING about Power Girl is because sooooo many chicks cosplay as this character, I had to find out how legit she was.  The answer?  Totally.  Also?  Why didn’t they just call her “TitWoman” or “Super Rack” or something?  Seriously!  She was introduced as the Earth-2 Supergirl or aw-fuck-it-close-enough back in 1976 and even then they had her jugs hanging out all over the place.  No logo or design on her costume.  Just cleavage.  As far as I can tell, she’s got all of Supe’s powers, being his Kryptonian cousin (reason number 568 to dislike Superman?  His family was apparently the 1% of Krypton.  THEY all managed to get off the planet.  Wonder how many hard-working farmers and union men did?  Not many.  Fascists.)  And Power Girl once beat down Wonder Woman. So I guess she ain’t all bad, and honestly, deliberate jug-revealing cut-out aside I like her neat, clean uniform.  It’s almost realistic.  Except for, you know…those.

Look at 'em! LOOK AT 'EM!! And keep in mind this was how they drew her 30-plus years ago!

CATWOMAN

Ah, there she is!  You knew I was gonna make you wait, yeah?  Yeah.  Selina Kyle.  One of Batman’s oldest frienemies.  Lover. Adversary.  She is the sexiest hero/villainess in comicdom.  Period.  Because she’s a bad girl.  Because she’s messed-up.  Because she displays the occasional glimpse of conscience. Because she has on at least one occasion whooped Batman’s ass.  Because the leather.  Because  Eartha Kitt.  Because Julie Newmar.  Because Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry and Anne Hathaway. Because the modern day “Hush” storyline.  Because cats are sexy, and black ones can be bad luck.  Just like a woman.  Just like her.  She’s dangerous, and we love that about her.  Guys often complain about how girls always fall for the “bad boy.”  Well fellas, spend some time with Ms. Kyle.  You’ll have a new perspective.

Now KISS!!

MARY JANE WATSON

Yes.  You knew she had to be on this list somewhere, right?  Even though the list is in no particular order, Catwoman and MJ had to be near the end.  It’s for the same reason that the milk is always at the back of the store…you have to walk all the way back to get it, and might be tempted to pick up a few other items along the way.  And no, my fascination with Mary Jane is NOT because we share a last name.  That would almost be gross. Almost.

Hey, it was good enough for the King...

No, Ms. Watson makes the list because she encompasses so many of the great things about the women on this list.  The confidence of She-Hulk.  The attainability of Gwen Stacy.  The spunk and attitude of Catwoman.  Plus, she’s a redhead.  And since day one, artists have drawn her to be as absolutely foxy as possible.

Exhibit A:

Wow...Lindsay Lohan used to be HOT!!

Exhibit B:

My Spider-sense tells me there a Chai Latte nearby...

Aaaaaand Exhibit C:

There really are no words...

Take a good look at that last image.  She’s sad, because her man has to rush off to risk his life to keep everyone safe. (Also because her Chai Latte is getting cold.  Seriously, chick loves her some hot beverages!)  But she’s proud of him, as she wears his logo on her t-shirt.  She’s also sad because the paper keeps calling him a menace when HE’S CLEARLY NOT!!  Basically, MJ is every wife of every deployed soldier, cop, or firefighter.  She’s proud of him and scared to death for him.  And she’s tough enough on her own, too.  How many bad guys have tried to use her as bait to catch ol’ Web-Head? (Um, sorry Gwen!) How many attempts have been made on her life by revenge-seeking psychos?  And yet never once does she run away or say “Fuck this!  I love you Peter, but I don’t wanna get killed by some loser with a ski mask and bad monologues.  Not worth it.  Bye.”  Nope.  A keeper, this one. She is hot.  She knew Petey in high school when he was a wimp, and maybe even loved him anyway.  She’s tough and funny and GOOD GOD, LOOK AT HER!!  She’s the girl next door.  She’s almost out of your class, Tiger.  But when she smiles at you…oh, boy.  Oh, boy.  She is love. She is sex.  She is loyalty and friendship.  She’s human.  She’s the best.

(Ed. Note: The artist responsible for that iconic final Mary Jane panel is J. Scott Campbell.  He draws Disney princesses that will make you hafta excuse yourself to your jack-sock.  Check him out here.  You’ll thank me.)

Super. Hawt. (Part Two)

Okay then.  Let’s get to it! And we’ll start with one of the greatest paragons of the Empowered Woman in any medium.  No, not Wonder Woman.  We’ve already been over this, people.  No, I’m talkin’ bout…

SHE-HULK.

Yes, her name is vaguely sexist.  Considering that her debut was in 1980, after a decade of women’s-lib protests and ERA debate, they could’ve done better.  But they also could’ve done MUCH worse.  Hulkette?  Hulkina?  At least “SHE” was front and center, and very much countered the “HE-man” mentality so prevalent before men learned to enjoy quiche. Her back-story went like this: Jennifer Walters, successful attorney and daughter of an LA County Sheriff, also happens to be the cousin of one Dr. Bruce Banner.  You already see where this is going.  She gets shot by mobsters the same day ol’ cousin Bruce happens to be in town.  She needs a blood transfusion, their biological DNA and blood types match, so ta-dah!  Bruce’s blood saves her!  But then mobsters try and finish her off and she gets mad and BLA-DAMMM!!!  She-Hulk.  But what makes She-Hulk so damned cool is that she learns to control her Hulk-Out episodes and decides to STAY THAT WAY ALL THE TIME.  She ends up being literally perfect: the brains and legal smarts of Jennifer Walters, the long legs, huge boobs, and killer smile of She-Hulk.  Oh, and even though she’s not quite as strong as her male cousin, she’s bad-ass enough that she fills in for the mothafuckin’ THING in the mothafuckin FANTASTIC FOUR for a spell.  So let’s recap:  she’s a brilliant trial lawyer who happens to be tough enough to replace a guy whose catch-phrase was “It’s CLOBBERIN’ time!”  She took the job of one of the toughest men on the planet and didn’t miss a beat.  Also, the price she paid for her new-found beauty?  She’s green.  That’s it.  She’s a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, literally, and isn’t afraid to flaunt her sexuality while maintaining the respect of her co-workers (who happen to have SUPER POWERS) and pursuing legal justice at the same time.  There is no female character more complete and THAT, friends, is what makes her so damned sexy.

If only she'd prosecuted OJ...

STARFIRE

You know that old Beatles/Elvis argument?  That you can enjoy both but always prefer one over the other?  Turns out that the same applies to the weed/booze and Marvel/DC dichotomies. I must confess that I have always preferred Marvel’s products until they go off the rails (cough! mutantmassacre. cough!) and then I dive into the DC universe and remember that they have some great titles.  During one of these spells I got heavily into the Teen Titans, and, well…Starfire.  Good God.  She’s an alien princess who can harness solar energy or somesuch to allow her to fly and fire energy bolts or what the hell ever man, TITTIES!!!  Sorry.  Also, when she flies her hair appears to be her primary means of propulsion and TITTAYS!!!  Okay, so I don’t remember as much about her back-story other than I think she was dating Nightwing. And that her skin was a golden yellow-orange, much like Snooki.   A friend of mine from college (cough! DamonMiles. cough!) pointed out on Facebook that between Orion Slave Girls, She-Hulk, and Starfire, I certainly go for chicks with otherworldly skin-tones.  To which I reply “Oh, yeah? well…” and my voice trails off as I stare down at my Chuck Taylors.  Goddammit.

And let's be clear: this is from an ACTUAL comic, not fanboy art. I would STILL spank to this. And by "would" I mean "just did."

GWEN STACY

A moment of silence, please.

Thank you.  Sometimes when I drink my Yoo-Hoo wif mah krew, I pour a li’l out for GS.  For those of you that don’t know, Gwen was not “super” in any way.  She was simply Peter Parker’s first love.  The Green Goblin (SPOILER ALERT!)essentially killed her.  Spidey tried to save her, and, um…might have caused the whiplash that killed her.  But let’s face it, after being thrown from that bridge, she was a goner anyway.  Spidey tried.  Spidey failed.  This is why I love comics. And specifically why I prefer the likes of Spidey or Batman to Superman.  They’re not perfect.  Not by a longshot.  Anyway, Gwen was beautiful, blonde, smart…and human.  A regular girl.  Obviously Peter Parker fell for her pretty hard, but, c’mon…dude was a scrawny geek.  Having been a scrawny geek most of my life, let me tell you that we still aim pretty high. Gwen was pretty amazing.  But she’s still not as hot as that other girl next door…(BONUS SPOILER ALERT!  You-know-who is on the list later, Tiger.)

Remember, skinny geeks: this could totally happen to YOU!!

ROGUE

Okay, here’s the thing: I don’t really know what it is about Rogue that made her one of my faves.  Maybe it’s that streak of white hair.  Maybe it’s her southern accent (“Sure thing, sugah!”)  Maybe it’s because you never really knew where she was coming from.  Her connection to Mystique…her stealing of Carol Danvers’ life essence…her memory gaps.  But let’s be honest, the hottest thing about Rogue has always been that you can’t touch her.  She absorbs powers, thoughts, etc. by skin contact.  So you’d have to have sex whilst wearing a wetsuit/condom contraption.  Which is pretty goddam sexy on its own, amirite?  Hello?  Is this on? Dang.  Rogue is forbidden fruit.  And boy, isn’t that always the tastiest?  Let me go ahead and answer that one:  yes.  Yes, it is.  Sugah.

She can steal your entire identity though skin contact. Totally worth it, really.

NEXT ISH:  WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE LURKING IN THE SHADOWS?  SOME SORT OF CAT?  AND, WAIT…MORE CIVILIAN HOTNESS IN THE MIGHTY MARVEL STYLE?! STAY TUNED, TRUE BELIEVERS!  EXCELSIOR!!