Fake Stats.

Life has gotten crazy. With the interwebs and all the fake news and whatnot, it’s hard to know WHAT to believe anymore. So I assembled these little-known Fun Facts for your enjoyment They are, without a doubt, 100% made-up and fake, straight outta my twisted little noggin’. But feel free to share them as if they were bona-fide, completely accurate, vetted pieces of knowledge.  You’re welcome.


Popeye the Sailor Man was loosely based on Norman Keith Collins, aka “Sailor Jerry.” Hence the anchor tattoo on his forearm and the ever-present pipe.


“Ughugugugug…can ye cover up that portrait of me ex? Olive cants stands that whore, and it’s erfectin me loves life!”



Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is dangerously close to bankruptcy and is undergoing a serious financial restructuring of his business enterprises and holdings, including the Cowboys. The alleged reason for these financial troubles is rather recent: Jones was convinced that the “fidget spinner” craze was here to stay, and spent billions acquiring not only eight fidget-spinner manufacturing sites in Southeast Asia, but several inline skate/skateboard bearing manufacturers stateside, hoping to not only corner the spinner market but to be prepared “when rollerblading comes back big-time.”



Like, any second now.



The flavor we humans taste when eating coconut is completely imaginary. The human tongue lacks the receptors required to correctly process the tropical fruit-nut-seed’s taste. Scientists believe this is because coconuts are actually terribly toxic, unless they are mixed with rum or lime/other citrus flavors. (BONUS fun fact: this lime/coconut elixir is the basis for the popular song. Europeans first traveling to Papua/New Guinea became violently ill from eating raw coconut, until the local shaman or “witch doctor” mixed lime juice with coconut milk to create a cure. Then everyone got drunk.)



There are actually only seven planets in our solar system. The rest are simply light reflecting off of asteroids and cosmic dust.



One out of every ten Spree candies is actually a button that fell off someone’s shirt on the assembly line.



If you were to place the cast of Big Bang Theory underwater, without any supply of oxygen, and left them indefinitely, nobody would really have a problem with it.


Well, hi there, Sheldon!



Men over 40 years of age spend up to fifteen minutes out of each day running a finger over the outside of their ear and muttering “…the hell is that? A hair?”



Ancient Greek mathematician and inventor Archimedes would often blurt out “I love cheese!” for seemingly no reason (although many modern scholars believe he suffered from a form of Tourette’s Syndrome). This phrase was incorrectly translated over the years, so that it eventually became widely accepted that his exclamation was actually “Eureka!”


“Goddammit, can’t calculate right now…thinkin’ ’bout dat stanky CHEESE!”

Fun Facts And Helpful Tips!

Hey, gang!  Ready for some more of Ol’ Uncle Turner’s life hacks and observations?  Good!  Good for you!  (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of my “facts” are completely made-up, and I will not be held responsible for anything that happens as a result of you trying some of my “helpful hints” because I have no sense of control/restraint so I do dumb shit.  Don’t do dumb shit, kids.)

FUN FACT: The original draft of the screenplay for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” ended with Cameron murdering his father with a tire iron.

HELPFUL HINT: Don’t murder anyone with a tire iron.  Instead, slip a few scorpions into their pillowcase! Scorpions are nature’s li’l ninjas!

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

FUN FACT:  Hitler had three elbows!

HELPFUL HINT: Fuck with Nazis every chance you get.  Seriously, fuck those racist fucks.  Remember that Editor’s Note earlier wherein I advised against doing stuff that I suggest?  Yeah, fuck that.  Let ’em have it.  Piss in their coffee, taze them and leave ’em to drown.  Whatever.  Scum.  All of ’em are scum.

Now you're wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

Now you’re wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

FUN FACT: Vomiting is necessary!  Every time you spit bile up and out of your esophagus, you’re basically exfoliating your tender inner skin and mucous lining.  It’s nature’s way of replenishing much-needed nutrients!

HELPFUL HINT:  Before you go out drinking, drop a bottle of Mio flavoring into your toilet.  That way, when you or your guests have to puke, you’ll be greeted with the smell and flavor of Tangerine Mango or some other delightful taste sensation!  (Until the barf hits the water, then it’ll quickly turn to Tangerine-Mango-Seven-Layer Burrito.)  When you’ve gotta puke, flush often, kids!

Also?  If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

Also? If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

FUN FACT:  Back in 1966, Waylon Jennings lost an arm-wrestling match to noted physicist Stephen Hawking in Cambridge, England.  Jennings was so furious at losing the match, he cursed the brilliant Hawking to a wheelchair for the rest of his days.  The perturbed country-western singer added “And I’ll come over every October 16th and beat on your dead legs with a tire-iron, you limey prick!”  To this day, October 16th is known as “Tire Iron Day” in England and “The Reaping” in Texas.

HELPFUL HINT:  Don’t mess with Texas.

I call this'un "Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!"

I call this’un “Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!”

FUN FACT: Kraft changed the logo for their line of  “Handi-Snacks” because, well…the old logo looked like it said “Hanoi-Snacks” and, well…Vietnam and shit.

HELPFUL HINT: I don’t really have one here.  Just wanted to point out that, yes, I totally made up the reason WHY they changed logos, but damn…look at that, would ya?

I guess consistent  capitalization was too much to hope for.

I guess consistent capitalization was too much to hope for.

And not to be out-done in the vaguely racist/insensitive snack cracker department, Lance named their yellow snack crackers (I can’t make this shit up, folks) Nip-Chee.  Dafuq?

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Until next time, kiddies!