Fake Stats.

Life has gotten crazy. With the interwebs and all the fake news and whatnot, it’s hard to know WHAT to believe anymore. So I assembled these little-known Fun Facts for your enjoyment They are, without a doubt, 100% made-up and fake, straight outta my twisted little noggin’. But feel free to share them as if they were bona-fide, completely accurate, vetted pieces of knowledge.  You’re welcome.


Popeye the Sailor Man was loosely based on Norman Keith Collins, aka “Sailor Jerry.” Hence the anchor tattoo on his forearm and the ever-present pipe.


“Ughugugugug…can ye cover up that portrait of me ex? Olive cants stands that whore, and it’s erfectin me loves life!”



Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is dangerously close to bankruptcy and is undergoing a serious financial restructuring of his business enterprises and holdings, including the Cowboys. The alleged reason for these financial troubles is rather recent: Jones was convinced that the “fidget spinner” craze was here to stay, and spent billions acquiring not only eight fidget-spinner manufacturing sites in Southeast Asia, but several inline skate/skateboard bearing manufacturers stateside, hoping to not only corner the spinner market but to be prepared “when rollerblading comes back big-time.”



Like, any second now.



The flavor we humans taste when eating coconut is completely imaginary. The human tongue lacks the receptors required to correctly process the tropical fruit-nut-seed’s taste. Scientists believe this is because coconuts are actually terribly toxic, unless they are mixed with rum or lime/other citrus flavors. (BONUS fun fact: this lime/coconut elixir is the basis for the popular song. Europeans first traveling to Papua/New Guinea became violently ill from eating raw coconut, until the local shaman or “witch doctor” mixed lime juice with coconut milk to create a cure. Then everyone got drunk.)



There are actually only seven planets in our solar system. The rest are simply light reflecting off of asteroids and cosmic dust.



One out of every ten Spree candies is actually a button that fell off someone’s shirt on the assembly line.



If you were to place the cast of Big Bang Theory underwater, without any supply of oxygen, and left them indefinitely, nobody would really have a problem with it.


Well, hi there, Sheldon!



Men over 40 years of age spend up to fifteen minutes out of each day running a finger over the outside of their ear and muttering “…the hell is that? A hair?”



Ancient Greek mathematician and inventor Archimedes would often blurt out “I love cheese!” for seemingly no reason (although many modern scholars believe he suffered from a form of Tourette’s Syndrome). This phrase was incorrectly translated over the years, so that it eventually became widely accepted that his exclamation was actually “Eureka!”


“Goddammit, can’t calculate right now…thinkin’ ’bout dat stanky CHEESE!”

Funball Sportacular!

It’s one of the most magical times of the year for sports fans. The NCAA Basketball Tournament looms, the NHL and NBA Playoffs are on the horizon, pitchers and catchers are reporting, the Barclays Premier League has entered the final stretch…our collective athletic cups runneth over. (That’s an unsavory image.)

So what better time for me to dazzle and amaze you with some incredible sports facts? None! None, I say!

(DISCLAIMER: for some reason, I have been unable to confirm the accuracy of all of these facts, but, you know…it’s the internet. They gotta be true.)


Soccer players run, on average, seven miles a game. This is largely because A) they are lost or B) they really need to use the bathroom but can’t find one.


Craig MacTavish was the last NHL player to skate without a helmet. The last player to skate without a protective cup was Andre “No-Balls” Parenteau.


“Perhaps my flowing locks will distract everyone from these brutal uniforms…”

Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr. played 2,632 consecutive games from April 30, 1982 to September 19, 1998. There is a fair deal of controversy surrounding this record, however, as for at least fourteen of these games, Ripken was supported “Weekend at Bernie’s” style between two other players who helped him “catch” and “run” whilst Ripken was semi-conscious.


85% of middle-school children will chuckle to themselves when the coach asks them to “Hand over the balls.”


Nowhere in the International Olympic Committee Guidelines does it mention anything about including bowling balls as props in Synchronized Swimming.


The first “hoops” in basketball were actually just peach baskets. The first “players” in basketball were pimply-faced white motherfuckers.


At 200 mph, NASCAR drivers in one second travel 293 feet, almost the length of a football field. (In other words, about half as fast as Barry Sanders.)


Barry Sanders deserves so much better than a ’99 Mustang.

Gatorade is actually less than .5% alligator.


Contrary to popular belief, at no point in history is it recorded that regulation NFL footballs have been made of frozen rhinoceros turds.


Horse racing enthusiasts are often said to be “playing the ponies.” This is actually a common misnomer, the result of a misspelling. The original phrase was “paying with peonies” and dates back to the days of the Great Depression, when unpaid gambling debts resulted in a funeral for the bettor, complete with a wreath of flowers.


Rugby balls were originally made of pigs’ bladders, and had to be inflated by human breath, which led to…Jesus, never mind. I can’t, because this is actully 100% true, and you can Google the rest.









Things You Might Not Know

Crazy couple of weekends, eh?  Crazy.  But good.  In the midst of all the running around, doing radio, writing stuff, and enjoying the bachelor parties of various friends, some things were pointed out to me that I thought I’d share with you.

1. My Eight-year-old captured two special Pokemon.

Also, one of them has evolved. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but since his Nintendo DS hasn’t been shut off for more than an hour over the last two weeks, I guess that’s something.  Of course, by the time this blog is published, he’ll have a whole stable of the little beasties.

I think it goes something like this, but hell, I'm a 43-year-old man.  What do I know about your goddam gigapets?!

I think it goes something like this, but hell, I’m a 43-year-old man. What do I know about your goddam gigapets?!

2.  “The devil to pay” has nothing to do with Satan.

I remember reading about this sometime during college, I think.  Apparently, in old seafaring terminology, the “devil” was the seam of the keel (the bottom ridge of the boat.)  To “pay” meant to cover in pitch or tar, some sort of sealant.  Hence, to “pay the devil” meant covering the keel in pitch.  Likewise, the expression “between the devil and the deep blue sea” was a reference to being “keelhauled.”  That was a nasty bit of punishment/torture wherein they tied a rope around your ankles, ran the rope under the ship from one rail to the other, knocked you overboard and literally hauled your ass under the boat, over the keel, and to the other side.  Sometimes guys lived.  Mostly they drowned.  While the whole thing was going on, the victim was said to be between the devil and the deep blue sea.  See?  Sailing is fun!



3.  You’re pronouncing “Dr. Suess” wrong.

No, smartass, we know:  his real last name was Geisel.  The dude used his middle name, Suess, as his nom de plume.  The thing is, he was of German descent, and pronounced it “Soice.”  Everyone got it wrong, though, and he eventually gave up trying to correct people.  He then died drunk, penniless, and indigent.  (I made up that last part.)

See?  It's a cat.  In a hat.  (No, eff YOU!!)

See? It’s a cat. In a hat. (No, eff YOU!!)

4.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But three lefts do.  (That’s also how people navigate downtown Ft. Wayne.)

As you can see from this handy image, Ewing street now has a stop sign.  Progress, people.

As you can see from this handy image, Ewing street now has a stop sign. Progress, people.

5. Frank Black from the show Millennium was named for the guy from The Pixies.

X-Files mastermind Chris Carter created this not-really-a-spin-off show, Millennium, which debuted in 1996 and ran for about three seasons.  The main character, played wonderfully by the creepy android Bishop, was named Frank Black.  Chris Carter named him after Black Francis of super underground subbacultcha rock band The Pixies.  Black Francis was actually Frank Black.  I also once read that Chris Carter’s last name used to be Black, but it got changed somewhere along the way because reasons.  I don’t know if that’s true, so I just stick with that Pixies thing.

Look at this fucking ROCK STAR.

Look at this fucking ROCK STAR.

6. I made up a new word whilst typing that last bit.

I make no secret of the fact that I’m a piss-poor typist.  There are probably three different typos in this blog alone, not to mention gross abuses of grammar.  Hey, I type as I think, and my little digits can’t keep up all the time.  Anyway, I was typing “mastermind” when describing Chris Carter, and accidentally wrote “Matermind.”  I’ve since corrected that mistake, but have decided that “Matermind” is a great way to described someone who is borderline retarded and/or loves the comedy stylings of Larry the Cable Guy.  In a sense, “Matermind” is the exact opposite of “Mastermind.”  Feel free to use this new word with impunity.

Still a better movie than "Planes."

Still a better movie than “Planes.”

Fun Facts And Helpful Tips!

Hey, gang!  Ready for some more of Ol’ Uncle Turner’s life hacks and observations?  Good!  Good for you!  (EDITOR’S NOTE: most of my “facts” are completely made-up, and I will not be held responsible for anything that happens as a result of you trying some of my “helpful hints” because I have no sense of control/restraint so I do dumb shit.  Don’t do dumb shit, kids.)

FUN FACT: The original draft of the screenplay for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” ended with Cameron murdering his father with a tire iron.

HELPFUL HINT: Don’t murder anyone with a tire iron.  Instead, slip a few scorpions into their pillowcase! Scorpions are nature’s li’l ninjas!

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

FUN FACT:  Hitler had three elbows!

HELPFUL HINT: Fuck with Nazis every chance you get.  Seriously, fuck those racist fucks.  Remember that Editor’s Note earlier wherein I advised against doing stuff that I suggest?  Yeah, fuck that.  Let ’em have it.  Piss in their coffee, taze them and leave ’em to drown.  Whatever.  Scum.  All of ’em are scum.

Now you're wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

Now you’re wondering which one is Ferris and which one is Cameron.

FUN FACT: Vomiting is necessary!  Every time you spit bile up and out of your esophagus, you’re basically exfoliating your tender inner skin and mucous lining.  It’s nature’s way of replenishing much-needed nutrients!

HELPFUL HINT:  Before you go out drinking, drop a bottle of Mio flavoring into your toilet.  That way, when you or your guests have to puke, you’ll be greeted with the smell and flavor of Tangerine Mango or some other delightful taste sensation!  (Until the barf hits the water, then it’ll quickly turn to Tangerine-Mango-Seven-Layer Burrito.)  When you’ve gotta puke, flush often, kids!

Also?  If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

Also? If your pee looks like this, see a doctor immediately.

FUN FACT:  Back in 1966, Waylon Jennings lost an arm-wrestling match to noted physicist Stephen Hawking in Cambridge, England.  Jennings was so furious at losing the match, he cursed the brilliant Hawking to a wheelchair for the rest of his days.  The perturbed country-western singer added “And I’ll come over every October 16th and beat on your dead legs with a tire-iron, you limey prick!”  To this day, October 16th is known as “Tire Iron Day” in England and “The Reaping” in Texas.

HELPFUL HINT:  Don’t mess with Texas.

I call this'un "Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!"

I call this’un “Fuck you, wheelchair-boy!”

FUN FACT: Kraft changed the logo for their line of  “Handi-Snacks” because, well…the old logo looked like it said “Hanoi-Snacks” and, well…Vietnam and shit.

HELPFUL HINT: I don’t really have one here.  Just wanted to point out that, yes, I totally made up the reason WHY they changed logos, but damn…look at that, would ya?

I guess consistent  capitalization was too much to hope for.

I guess consistent capitalization was too much to hope for.

And not to be out-done in the vaguely racist/insensitive snack cracker department, Lance named their yellow snack crackers (I can’t make this shit up, folks) Nip-Chee.  Dafuq?

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Technically, the ones on the left should be Snook-Chee.

Until next time, kiddies!