A Solution For Marvel

First, Spider-Man. Soon, the Fantastic Four. And eventually, the X-Men. One by one, the various Sony and 20th Century Foxes of the world are coming to the conclusion that “if you can’t beat ‘em, at least enter into a shared-revenue licensing deal with ‘em.” The rival studios are all slowly realizing that not only can they just not do these stories as well as Marvel, but the epic nature of the films is damned expensive to produce. The upcoming X-Men: Apocalypse flick is make-or-break. And realistically, even if it DOES make money, is it worth it to the studio? Or is the smart move to just go halfsies with the big boys and reap all of the profit with zero risk?

 

But when that day comes, Marvel has a bit of a problem on its hands: how to explain all of these mutants suddenly appearing in the same universe that has slowly expanded from one guy in a suit of mechanized armor into, well…Age of Ultron?

 

Fear not, Marvel. I’ve got you covered. Here’s the scene that makes the transition, and I don’t even want any money. I just want a screenwriting credit. Deal? Good.

 

 

INT: AN UPSCALE RESTAURANT IN MANHATTAN

 

TONY STARK is already seated as his friend DR. BRUCE BANNER slides into the seat opposite him. The contrast is painfully obvious. TONY is dressed in a $3000 sharkskin suit. BANNER wears what looks like an un-pressed corduroy blazer over a white cotton shirt, no tie.

BANNER: Impressive. Really, I can never get a table anywhere in this town.

TONY: (Checking the wine list, distracted) Hmm? Oh. Yeah, no problem.

BANNER: So, what is the problem?

TONY: Did I say there was a problem?

BANNER: I don’t hear from you in like ten weeks and all of a sudden you’re flying me here to New York. That’s…forgive me for sounding paranoid, but I know you.

TONY: Can’t I simply have a friend over for dinner?

BANNER: (Picking up a menu) You fly all your friends halfway across the world for steaks?

TONY: It’s Wagyu. And I don’t have a lot of friends.

BANNER: Excellent point.

 

A BEAT as the two regard each other, neither speaking.

 

TONY: God, you know me so well. Okay, I wanted to get your take on something.

BANNER: There it is.

TONY: You got me. So, here’s the thing—

BANNER: Wait, so, is this work stuff? We’re not at your place. I’m guessing that’s by design. Where’s the rest of the team? Is this SHIELD?

TONY: It’s not like that. I just, I need someone smart to run this by.

BANNER: What about Richards? Didn’t they move into the Baxter Building? That’s right up the street.

TONY: Okay, first, Reed creeps me out a little bit. He’s…arrogant.

BANNER: Oh, he’s arrogant?

TONY: Plus, all that stretchy stuff. I can’t help but hear “Rubber Band Man” in my head every time he opens his mouth. But no, he’s not a geneticist, and—

BANNER: Neither am I. But you know that.

TONY: Would you just shut up for a second? Please. This has been…it’s been driving me nuts.

BANNER: Okay. Sorry. Not sure what I can offer, but I’m here now, so go ahead. Lay it on me.

TONY: Thank you. Seriously, because—okay. Anything strike you as odd about the spider kid?

BANNER: You mean Spider-Man?

TONY: Man? Really? He won’t even shave for another three years. That’s what he’s calling himself?

BANNER: That’s what the press is calling him.

TONY: We’ve gotta get ahead of that, nip it in the bud. But what do you know about him?

BANNER: I hear he’s smart. And, ability-wise, I understand he’s strong. Sticks to walls? Shoots webs?

TONY: He’s incredibly smart. He made those shooters, did you know that? Came up with his own formula. I’m going to hire him, he’ll be an asset to Stark Industries. But yeah, the crawling stuff. Strength, too. He’s not as strong as Thor, or…you know, Jolly Green Giant…but he’s way past normal human parameters.

BANNER: And so far he’s using these abilities for good. So…what’s the issue?

TONY: The issue is “how?” “Why?” Where did this all come from? Supposedly he got bitten by a magic spider or something.

BANNER: Magic spider?

TONY: I don’t know, like radioactive or genetically enhanced. But see, that’s what got me thinking.

BANNER: Go on.

TONY: What if he already had these…abilities. What if he were sort of waiting to manifest. And then, bam! Something happens. Maybe a spider bite. And sure, let’s say it’s radioactive or bears some sort of unknown toxin. Suppose his body’s way of responding to the threat is to mimic the attacker?

BANNER: So you’re saying we could’ve had the Sensational Snake-Man? Rat-Boy?

TONY: Yeah! Maybe! In other words, the bite just released what was already there. Inside. Waiting.

BANNER: I could see that. So…

TONY: So, why? What’s so special about this kid? What caused his body to do that? Everyone else that runs in our little circle, there’s a perfectly rational explanation. I built a suit. You altered your body’s chemistry with questionable gamma radiation exposure.

BANNER: I’d say it was more than questionable. So, take this to its logical conclusion: a couple of assassins, an AI that we created, a eugenics experiment gone right, and an extraterrestrial superman…sure, okay. But the twins were, what…some HYDRA experiment?

TONY: Ah, now we’re getting there. What if they weren’t? I mean, what if HYDRA twisted them a bit, poked ‘em, prodded them. The Avengers started an arms race. Now the bad guys need bigger guns. Granted. But what if the same thing happened to those two? The same thing that this Parker kid experienced when he got bitten or stabbed or whatever really happened?

BANNER: You’re saying that they were…predisposed? That all they needed was a trigger, some sort of trauma? To release their abilities?

TONY Exactly. I heard about a girl in Chicago who just started walking through things, walls, the ceiling, like a ghost. Roughly the same age as Spider-Boy.

BANNER: Spider-Man.

TONY: Whatever. So take it further…what if there are more? What if we’re seeing something unprecedented? What if we’re witnessing the dawn of a new species?

BANNER: Whoa, hang on…like evolution? That happens over millions of years, and—

TONY: Climate change. Climate change happens. Historically, geologically, we know that it goes in waves. Millions of years of change, from swamps to ice age and back.

BANNER: Okay..?

TONY: Human behavior has accelerated it. Pushed the clock forward.

BANNER: And you think we’re doing the same thing with evolution. Huh.

TONY: Think about all the above-ground nuclear testing we’ve done, as a species, since World War Two. All the genetically-modified crops. Growth hormones in the food. Pesticides. All of that has to have a cumulative effect, right? What if this is it?

BANNER: Mutations. You’re saying that humanity has started a chain-reaction of mutations, altering our very DNA. That’s a lot to take in.

TONY: But it’s possible.

BANNER: Well, it’s certainly not impossible.

TONY: Bruce, maybe that’s why we’re here. To help, I don’t know, usher in a new age. Or, you know…keep things from getting crazy.

BANNER: Crazier than dropping cities out of the sky? Or alien invasions?

TONY: You know what I mean.

BANNER: Huh. It’s noble to want to keep a lid on the bad stuff, Tony, but we’re all just tired. And it hasn’t exactly worked the way we wanted it to every time. I figured you’d be tired, too. Done with the police bit.

TONY: Look, I don’t want any more fighting. But I’m also tired of getting caught with my pants down.

 

ANOTHER BEAT as the pair look at their hands and fidget wordlessly.

 

BANNER: Mutations.

TONY: Mutants.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

BONUS AFTER-CREDITS SCENE!!

 

 

FADE IN on TONY STARK sitting in a darkened office. It isn’t his; it’s an old, opulent-looking office straight out of Cambridge (actually, Oxford.)

 

We HEAR a door open, and light slashes across TONY as he raises a hand to shield his eyes. Suddenly the LIGHTS come on. From OFF-SCREEN we HEAR…

 

PROFESSOR X: What the devil are you doing? How did you get in here?

TONY: (standing) Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out. Apologies. I just didn’t want a lot of attention.

PROFESSOR X wheels his chair into frame.

PROFESSOR X: Tony Stark! I recognize you! To what do I owe the pleasure?

TONY: I have a proposition for you.

PROFESSOR X: Yes. Yes, I imagine you do.

 

FADE OUT.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Tips

Okay, so, not really “tips.”  But since I’ve over-used words like “Randomity” and any variation thereof, I had to come up with something.  Besides, there is one very strong recommendation in today’s blog, so the title is technically accurate.   Somewhat.

A little.

Okay.

Let’s jump in.  Item number one:

It’s St. Paddy’s Day, NOT St. Patty’s Day.

We (and by “we” I mean “Americans”) just celebrated the storied, auld Hibernian Holiday celebrating the great Irish (probably Scottish, maybe English or Welsh) Saint Patrick.  Yanks, as many of you know, enjoy a great deal of cultural stereotyping and drunken foolishness whilst celebrating the life and times of a Christian martyr.  We dress up in plastic green Bowler hats (or are they Derbys?) and drink watery American light beer with food coloring in it because…fuck, I really have no idea.  Prettier puke?  None of that matters, however, as I was trying to make a point and got sidetracked.  Probably because I was (am) drunk, being that at least a third of my lineage is Irish, as I am a good old-fashioned American Mutt.

'MURICAN MUTT!!  (Get it?  It's not too subtle?  Okay.)

‘MURICAN MUTT!! (Get it? It’s not too subtle? Okay.)

Anyway.

Something that sort of irks me is the ongoing misuse of “St. PATTY’S Day.”  I mean, it’s not the worst thing in the world (no, that’s the use of “DUCK Tape” in lieu of “DUCT tape”) but it just sort of grates.  I mean, I get it: Patrick.  Shortened and made more familiar.  Patty.  Sure.  Makes sense.  Only, that’s not the dude’s name.  Not originally.  It was/is Padraig.  Irish.  Padraig.  Ever heard of a police van (or other vehicle) called a “Paddy Wagon?”  That originated in an interestingly double-sided bit of stereotyping/profiling.  See, they’d send out the cops to round up the drunken brawlers in places like New York, Boston, and Chicago, and as we all know, the only drunken brawlers of yesteryear were Irish.  Hence, they sent out the “PADDY Wagon” to haul the lot to the drunk tank.  Not a “PATTY Wagon” although if Mr. Krabs had his way, that’s exactly what it’d be.  The fun counterpoint here is that most of the arresting officers and regular beat cops in those same cities were, you guessed it:  Irish.  Sean Connery in “The Untouchables?”  Yeah.  Lots and lots of Irish cops rounding up Irish drunks in their goddam Irish getups drinking their goddam delicious dark red, amber, and brown beers and anyway, it’s SAINT PADDY, YOU ENGLISH COCKSUCKERS!

Ummm...I don't know how to tell you this, Ireland, but other than potatoes, well...

Ummm…I don’t know how to tell you this, Ireland, but other than potatoes, well…

Speaking of the Irish (the OTHER Irish) let me drop some cool Mexican futbol knowledge on ya…

The UNAM Pumas = University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

I love me some footy.  Sure, hockey is always going to be number one in my book, but goddam…LOVE me some footy.  Particularly the English variety.  Italian, Spanish, French…they’re all a bunch of diving pussies.  (Except for Messi.  Messi never falls.)  Maybe that’s because he’s from Argentina, and South American and Central American footy players seem to be made of sterner stuff.  Anyway, my favorite Western Hemisphere club team is Club de Fútbol Universidad Nacional A. C, otherwise known as UNAM Pumas.

I’ll be honest, the main reason I began supporting this Mexican side was their logo.  I liked the kitty-cat head and the way his nose sort of reminded me of the steps of a large ziggurat (that never looks like it’s spelled correctly) and the color scheme.  I really dig the gold and blue colors.  They look regal, clean…and, yes, somewhat familiar.

Regal.  Yes.  Regal as a motherfucker.

Regal. Yes. Regal as a motherfucker.

That’s because they are directly copied from the University of Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish.  Seriously.  The Pumas were almost a direct copy of ND’s American football team.  See, the Pumas began life as a college club team.  To this day, they play at a college stadium and the acronym UNAM stands for Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México or “The National Autonomous University of Mexico.”  Back in the early decades of the 20th Century, American Football was more popular in parts of Mexico than good old-fashioned futbol.  The UNAM kids asked the Notre Dame guys to come down and teach them Futbol Americano.  The Notre Dame guys left a big impression, along with a ton of their warm-ups and training gear.  It was a great cultural exchange, despite the fact that South Bend still doesn’t have very good Mexican restaurants to this day.  Eventually the Mexican club embraced European football instead of American, went pro, and here they are. They still wear the Notre Dame colors and still rock their university affiliation and I think that’s awesome.

Regal.

Regal.

Read Hawkguy.

Okay, I know I tend to geek out here.  My buddy Ray likes it when I go on my quantum-physics = Buddhism tangents and such, but goddam it, sometimes the best thing in the world to talk about is something geeky.  My blog, my interests.  Sorry, gang.  And now and then I also try to enrich your life by giving you tips.  Brothers and sisters, I have a big one for you.

Hawkeye.

No, not the guy from M*A*S*H who happened to be named after a James Fenimore Cooper character and Daniel Day Lewis dreamboat.  No, I’m talking about the archer who wears purple.  Marvel Comics’ blatant rip-off of Green Arrow.  The pretty much useless dude in The Avengers movie.  That guy.  Hawkguy.

Guest-starring John Goodman

Guest-starring John Goodman

I have my friend, the brilliant and handsome Professor Tony DiSanto, to thank for recommending the most recent iteration of the Hawkeye character.  Prior to the moment when he said “DO IT, ASSHOLE!  PICK UP THIS BOOK!” (I may not remember Tony’s exact words with 100% accuracy, but it was something like that) I honestly didn’t give two shits.   Hawkeye was always the “trick arrow” guy and stupid.  His mask was designed to look like Wolverine’s, only it had a big “H” on the top.  Seriously, Marvel?  You took Captain American’s “A” and made it a consonant and…those stupid cuffed pirate boots…and…and a hover-scooter…and…just no.  How about no?  NO.  I mean, sure, I enjoyed Jeremy Renner’s interpretation of the character, and in retrospect think they should have used him better in Joss Whedon’s blockbuster flick.  But overall, there just wasn’t anything about the dude that drew my attention.

Navy and purple are usually such a great combination.  Don't know what went wrong here...

Navy and purple are usually such a great combination. Don’t know what went wrong here…

Then Matt Fraction stepped in.  I can’t say this strongly enough:  the Hawkeye book(s) are some of the most brilliant storytelling I’ve ever read, especially from a major publisher.  Added to the writing (which is clever, smart, exciting, and sometimes a bit dark) is the amazing minimalist artwork.  The color palette is perfect, and little touches like the obvious placement of a strategic old-school Hawkeye character’s head over the current Clint Barton’s privates during a naked fight remind you that yes, this is a comic book.

Head.   Giggle.  Snort.

Head. Giggle. Snort.

But when he tells an entire section of one story through the eyes of Clint’s rescued pooch (Pizza Dog!) you see just how clever Fraction really is.  Wow.  Seriously, wow.  At times heartbreaking, other times hilarious,  I can’t recommend it enough.  Even if you hate comics (or if you’re a hipster that usually shuns the big labels) you owe it to yourself to pick up the trade paperback compilations (I got mine at the Allen County Public Library) and dig in.  This series, more than any that I’ve read over the last few years, show why comics are their own art form.  The nimble written prose of a great novel and the stylized visuals of an art-house movie;  it’s neither fish nor fowl, and that’s what’s great about it.  Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye.  Check it out.

Celbri-Doodle-Dandy!

I know I’m supposed to posting new blogs based on the feedback I got a week or so ago when I solicited ideas from you, and I promise to get right back to it (and, hey?  Look at me with, what?  Three blogs in less than a week?) but the overload of celebrity-news crap that started with the Affleck-as-Batman bombshell and petered out with Mileygate, I felt it was my duty to keep up.  Besides, some of you really dig these fake celebrity scandal write-ups.  So let’s dive in!

Mindy’s Major Moxie Mission!!

This is what Renée Zellweger will look like in five more years.

CORRECTION: this is actually a picture of Renée Zellweger from the future.

Full-figured voice actress and former child star Mindy Cohn is hoping to revamp her Hollywood career by following in the sexy footsteps of Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, and most recently, Miley Cyrus, by putting on what has been described as “one sexy Vaudevillian burlesque!” at an upcoming awards show or Kroger grand opening.

“I’m just waiting for my opportunity to show the world what I got!  ‘Cause I got a lot…and it’s all HOT!!”  says the plus-sized vixen. Cohn has been working on a “suitably shocking” routine while working around her ongoing gig as the voice of Velma on the successful Scooby-Doo Mystery, Inc.  “We’re just waiting to hear back from either the Golden Globes or the new Kroger Supercenter in Studio City.  Whatever’s going to give us the most exposure for my exposure, if you catch my drift!”  Oh, we read you loud and clear, lady!  Loud and clear!

The Diceman Cometh to Tarantino Sequel!

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

Hot on the heels of the longtime funnyman’s surprise dramatic turn in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, the bombastic Andrew Dice Clay has already landed another high-profile project: the eagerly-anticipated sequel to Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, tentatively titled Reservoir Dogs 2: Nice Guys Finish Last.  “It’s a blast!  Who knew, right?  Last flick I done, I get to work with a classy broad like Cate Blancett, who, you know…she’s English or some sh*t, so that’s class, buddy.  Class for days, am I rite?  And now?  Now I get to work with Stephen Baldwin AND that guy from Scrubs! [John C. McGinley, rumored] Unfrigginbelievable!”  Of course, some Hollywood types are taking a wait-and-see attitude towards Clay’s sudden cinematic chops.  Tarantino himself released the following statement:

“I’m so angry right now. Angry at myself for stupid rookie mistakes I made when we first shot Reservoir Dogs, my first film.  I stupidly overlooked a couple of loopholes when we signed the distribution rights, and now I’m powerless to stop this train wreck of a cluster-f*ck.  For starters, the title?  Apparently that’s a reference to Nice Guy Eddie, the character from the first film.  My problem?  Nice Guy Eddie is DEAD at the end of the movie, and the guy that played him is ALSO DEAD.  Hey, spoiler alert, assh*les:  EVERYONE DIES BUT MR. PINK!!  There can’t be a f*cking sequel!”

There has been no response from the studio, and the film remains in pre-production.

The Amazing Spider-Abs!

Your friendly neighborhood...um...JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

Your friendly neighborhood…um…JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

In a bombshell announcement that rocked the world of geek-culture for the second time in as many weeks, Columbia Pictures announced a bold last-minute re-casting of one of comicdom’s most popular characters.  With only weeks of production left on The Amazing Spider-Man 2 as the cast and crew strive for a May 2014 release date, the lead role of Peter Parker (who famously dons the mask as Marvel’s web-slinger) has been given the ol’ switcheroo.  Out is Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) who took over the red-and-blue tights for the first big reboot (The Amazing Spider-Man, 2012) and in is current it-boy and panty-dampener Channing Tatum.  The studio explained the sudden casting change this way:

“As much as we love Andrew, the test audiences just wanted someone ‘bulgier’ and ‘hotter.’  Plus, once the guys at Warner Brothers hit us with that Ben Affleck casting news, we knew we had to amp up the sex appeal in a big way.  I mean…have you seen the abs on C-Tates?!”  Tatum is no stranger to last-minute reshoots.  The release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation was delayed by a year in order to add more delicious Channing Tatum beefcake.  The same sort of frenzied shooting schedule is expected for the Spidey sequel if the studio sticks to its May release.

[NEXT WEEK IN CELBRI-NOOZ: STUDIO HEAD RECEIVES MASSIVE NUMBER OF DEATH-THREATS FROM ANGRY GEEK MOB!]

Super. Hawt. (Part Three)

Before we continue with the hottest ladies of Comicdom, some honorable mentions:  Characters that almost made the cut, and why they didn’t…

PSYLOCKE.  Sorry, doll…mental powers are a dime a dozen, especially in the Marvel Universe.  You wear a thong.  Awesome.  Gotta do better than that, though.

BLACK CANARY. Oh, you wear fishnets and can scream really loud?  Congratulations!  You’re a Derby Girl!

STORM. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always found ‘Roro to be stunningly beautiful.  Just not “sexy.”  Much like Cindy Crawford.  Actually, I preferred the punk-rock Storm from the late-eighties romance with Forge.  But then she went back to her Wind-Goddess kimono look and lost me.

SCARLET WITCH. That headpiece/mask thing always made her look like Count Chocula.  Can’t get down with that.

BLACK CAT.  You’re a silver-haired Catwoman wannabe.  Yep. Somebody had to say it.

Okay then!  Without further ado….as Casey Kasem would say, “On with the countdown!” Only these aren’t numbered, so…dang it.  Forgot to number these.

WHITE QUEEN/EMMA FROST

Confession time. I have never seen “X-Men: First Class.”  Missed it in theaters and Redbox.  It ain’t on Netflix.  Thus, I am out of the loop.  As a result, everything in this entry is from my own comic-book research and memory.  So shaddup if it doesn’t jibe with what you know. Moving on…The White Queen first showed up in the pages of the Uncanny X-Men in 1980 as part of the evil Hellfire Club.  Back then she was (like EVERYBODY ELSE, APPARENTLY) a psychic.  When they started rebooting all the story lines a few years back, a lot of characters developed “secondary mutations.”  For example, the Beast actually started looking like a large, blue cat.  Because of course he did.  Anyway, one of  the additional mutations given to The White Queen (now simply Emma Frost because she’s totally good now, you see) was the ability to harden her skin into diamonds or somesuch.   Oh, she also sometimes bangs Cyclops.  Dude has a thing for psychic women.  Weird.  Finally, Emma looks a lot like Jenna Jameson.

The left is a comic panel from 1980. The right is my spank bank, circa 2002. Uncanny, no?

POWER GIRL

Confession part two.  The only reason I know ANYTHING about Power Girl is because sooooo many chicks cosplay as this character, I had to find out how legit she was.  The answer?  Totally.  Also?  Why didn’t they just call her “TitWoman” or “Super Rack” or something?  Seriously!  She was introduced as the Earth-2 Supergirl or aw-fuck-it-close-enough back in 1976 and even then they had her jugs hanging out all over the place.  No logo or design on her costume.  Just cleavage.  As far as I can tell, she’s got all of Supe’s powers, being his Kryptonian cousin (reason number 568 to dislike Superman?  His family was apparently the 1% of Krypton.  THEY all managed to get off the planet.  Wonder how many hard-working farmers and union men did?  Not many.  Fascists.)  And Power Girl once beat down Wonder Woman. So I guess she ain’t all bad, and honestly, deliberate jug-revealing cut-out aside I like her neat, clean uniform.  It’s almost realistic.  Except for, you know…those.

Look at 'em! LOOK AT 'EM!! And keep in mind this was how they drew her 30-plus years ago!

CATWOMAN

Ah, there she is!  You knew I was gonna make you wait, yeah?  Yeah.  Selina Kyle.  One of Batman’s oldest frienemies.  Lover. Adversary.  She is the sexiest hero/villainess in comicdom.  Period.  Because she’s a bad girl.  Because she’s messed-up.  Because she displays the occasional glimpse of conscience. Because she has on at least one occasion whooped Batman’s ass.  Because the leather.  Because  Eartha Kitt.  Because Julie Newmar.  Because Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry and Anne Hathaway. Because the modern day “Hush” storyline.  Because cats are sexy, and black ones can be bad luck.  Just like a woman.  Just like her.  She’s dangerous, and we love that about her.  Guys often complain about how girls always fall for the “bad boy.”  Well fellas, spend some time with Ms. Kyle.  You’ll have a new perspective.

Now KISS!!

MARY JANE WATSON

Yes.  You knew she had to be on this list somewhere, right?  Even though the list is in no particular order, Catwoman and MJ had to be near the end.  It’s for the same reason that the milk is always at the back of the store…you have to walk all the way back to get it, and might be tempted to pick up a few other items along the way.  And no, my fascination with Mary Jane is NOT because we share a last name.  That would almost be gross. Almost.

Hey, it was good enough for the King...

No, Ms. Watson makes the list because she encompasses so many of the great things about the women on this list.  The confidence of She-Hulk.  The attainability of Gwen Stacy.  The spunk and attitude of Catwoman.  Plus, she’s a redhead.  And since day one, artists have drawn her to be as absolutely foxy as possible.

Exhibit A:

Wow...Lindsay Lohan used to be HOT!!

Exhibit B:

My Spider-sense tells me there a Chai Latte nearby...

Aaaaaand Exhibit C:

There really are no words...

Take a good look at that last image.  She’s sad, because her man has to rush off to risk his life to keep everyone safe. (Also because her Chai Latte is getting cold.  Seriously, chick loves her some hot beverages!)  But she’s proud of him, as she wears his logo on her t-shirt.  She’s also sad because the paper keeps calling him a menace when HE’S CLEARLY NOT!!  Basically, MJ is every wife of every deployed soldier, cop, or firefighter.  She’s proud of him and scared to death for him.  And she’s tough enough on her own, too.  How many bad guys have tried to use her as bait to catch ol’ Web-Head? (Um, sorry Gwen!) How many attempts have been made on her life by revenge-seeking psychos?  And yet never once does she run away or say “Fuck this!  I love you Peter, but I don’t wanna get killed by some loser with a ski mask and bad monologues.  Not worth it.  Bye.”  Nope.  A keeper, this one. She is hot.  She knew Petey in high school when he was a wimp, and maybe even loved him anyway.  She’s tough and funny and GOOD GOD, LOOK AT HER!!  She’s the girl next door.  She’s almost out of your class, Tiger.  But when she smiles at you…oh, boy.  Oh, boy.  She is love. She is sex.  She is loyalty and friendship.  She’s human.  She’s the best.

(Ed. Note: The artist responsible for that iconic final Mary Jane panel is J. Scott Campbell.  He draws Disney princesses that will make you hafta excuse yourself to your jack-sock.  Check him out here.  You’ll thank me.)

Super. Hawt. (Part Two)

Okay then.  Let’s get to it! And we’ll start with one of the greatest paragons of the Empowered Woman in any medium.  No, not Wonder Woman.  We’ve already been over this, people.  No, I’m talkin’ bout…

SHE-HULK.

Yes, her name is vaguely sexist.  Considering that her debut was in 1980, after a decade of women’s-lib protests and ERA debate, they could’ve done better.  But they also could’ve done MUCH worse.  Hulkette?  Hulkina?  At least “SHE” was front and center, and very much countered the “HE-man” mentality so prevalent before men learned to enjoy quiche. Her back-story went like this: Jennifer Walters, successful attorney and daughter of an LA County Sheriff, also happens to be the cousin of one Dr. Bruce Banner.  You already see where this is going.  She gets shot by mobsters the same day ol’ cousin Bruce happens to be in town.  She needs a blood transfusion, their biological DNA and blood types match, so ta-dah!  Bruce’s blood saves her!  But then mobsters try and finish her off and she gets mad and BLA-DAMMM!!!  She-Hulk.  But what makes She-Hulk so damned cool is that she learns to control her Hulk-Out episodes and decides to STAY THAT WAY ALL THE TIME.  She ends up being literally perfect: the brains and legal smarts of Jennifer Walters, the long legs, huge boobs, and killer smile of She-Hulk.  Oh, and even though she’s not quite as strong as her male cousin, she’s bad-ass enough that she fills in for the mothafuckin’ THING in the mothafuckin FANTASTIC FOUR for a spell.  So let’s recap:  she’s a brilliant trial lawyer who happens to be tough enough to replace a guy whose catch-phrase was “It’s CLOBBERIN’ time!”  She took the job of one of the toughest men on the planet and didn’t miss a beat.  Also, the price she paid for her new-found beauty?  She’s green.  That’s it.  She’s a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, literally, and isn’t afraid to flaunt her sexuality while maintaining the respect of her co-workers (who happen to have SUPER POWERS) and pursuing legal justice at the same time.  There is no female character more complete and THAT, friends, is what makes her so damned sexy.

If only she'd prosecuted OJ...

STARFIRE

You know that old Beatles/Elvis argument?  That you can enjoy both but always prefer one over the other?  Turns out that the same applies to the weed/booze and Marvel/DC dichotomies. I must confess that I have always preferred Marvel’s products until they go off the rails (cough! mutantmassacre. cough!) and then I dive into the DC universe and remember that they have some great titles.  During one of these spells I got heavily into the Teen Titans, and, well…Starfire.  Good God.  She’s an alien princess who can harness solar energy or somesuch to allow her to fly and fire energy bolts or what the hell ever man, TITTIES!!!  Sorry.  Also, when she flies her hair appears to be her primary means of propulsion and TITTAYS!!!  Okay, so I don’t remember as much about her back-story other than I think she was dating Nightwing. And that her skin was a golden yellow-orange, much like Snooki.   A friend of mine from college (cough! DamonMiles. cough!) pointed out on Facebook that between Orion Slave Girls, She-Hulk, and Starfire, I certainly go for chicks with otherworldly skin-tones.  To which I reply “Oh, yeah? well…” and my voice trails off as I stare down at my Chuck Taylors.  Goddammit.

And let's be clear: this is from an ACTUAL comic, not fanboy art. I would STILL spank to this. And by "would" I mean "just did."

GWEN STACY

A moment of silence, please.

Thank you.  Sometimes when I drink my Yoo-Hoo wif mah krew, I pour a li’l out for GS.  For those of you that don’t know, Gwen was not “super” in any way.  She was simply Peter Parker’s first love.  The Green Goblin (SPOILER ALERT!)essentially killed her.  Spidey tried to save her, and, um…might have caused the whiplash that killed her.  But let’s face it, after being thrown from that bridge, she was a goner anyway.  Spidey tried.  Spidey failed.  This is why I love comics. And specifically why I prefer the likes of Spidey or Batman to Superman.  They’re not perfect.  Not by a longshot.  Anyway, Gwen was beautiful, blonde, smart…and human.  A regular girl.  Obviously Peter Parker fell for her pretty hard, but, c’mon…dude was a scrawny geek.  Having been a scrawny geek most of my life, let me tell you that we still aim pretty high. Gwen was pretty amazing.  But she’s still not as hot as that other girl next door…(BONUS SPOILER ALERT!  You-know-who is on the list later, Tiger.)

Remember, skinny geeks: this could totally happen to YOU!!

ROGUE

Okay, here’s the thing: I don’t really know what it is about Rogue that made her one of my faves.  Maybe it’s that streak of white hair.  Maybe it’s her southern accent (“Sure thing, sugah!”)  Maybe it’s because you never really knew where she was coming from.  Her connection to Mystique…her stealing of Carol Danvers’ life essence…her memory gaps.  But let’s be honest, the hottest thing about Rogue has always been that you can’t touch her.  She absorbs powers, thoughts, etc. by skin contact.  So you’d have to have sex whilst wearing a wetsuit/condom contraption.  Which is pretty goddam sexy on its own, amirite?  Hello?  Is this on? Dang.  Rogue is forbidden fruit.  And boy, isn’t that always the tastiest?  Let me go ahead and answer that one:  yes.  Yes, it is.  Sugah.

She can steal your entire identity though skin contact. Totally worth it, really.

NEXT ISH:  WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE LURKING IN THE SHADOWS?  SOME SORT OF CAT?  AND, WAIT…MORE CIVILIAN HOTNESS IN THE MIGHTY MARVEL STYLE?! STAY TUNED, TRUE BELIEVERS!  EXCELSIOR!!

Super. Hawt. (Part One)

‘Bout time I got another blog out.  Yeesh!  Been a crazy couple of weeks, kiddies.  Sorry for the delay.  Now then…

A few weeks ago I decided it was high time I wrote a blog dedicated to one of my very most favoritest of things about comics.  And by “comics” I mean Comic Books.  Many folks have only recently discovered the medium (and we welcome you) through Hollywood’s current obsession with turning anything print-related into cinematic masterpieces (“Rise of the Silver Surfer” for the MOTHERFUCKIN’ WIN!!!)  This is one reason why I am not at all against rebooting the Spider-Man franchise: the more folks that decide they like that character and want to delve further into his universe, by all means!  The problem is when people watch something like “Silver Surfer” or “Ghost Rider” and are turned-off of the comics medium forever.  You can almost hear them: “Yep, I knew that was a buncha geek shit.  I was right. ”

Anyone else thinks he should be asking about the whereabouts of John Connor? Also, maybe he should put on some pants?

But anyway.  I was born in AD 1970 (by your Earth-man reckoning) and raised in a time long before the Internet.  Hell, we didn’t start stealing cable until I was about twelve.  If you’ve ever tried to watch scrambled adult movies for that one-fifteenth-of-a-second glimpse of areola, then bub…you haven’t lived.  You also don’t appreciate how good you have it now.  EPIPHANY: This is my generation’s “walking a mile through the snow to get to school” story.  “When I was your age, we had to scan the scrambled channels for hours in the hopes that Shannon Tweed would pop a nipple out and we’d be able to see through the miasma long enough to enjoy a blurry red-and-green smudged bouncing tit.  AND WE WERE HAPPY FOR THAT TIT!”  We were.  We really were.

Wait for it...wait for it...GAH!! FOILED AGAIN!!

But if, like me, you were into comics by that time, well then…It wasn’t quite porn, not even soft-core.  It was miles shy of even Playboy.  But it’s not too long a stretch to say that the babes rendered by the likes of John Romita, Jr. and John Byrne were our version of MAXIM’s “Hometown Honeys” or whatever they call that cheesecake.  It was a simple eight-color version of the SI swimsuit issue.  It was glorious.  Seriously, there was a story line in X-Men where Rogue was trying to sort out her memories from those of Carol Danvers (Ms.Marvel) and she goes on a soul-searching walkabout of sorts.  There are a few panels where Rogue is wearing…wait for it…a black bikini.  I literally fell in love.  John Romita Jr. wasn’t always my favorite artist, but the way he captured Rogue, Kitty Pryde, and Storm always worked for me.  In a very real sense.  Ahem.  I also just realized that my mom is reading this entry.  Moving on…

Ladies and gentlemen...John Byrne's She-Hulk. The defense rests.

So that brings me to this disclaimer:  this blog is, and always will be, MY opinions.  Therefore, they are not always going to be the POPULAR opinions.  So, like any ranked list, my choices are going to be different than yours.  So let’s just get this argument out of the way right now:  Wonder Woman is not, and never will be, on my top-hotties list.  Apologies to my gay male friends and to one very-perturbed Kansas City roller derby goddess.  I’ll let you shout at me for a minute, then I’ll give you my rationale.  We good?  Got yourself under control?  Okay.  My argument follows:

Wonder Woman is stupid. <ducks flying debris…>  Seriously.  Allow you and me to have us a virtual conversation (I’ll play both parts.)

YOU: Wonder Woman is awesome.  She’s an Amazon Princess, who…

ME: Like, South American?  From the Amazon River?  That IS pretty badass!

YOU: No, like the old Greek Island Amazon.  They wear togas and such.  Anyway, she’s got these bracers (don’t call ’em bracelets!) that allow her to deflect bullets!

ME: Wow, that’s some serious ninja-shit!  I like her!  Tell me more!

YOU: Okay, she also has this “Lasso of Truth.”  If she snares you in it, you–

ME: Wait – lasso?  Like, rope?

YOU: Yeah, like I was saying, when she ropes you, you have no choice but–

ME: Like “Wild West” lasso?  Is this Amazon Island near Tombstone?

YOU: What?

ME: Just figured, you know, maybe she was really a cowgirl or something.  Her backstory would be a lot better if she were actually Annie Oakley with amnesia or some shit.

YOU: No!  It’s just…a lasso!  I mean, maybe they had to break their own horses on the Amazon Island!  Anyway, she also has an invisible jet, so she–

ME: You’re fucking with me now.

YOU: No, no!  It can’t be seen with the naked eye, and–

ME: So an island civilization that apparently still ropes and breaks their own wild horses, and which has apparently been overlooked by, you know, THE FUCKING WORLD for centuries also manages to have the technology and the actual physical manufacturing wherewithal to produce the greatest stealth technology the world has ever seen?  And they make exactly ONE of them?  And give it to a Princess so that she can go to the United States and fight crime?  With her lasso?

YOU: Look, it’s not like that!  You see, she started out fighting Nazis, and–

ME: Oh, like Captain America?  Was she frozen in ice like him?  Not that his story is plausible, mind you, but at least it’s something.

YOU: Just…NO!  Just, listen!  Okay, so…fuck, where was I?

ME: Aaaaand scene.

Okay, then.  Break into groups and discuss.  When next we speak, class, I’ll have the hottest babes from comics.  And NO Wonder Woman.  Sorry.  My blog.  My rules.

Excelsior!