Quickly, Quickly…

Holy crap…how long has it been? Last few weeks have been cray-cray!  (I do so love that expression.  By my next blog it’ll be so over I’ll wish for “Waaazzzzzuuuup!” to make a return.  Or perhaps “Yeah, baby!”)

So lets just catch up and I’ll lay some knowledge on you.  For example, later this month will be the “official” one-year anniversary of this place being open for business.  I don’t really think we got going until August, but since my first post here was a re-blog of one of my Facebook notes…yeah.  (Speaking of Facebook, how ’bout when some of us thought Google+ was gonna run roughshod over Zuckerberg?  Also, what the fuck is “roughshod”?)  But the point is, thanks for reading (and following and sharing!) because as I sit here and review stats I’ve had close to 43,000 views since then.  Sure, a good 1/3 of those are from people reading my Big Bang Theory rant (actually, only 7,148 views on that one, but still…)

But enough about me!  My delusions of grandeur are well-documented. It’s time to see what draws some of you miscreants to this sordid chunk of the interwebs. Here are todays’ top search criteria, or rather the searches that led folks here…

 

grammar nazi

paul watson is a douchebag

selina kyle porn

grammarnazi

shakespeare in love kiss

dinosaur meme workout

carrot top before and after

hulk vs the incredible hulk movie

i fucking love cocaine

 

Who exactly is Paul Watson?  I mean, we might be related!  (Actually, I think it’s in reference to the Canadian environmental activist who fights against things like shark finning, which some of you know I absolutely detest.  If he’s a douchebag for trying to stop a ship from engaging in that horrible practice, then the Canadian connotation of “douchebag” must really mean “epic hero with balls of solid vibranium.”)

Technically, it’s “Free Captain Watson with purchase of regular drink” but it’s a nice gesture.

 

Also, what exactly would happen if the Hulk actually fought the movie “The Incredible Hulk?”  I mean, on a metaphysical level it would be interesting.  Like, if he stood outside the theater protesting with a big sign that read “HULK THINK TOO MUCH PATHOS!!  GRRAAAAAAGHHH!!  STILL BETTER THAN ANG LEE MOVIE!! HULK NOT PAY FOURTEEN DOLLARS FOR LARGE POPCORN COMBO!!” I would show up and cheer him on.  If, however, he literally fought the cast, crew, writer, director, producer, and food service people…whoa, that could get ugly.  I love Edward Norton, but pound-for-pound I’m going with the Other Guy.

” I will not be bullied by some dissatisfied fanbo–GAAAHHHH!!!!”

 

And I believe that P-90X is on the way out.  So is that “Insanity” thing.  Yep.  They’re the new Tae-Bo and soon health-conscience men and women will be engaging in the new hotness:  The Dinosaur Meme Workout.  It’s great, only takes fifteen minutes of Reddit a day, and leaves you with a lean, sexy core! Why, even Carrot Top is using it!  remember when he was a skinny redheaded Wendy’s rip-off?  Well, feast your eyes!

Wait, no! I meant AVERT your eyes! Avert! Man, I’m so sorry, guys.

Thanks for reading, though.  Writing feels good.  Having someone read it is better.

 

 

 

I been thinkin’…

Before you start, yes, I know that the title is grammatically incorrect.  I’m trying to sound like a man of the people, you see.  Don’t wanna come acrost (see what I did there?) as some high-falutin’ college boy. 

Anyway, I had some more random thoughts.  They’re not grouped by category, rather it’s ’bout to get stream-of-consciousness up in this piece, y’all! (Am I sounding more grounded?  ‘Cause to me it sounds funny.)

1. No one I know is a pedophile. Yet everybody wants to know how old Carly and Sam are (from the hit show iCarly.)

2. Jennette McCurdy DOB: 6/26/1992

Seriously, the second image that showed up in a Google image search for "pedophile."

3.”Ape Shit” is not a great analogy for something being messed-up and/or crazy.  A better analogy would be “Carrot Top cutting up a baby.”  Example: “Jeez, you should’ve seen Jerry last night after the union meeting.  He went all Carrot Top cutting up a baby!” Perhaps it could be abbreviated CaTCUB.  “The boss went CaTCUB when he found me pooping in the trash can.”

Sleep tight.

4. Remember the show “Speed Buggy?” It was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon that employed the time-tested formula of a bunch of youngsters travelling the country getting into adventures and solving crime.  It was basically “Scooby Doo!” but instead of a giant, somewhat expressive Great Dane, it was a somewhat expressive sentient dune buggy that provided the comic relief. Oh, and instead of a stoner burnout buddy, Speed Buggy’s pal was a mildy retarded mechanic.  Or something. But one thought has stuck with me since childhood concerning Speedy and the gang: why the fuck do you need three people (three!) to ride around in a car that can drive itself?  Jesus, the entire  universe in the “Cars” movies operated without a single human in sight!  Need somebody to wipe your ass, Speedy?  Good thing you’ve got Fred, Daphne, and…oh.  Sorry.  Wrong cartoon.

Not pictured: Velma.

5. Speaking of “Cars,” I wonder how many other people have wondered about the abscence of humans in the post-apocalyptic world of Lightning McQueen and company?  The answer is as simple as it is bleak.  “Cars” happens about thirty years after the events in “Maximum Overdrive.”  Sorry, gang…Emilio doesn’t make it.

KAAAA-CHOWWWW!!!