Celbri-Doodle-Dandy!

I know I’m supposed to posting new blogs based on the feedback I got a week or so ago when I solicited ideas from you, and I promise to get right back to it (and, hey?  Look at me with, what?  Three blogs in less than a week?) but the overload of celebrity-news crap that started with the Affleck-as-Batman bombshell and petered out with Mileygate, I felt it was my duty to keep up.  Besides, some of you really dig these fake celebrity scandal write-ups.  So let’s dive in!

Mindy’s Major Moxie Mission!!

This is what Renée Zellweger will look like in five more years.

CORRECTION: this is actually a picture of Renée Zellweger from the future.

Full-figured voice actress and former child star Mindy Cohn is hoping to revamp her Hollywood career by following in the sexy footsteps of Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, and most recently, Miley Cyrus, by putting on what has been described as “one sexy Vaudevillian burlesque!” at an upcoming awards show or Kroger grand opening.

“I’m just waiting for my opportunity to show the world what I got!  ‘Cause I got a lot…and it’s all HOT!!”  says the plus-sized vixen. Cohn has been working on a “suitably shocking” routine while working around her ongoing gig as the voice of Velma on the successful Scooby-Doo Mystery, Inc.  “We’re just waiting to hear back from either the Golden Globes or the new Kroger Supercenter in Studio City.  Whatever’s going to give us the most exposure for my exposure, if you catch my drift!”  Oh, we read you loud and clear, lady!  Loud and clear!

The Diceman Cometh to Tarantino Sequel!

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

ADC answers questions at the press meeting for Reservoir Dogs 2

Hot on the heels of the longtime funnyman’s surprise dramatic turn in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine, the bombastic Andrew Dice Clay has already landed another high-profile project: the eagerly-anticipated sequel to Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, tentatively titled Reservoir Dogs 2: Nice Guys Finish Last.  “It’s a blast!  Who knew, right?  Last flick I done, I get to work with a classy broad like Cate Blancett, who, you know…she’s English or some sh*t, so that’s class, buddy.  Class for days, am I rite?  And now?  Now I get to work with Stephen Baldwin AND that guy from Scrubs! [John C. McGinley, rumored] Unfrigginbelievable!”  Of course, some Hollywood types are taking a wait-and-see attitude towards Clay’s sudden cinematic chops.  Tarantino himself released the following statement:

“I’m so angry right now. Angry at myself for stupid rookie mistakes I made when we first shot Reservoir Dogs, my first film.  I stupidly overlooked a couple of loopholes when we signed the distribution rights, and now I’m powerless to stop this train wreck of a cluster-f*ck.  For starters, the title?  Apparently that’s a reference to Nice Guy Eddie, the character from the first film.  My problem?  Nice Guy Eddie is DEAD at the end of the movie, and the guy that played him is ALSO DEAD.  Hey, spoiler alert, assh*les:  EVERYONE DIES BUT MR. PINK!!  There can’t be a f*cking sequel!”

There has been no response from the studio, and the film remains in pre-production.

The Amazing Spider-Abs!

Your friendly neighborhood...um...JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

Your friendly neighborhood…um…JUST GET IN ME, C-TATES!!

In a bombshell announcement that rocked the world of geek-culture for the second time in as many weeks, Columbia Pictures announced a bold last-minute re-casting of one of comicdom’s most popular characters.  With only weeks of production left on The Amazing Spider-Man 2 as the cast and crew strive for a May 2014 release date, the lead role of Peter Parker (who famously dons the mask as Marvel’s web-slinger) has been given the ol’ switcheroo.  Out is Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) who took over the red-and-blue tights for the first big reboot (The Amazing Spider-Man, 2012) and in is current it-boy and panty-dampener Channing Tatum.  The studio explained the sudden casting change this way:

“As much as we love Andrew, the test audiences just wanted someone ‘bulgier’ and ‘hotter.’  Plus, once the guys at Warner Brothers hit us with that Ben Affleck casting news, we knew we had to amp up the sex appeal in a big way.  I mean…have you seen the abs on C-Tates?!”  Tatum is no stranger to last-minute reshoots.  The release of G.I. Joe: Retaliation was delayed by a year in order to add more delicious Channing Tatum beefcake.  The same sort of frenzied shooting schedule is expected for the Spidey sequel if the studio sticks to its May release.

[NEXT WEEK IN CELBRI-NOOZ: STUDIO HEAD RECEIVES MASSIVE NUMBER OF DEATH-THREATS FROM ANGRY GEEK MOB!]

Stuff I Used to Do

Last week, I solicited ideas for new blog topics.  Thankfully, you’re a creative lot, so I received several good ideas.  Choosing randomly, I have decided to address this suggestion from TopazVonZ:

“How about an occasional “Back in my day” blog about crazy crap you did while growing up, or the wonders of playing Atari for the first time (yanno, because you’re old). ❤ you Turner!!”

Ah, yes. Crazy crap from when I was growing up (because I NEVER engage in ill-conceived tomfoolery these days.)  But where to begin?  Well, any good story of childhood shenanigans must involve my younger brother.  And perhaps the prank that we were always most proud of, a prank we actually learned from my father.  A prank we called “The Sucker String.”

***WARNING: DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT DO ANYTHING I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU.  SERIOUSLY.  DON’T.***

Here’s how it goes down.  You wait until nighttime.  You find a road/street with moderate traffic.  You get yourself some kite string or twine and stretch it across the road.  Upon this string, right in the middle, you hang a sign that simply reads “SUCKER!”

Then you wait.

Eventually, a car comes along.  This car’s headlamps light up a seemingly floating-in-midair object.  Is it debris?  Swamp gas?  A pelican?  A misplaced street sign? Jesus?  Whatever conclusion the driver comes to, it happens very quickly.  Imagine the driver humming along doing about 40 in a 35 at night, when suddenly SOMETHING IS IN THE ROAD!!  Brakes squeal, the steering wheel is jerked suddenly to the left or right, groceries in the backseat are thrown to the floor, open soft drinks in cup holders spill.  Once the vehicle comes to a halt, the driver exits, walks to the middle of the street, searches for the random object that nearly caused a rollover, and then there it is…gleaming white, a few feet away.  The driver stoops to retrieve the white paper, and the driver’s mind strains to comprehend the meaning of the letters scrawled in Magic Marker.  Why?  Why did someone put “SUCKER!” on a sign…in the middle…who…god damn it.

The amazing Nic Cage film "Drive Angry" was inspired on events from my childhood or something.

The amazing Nic Cage film “Drive Angry” was inspired by events from my childhood or something.

Now, the real trick for the pranksters is waiting it out.  Staying concealed, usually in a ditch by the side of the road, watching.  You, your little brother, maybe a couple of other street urchins.  Holding your collective breath. Anticipating.  Seeing the look of confusion turn to one of anger, hearing the paper crumple in the furious fists of a soccer mom or Cub Scout dad as they look around, knowing they’re being watched, sensing that a laugh is being had at their expense.  Hopefully it ends with the driver returning to their vehicle, mad at the sticky Tab-soaked dashboard, even madder at the punk-ass kids that almost caused a serious accident.  Usually, that’s how it works.  Usually.

BWAHAHAHAA!!! DUDE ALMOST DIED!!

BWAHAHAHAA!!! DUDE ALMOST DIED!!

Sometimes your brother is cackling with glee at the chaos you’ve sown, and one of your cohorts has to literally clamp a hand over your sibling’s mouth.  And sometimes the angry driver spots you, and you have to dart from cover, high-tailing it through back yards, dodging clothes lines, hurdling fences, inciting the frenzied barks of a dozen curious dogs.  This is much more difficult when your brother is laughing so hard he can barely stand, much less run.  One person on either side, holding him up as he lurches along.  It’s like he’s been gassed by the Joker and hell is chasing behind us in the form of a guy with a mustache and a flashlight and hatred in his glowing eyes, just visible beneath the bill of the dirty Reds cap he always wears when framing houses.

There’s a different kind of fear when you’re a kid.  On one hand, it’s a much more innocent fear.  You know nothing of lawsuits or bail bondsmen or metal-pipe beatdowns (baseball bats and padlocks?  Sure, but that’s a tale for another time.  True story.)  But there’s another fear that kids experience in such a situation.  Fear of the unknown.  What happens if this dude catches us?  What if one of us breaks his ankle stumbling through somebody’s garden?  What if he knows our parents and he’s WAITING AT OUR HOUSE WHEN WE GET BACK?!?!  What if he’s an off-duty cop?  Or a killer?  (When I was a kid, we really didn’t fear kidnapping or abuse or any of the real-world horrors of today.  Nope, getting killed.  That was really about the worst thing a guy could do to you.  Imagine how much nicer X-Box Live would be if that were still the case.  “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, NOOB!”)  That fear was so awesome.  It was sort of a drug, and I’ll admit that my brother and I would probably be labelled “adrenaline junkies” had the title existed back in the early-80’s.  It was the fear you get from riding a really well-designed roller coaster.  You KNOW you’re going to be okay.  That damn thing has been running all day, every day, for a dozen summers in a row, and nobody’s been killed whilst riding it.

Yet.  Nobody’s been killed yet…

Possibly the biggest buzzkill in the history of this blog. Damn.

Possibly the biggest buzzkill in the history of this blog. Damn.

There are a million other wonderful stories of my brother and myself getting into misadventures and, yes, trouble.  But I wanted to share this one so you’d have some idea of how things used to go down.  Was this as bad as nearly burning up a friend with our homemade napalm? No.  Was it as destructive as the time my brother pulled a “Carthage” on a mean old neighbor’s lawn?  No.  Was it riskier than simple tee-peeing?  Yes.  A better story than the time my high-school pals and I attempted to re-enact the taking of Grenada by literally stealing the Grenada Ave. street sign?  Oh, very much so.  There are many more tales of larceny and near-escapes, because I had a hell of a childhood and a brother to share it with.  And now that I have kids of my own, it’s time to pass on what I’ve learned.

Watch out, Ft. Wayne.  There are two new Watson Boys almost old enough to begin wreaking havoc.  May God have mercy on your souls. (And drive safely!)

The Two-Year Old Incrediblog!!

GAH!!!  How the hell did this blog just have a second birthday?  Dang!  More importantly, what the hell happened to all the time I used to spend blogging?!?!

 

Wait.  Let’s step back.  Deep breath.  July 26th.  That’s when this blog o’mine officially reached the two-year mark.  That just seems weird.  Now, the other thing I need to address is the paucity of my blog updates/entries.  I know.  I thin it’s mainly due to my midday time slot at 98.9 The Bear, but exacerbated by a long summer of child-wrangling and such.  Excuses?  I HAZ THEM!!

Pictured:  You, as I post another "search terms" blog.

Pictured: You, as I post another “search terms” blog.

 

So let’s quickly just try something new.  Ima tell you some stuff, and then you tell ME stuff!  Here, let me get the ball rolling.  (WARNING:  I’ve been playing WAAAAYYYYYY too much Mass Effect 2, and I’ll explain below.  Just know that it’s…it’s getting to me..)

SPOILER!!

SPOILER!!

 

Did you know that Bing Crosby is one of the fathers of Silicon Valley?  He was looking for better recording methods, someone told him about the old Nazi magnetic tapes from WWII, and BOOM!!  Der Bingle invests in AMPEX.  Ampex goes on to pioneer reel-to-reel recording and editing, and then computer data storage, developing the first hard drives ever.  BOOM!  Silicon Valley has its first big start-up.  (And yes, Ampex still exists.) As Commander Shepard would say:  What can you tell me about Silicon Valley?

 

Mass Effect 2 has become like this huge mountain that I must conquer.   I put off playing the sequel to Bioware’s incredible Mass Effect for way too long, and finally decided to invest the time and energy into another wonderful space-epic.  Seriously, these games are better than 90% of the crap coming out of Hollywood these days.  Anyway, I got close to the end.  I could feel it.  I had the entire team, including (SPOILER!) Legion.  I had the Reaper IFF thingie that would let me use the Omega 4 relay.  And then…my saves disappeared.  Gone.  Lost.  Non-existent.  I was devastated.  FFFFfffffuuuuuUUUUUU…  So I started again. This time I’m making different choices (gonna try and bang Miranda and ignore Jack, even though I find Jack to be the more attractive female) and get through this goddam thing so that I can waste another few weeks on Mass Effect 3.  Wish me luck.  As Shepard would say: Have you got a minute?  I just want to talk about you.

 

A lot of strange and wonderful things are happening in my life right now  I’ll share the details as they materialize (or as soon, in some cases, as I am legally allowed to discuss them.)  As Shepard would say: I don’t work for Cerberus.  This isn’t a Cerberus mission. +2 Renegade.  Unlocks additional renegade response.

 

Wizshdom.

Wizshdom.

 

 

Now then.  Here’s your part in this little discussion.  See below?  Just south of that Ad?   (Ads which I have yet to see a single dime from, BTW.)  Where it says “Leave a reply?” That’s the comments section.  That’s where you come in.  What shall I blog about next time?  We’re in our third year now, folks. Gimme some fuel for this rock-n-roll shuttlecraft of delights and wonders.  Gimme your best in the comments section.  And As the Commander would say: I should go. +1 Paragon