What is Wrong With You People?

Turner L. Watson

Whew!  Been a busy week.  I haven’t had a whole lot of time for writing, and honestly wasn’t really inspired to put anything down until I looked at some of my web stats.  One of the features that WordPress provides for bloggers is a measure of how many different search terms led people to your page.  Sometimes the results are, well…surprising.  Sometimes they’re plain ol’ obvious.  Take a look at my search engine referrals for the past 30 days…

1. big bang theory isn’t funny
2. fake tan fail
3. tan fail
4. fake tan
5. fake tan orange
6. why the big bang theory isn’t funny
7. carrot top before and after
8. amish
9. yar yar bins
10. viking rape
11. misfits shirt
12. cynthia gibb
13. skater hair
14. big bang theory not funny anymore
15. 50s flying saucer
16. misfits merch
17. turner watson
18. male second life hair
19. chaps
20. range fake tan

Okay, then.  Sure, people are still reading my rant about TBBT.  That’s actually very flattering, and a little hopeful.  It’s nice to know there are some people who “get it.”  Also, notice how many “fake tan” searches landed on my page.  Holy crap!  People is KRAY-ZEE for that orangey goodness.  After all, look how popular “Jersey Shore” is.  But then there are other searches.  Check out #9: the search(es) for “Yar Yar Bins.” Yes, more than one person searched for “Yar Yar Bins.”  The problem, of  course, is that THERE’S NO SUCH FUCKING THING! So now I’m confused.  Are people looking for Jar Jar Binks?  Or Tasha Yar?  Or storage bins?  What?

Ironically, no searches for "Ronaldinho looks like a slightly-racist stereotype CG douchebag"

It’s also comforting to know that people are going to Google, bing, etc. to look for someone named “Turner Watson.”  I’m right up there with ol’ Yar Yar!  Of course, I’m way behind “viking rape,”  “Cynthia Gibb,” and “Skater hair.”  In fact, I barely beat out “male second life hair” and “chaps.”  Good company, nonetheless!

But then it gets weird.  The following are some of the search terms that didn’t make the top twenty, but deserve a bit of scrutiny, in order that we might discover something about the nature of the interwebs and also a little about ourselves.  Dig into these gems:

“spice hair for boys” – Spice Hair is the new Candy Floss

“nazi five races nordic phallic” – this is either a new Papa John’s offering or a spa pedicure treatment that’s sure to be  hit! (Paging Mel Gibson, right?  Right!)

“cussing sapphire ring” – motherfucker oughtta be fucking OPAL, bitch!

“silly sailors drinking” – Sailors? Drinking?  ARE YOU MAD?!?!

“short hair cuts for oddly shaped heads” – The ‘fro.  That’s the only possible answer.

“my drunk sister in law passed out naked” – so that’s who that was.

“candy fromscotlandcalled skittles” – or, as we call them in the USA, “skittles.”

“things about t-rex” – there are some really neat things about t-rex.  Unfortunately, I haven’t really covered them in my blog, so don’t ask me how the hell they ended up at my page.  Thanks, though!  Dinosaurs rule!

Not sure what sort of workout program that is, but it beats P-90X all to hell.

7 thoughts on “What is Wrong With You People?”

  1. What an excellent post that not only made me laugh, but also made me want to share what’s bringing people to MY blog. Among the most notable: #1 is cheesecake (DUH!), followed second by “mary lou wretched feet,” which is terrifying and makes me think I’m on the black market.

    The more random searches include these gems: “wonder woman roller derby,” “barbarella,” “zombie roller derby,” “ramona flowers hair,” “roller derby broken ankle,” “kansas city roller warriors,” “different pictures of unicorns,” “mary elizabeth winstead legs high heels,” “bruce banner and hulk,” “chupacabra,” “little round chocolate pie,” “mary lou retton hot pics,” “pie vs t rex,” “roller derby bulky thighs,” and “mary lou wretched work out.”

    So, in summation, I’m searchable due to broken bones, zombies and comics, pink hair, love of food, and bulky thighs. Oh, and unicorns. Can’t forget the unicorns.

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  2. I guess I should read you rant to see if you are serious or not about TBBT.

    For years people are shocked to hear that I don’t watch it and tell me, “YOU HAVE TO…YOU’LL LOVE IT.”

    I have tried and I don’t get it. Seriously, I can’t sit through a full half hour. I makes me want to jam chopsticks in my ears and scoop out my eyes with a melon-baller. That may seem harsh but honestly when I watch it I wonder how it wasn’t shit-canned after 6 episodes.

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