Clearance Sale! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!

Just looking through my notes as I prepare the next “themed” blog and realized there’s some stuff that I wanted to include in other posts, but for whatever reason did not.  So ima dump it in herrrr and if you like it, great.  It’s like that box of 50%-off stuff at the front of the Goodwill store.  Think about that: it’s stuff nobody wanted, so they gave it to Goodwill.  And then Goodwill couldn’t get rid of it.  Dayum.  So, yeah…this one’s going to be sort of catch-as-catch-can. (I’M SO GODDAM FUNNY!!)

You know what I realized about penises the other day?  We often see large male members as a symbol of male dominance.  You hear it all the time “Oh, they’re just arguing over who has the biggest dick.  Soon they’ll get over it and grab some beers.”  Corporate promotion, sports teams…it’s all about the junk.  But here’s the flaw in that logic.  The dominant male in a tribe/group was the one that got to lay down wit all the ladies back in tha day, y’all.  And in so doing, he passed his genetic code on to multiple offspring. To the victor goes the spoils, bitch!  Aw, yeah!  Okay then: the most dominant, powerful males had kids that resembled them, yes?  If that’s the case, then you could argue that whatever size his pork sword was, his offspring would share a similar set of dimensions?  And further, that would be the most common type of penis, as those are the genes that exponentially get spread around, correct?  Then I put it to you that the dominant males did NOT have giant peckers. They COULDN’T have, as  BIG MAN MEAT would then be the standard, rather than the exception.  Yep, our forefathers were hung like fruit flies.  Their intellect and cunning, along with the ability to network socially (um, before Facebook like) were factors in their leadership, and as a result their offspring were smarter, etc and so the primitive brain was overtaken by the bigger, faster model and voila!  We’re using tools, building houses, and planting crops!  All thanks to small-prick-itis!!  Likewise, men with huge, engorged, throbbing tools are more like cro-magnons. Simple.  Animalistic.  And yes, chicks would still rather bang them.  Sorry.  Something about it feeling better or whatever.

Okay, this theory needs some work.

While I’m appealing to your baser instincts, may I also propose a replacement for the time-honored tradition of “The Handshake?”  Handsakes are unsanitary.  Plus, you always run into one of two types of people:  the “I have a MASSIVELY STRONG GRIP, WHICH IS A SIGN OF MY SUPERIOR MANHOOD AND NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH MY PENIS AND NO, PAL, I’M SURE NO NANCY-BOY AND I’LL LET YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT IT AS I STARE INTO YOUR EYES TO GAUGE YOUR REACTION TO MY SUPERIOR CRUSHING ABILITY!!” person and the “my hand is really a dead lake trout wrapped in a soggy Kleenex” corpse-grip person.  Fffffuuuuu…

Anyway, I propose to introduce the Assgrab as the new way of greeting friends and strangers (remember, a stranger is a friend whose ass you’ve yet to grab!)  And here are some reasons why:

1) It IS more sanitary, unless neither of you is wearing pants.

2) It is one hell of an ice breaker.  Seriously, all pretense is gone when you have a handfull of someone else’s glutes.

3) In a business sense, it literally lets you feel out the competition.  “Oooo, his ass is flabby.  A soft desk-job guy.  But that could also mean he’s in the IT department or is busy coding all day.  Might be a hidden asset.” (I really resisted making an “ass-et” joke there.  Oh, crap, I did it anyway.) “Hmm…her ass is rock-hard, and she’s not even flexing.  I’ll bet she’s a no-nonsense slave driver.  I need people like that on my team.”  See?  It would also encourage fitness!  No one wants to be seen as soft or pliable.  Added bonus?  Chaps without pants would be considered acceptible Casual Friday attire.

Oh, crap...it's the boss. Look busy!

I have two boys.  I keep them entertained with my iPod.  Yes, I have an Android phone.  I also have an LG Optimus which I got to replace my old phone which was destroyed at a rockabilly show.  That’s how I roll. Let’s move on. This explains why sometimes my Tweets are fubar. I have a friend (we’ll call him “Kyle”) who works for an online retailer/geek culture social hangout place (we’ll call it “J!NX.“)  Anyway, “Kyle” loves to bust my chops about how terrible I am at Tweeting.  Like, literally.  It’s not the content (okay, sometimes it’s the content) but more stuff like the iPod correcting “shit” as “shot” and so on.  It’s tough constantly switching between two different OS’s, especially when you’re got two kids fighting over who gets to play “Angry Birds Rio.”

I should really be charging for this shit.

Anyway, I use my iPod a lot for dicking around at home or wherever there’s WiFi. This is why I delete my history often.  My kids don’t need to accidentally experience “My Friend’s Hot Mom” when they’re trying to watch “Adventure Time” clips. That’s another reason why I download crap games: keep my litle bastards off the web.  When you get an iPod or iPhone or iPad (or similar Windows or Android-based items!) one of the first things that happens to your mind is  a desire to GRAB EVERYTHING YOU CAN FROM THE APP STORE!!  It’s like being at Food Lion before a hurricane, fer crissakes…pulling stuff off the virtual shelves that you’ll NEVER need, and prolly won’t even use after the first week.  I  had a “Steel Drums of Tobago” app.  When you tapped the little steel drums, it made, um, steel drum music.  But I don’t know how to play the steel drums,  so it sounded like a fucking mouse crawling around with a cowbell tied to one of its hind legs. BING! BUNG!  BING! BING! BONG-BING!

See? What's not to get?

There was another app called, I believe, “Shark Tank.”  It was like a mini-aquarium with some CG sharks swimming around.  You could feed them chum.  You could, for some reason, shock them with a cattle-prod. You could turn the Jaws-like theme music off. That was it.  Seriously, I HAD THIS ON MY iPOD!!  Of course, this was a couple of years ago when literally 75% of apps in the App Store were designed to make your phone sound like a shotgun or lightsaber.  We’ve moved beyond that.  We’re more productive than that.  We’re better than that, and so are our mobile devices.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must accept this invitation to play “Hangin’ With Friends.”

That One Guy…

So, I’m watching the Walking Dead the other day, and it hit me.  It hit me like a bolt from the blue.  It had been bothering me that I couldn’t place where I knew Norman Reedus, AKA the show’s best character, Daryl, from.  It was right there in front of me but I couldn’t connect the dots.  Then, BAM!  Epiphany! He’s none other than Murphy McManus, one of the vigilante brothers from “Boondock Saints.”  I’ve always thought that the film was over-rated, so maybe that’s why I didn’t get it at first.  If you spaced on the connection like I did, here’s your photographic memory-jogger…

One's a white-trash badass, and the other, is, uh...

So then I got to thinking about other actors who fall into the “Holy crap!  That’s the guy from _________!!” category.  For example, the bad guy from Avatar?  He’s also the dude from “Terra Nova” which should be cancelled any minute now.  “Okay,” you say, crossing you arms. “That was EASY.” Oh, yeah?  Did you know that the actor, Stephen Lang, was also none other than Ike Clanton in the amazing “Tombstone?”  Yep.  Take a gander…

Technically, they're both saying "Get off mah land!"

Now you’re impressed, aren’t you?  How ’bout a couple of tri-fectas?  True fanboys already know, but here are some heavyweight character actors.  Jonathan Rhys-Davies, for example. If you’re my age (um, older than forty.  Gulp.) then you probably first ran across this likeable Brit in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Last Crusade” in which he played Indy’s sidekick Sallah. If you’re not yet qualified for AARP, however, you probably know him from his roles in the “Lord of the Rings” franchise.  Yes, I said “roles” because not only did he portray Gimli the dwarf (i.e., comic relief) he also voiced Treebeard the Ent (i.e., environmental message.)  Oh, and he’s also the voice of Spongebob villain Man Ray.  True story.

Not pictured: Man Ray's beard.

“Wait!” You object. “Cartoon characters? That’s not fair.”  I respect your opinion.  Also?  You’ll hate this next one: more Spongebob.  The voice of one of my personal heroes, Eugene H. Krabs, is none other than the rich, deep baritone of Mr. Clancy Brown.  That’s the same Clancy Brown that gave life to The Kurgan from “Highlander” and Sgt. Zim in “Starship Troopers.”  Clancy is awesome, and die-hards will also remember him from one of my all-time favorites, “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai.”  The problem with an actor like Clancy Brown is that I quickly run out of space for pictures of his various roles.  That’s a good thing.

In some ways, Mr. Krabs is the most intimidating dude in this picture.

Another fantastic actor who disappears into his roles is Ron Perlman.  Nowadays, everyone gets to see his face on shows like “Sons of Anarchy.”  But his claim to fame has been being able to act and emote through layers and layers of prosthetic makeup.  Yes, this is the man behind Vincent, the lead…uh…well, beast on the television show “Beauty and the Beast.”  You may not remember that program, youngsters, as it began its run in nineteen-freaking-eighty-seven, but your moms probably rubbed one out while watching it.  Hell, you may have been conceived after dad came home and found mom rubbing one out to a cat-man who quoted Shakespeare and lived in the sewers.  (Trust me, chicks went CaTCUB for that stuff.)  In-between “Beast” and “SoA” he found time to provide the voice for about a million video game characters (War.  War never changes…) and, oh yeah…he put on a shitload of makeup to create the title character in the “Hellboy” movies.  Prolific? Fuck and yes.

"Say, you have a powerful jawline. We'd like to make you look like a kitty-cat. Cool?"

Finally, here’s an M. Night Shyamalan-style twist for you.  I had to scan the credits for this one, because at first I didn’t believe it.  Remember that “Firefly” episode that started with a flashback to Simon and River as kids?  Sure you do.  Anyway, the kid that played “Young Simon?”  Zac Motherfuckin’ Efron.

The same number of people that saw this episode of Firefly saw "New Year's Eve" on opening weekend.

I know that I left out some heavyweights.  Gary Oldman and Edward Norton.  Ewan McGregor.  Etc.  You can IMDB that shit yourself, suckas.  I got me movies to watch. Peace.

Tweetin’ Ain’t Cheatin’

Quick blog time…nothing major to report, other than some of the blogs I follow have been absolutley dynamite lately.  Damn, there are some good writers out there.  Check out a few on the “Blog Roll” to the right of this page. BTW, “Blog Roll” is not only my favorite sushi, it’s also a fancy new way to say “links section.”

Recently a couple of people nominated me for something called the “Shorty Awards.”  At first I was offended, but as I like entering (and winning!) short-penis contests, I looked it up and found out it’s actually something completely different!  It’s a Twitter contest (?) and apparently everybody in the gorram ‘verse gets nominated.  I honestly don’t usually care much for this type of contest, and since I’m in the radio category with people like friggin’ Seacrest I don’t stand a chance in hell anyway.  But I figured since someone might want to vote anyway to strike a blow for the common man (boy, that sounds dirty) then they should be well-informed.  So here are some of my Tweets from the last couple of weeks.  After reading them you may choose not to vote after all…


I’m a badass. I order my pork chops “rare.”. Mmmm! Bloody pork!

Ima go down on my FleshLight tonight. Because I’m a gentleman.  (Ed. note: it was somewhat awkward trying to explain a Fleshlight to our 98.9 the Bear Rock Girl.)

I’m starting a movement to call the “landing strip” on a lady a “pusstache.” You heard it here first.

It occurs to me that 2012 Me could knock 1996 Me out with one punch. Fffffuuuu…

I should aim for that freakishly giraffe-like neck...

Ahhhh…I can FINALLY take my pants off in peace!!

@Jerrdog989 will be glad to know that the company has replaced the 30-grit sandpaper TP in the restrooms with an old Be-Dazzled llama pelt. (Ed. note: seriously, the paper in the “pooping” bathroom was like a cheese grater on your anus/taint area)

C’MON, REF! CALL THAT! FACEMASK ON LSU!! (Sorry. I have no plans to watch the game. Just wanted to feel included.) #tollride

Just took a box of Enzyte and six Viagra. Any ladies wanna play flagpole sitta?

Don’t do it! Don’t put your dick in there! (sorry…meant to type “cock.” Stupid auto-correct!)

Here’s a tip from Uncle Turner: instead of getting a fake tan, just roll around in a pile of Cheetos! Feel good about yourself!

Duckface + fake tan = fail.

Can’t seem to wake up, which is bad, since i’m tweeting in my sleep and my house is on fire.

Oh, dear. It seems I have inadvertantly stepped in some dub. (Ed. note: it was somewhat awkward explaining “dubstep” to my wife)

Wow…I just realized that today was the first day in forever that I WASN’T shufflin’.

I just gave myself an award. Bet you’re jealous.

Back in '06 I used the FUCK out of the web!

IT’S CHILI TIME!!! (Ed. note: it WAS chili time, and I devoured two bowls of it.  It was good.  That’s all I wanted to say about that)

“fast” food. Oh, that’s funny.

I wonder if any parents will choose not to take their kids to Cedar Point this year because it’s in Sandusky, OH…

It has always bothered me, BTW, that the Banana Splits song totally ripped off the hook from “Buffalo Soldier.” Yes, I’m serious.

Poop isn’t supposed to scream, is it? I think something is horribly wrong…

Ha! I feel so stupid. I keep writing “aztec” on my checks. (Ed. note: Mayan calendar joke alert)

I really dig Sublime. Too bad most of their fans are fucking stupid.

I’LL KICK YOUR DICK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER!

Sorry, everyone. That last tweet was to my youth pastor buddy.

Another million-dollar idea: capitalizing on the “whitening” craze with these new products: super-whitening coffee and cigarettes. (menthol)


There you go.  A primer, if you will, for my Twitter experience.  Was this a crass attempt to win a stupid award?  No.  This was a crass attempt to gain more Twitter followers.  HA!!  Seeya next time, suckaz!

The Trek Wars

Well, here we go, gang. Recently there’s been a bit of a feud between the Star Wars and Star Trek camps. There’s always been a bit of good-natured rivalry here, but with William Shatner and Carrie Fisher going after each other in YouTube videos and such, well…it’s getting kind of ugly. It took the amazing George Takei’s call to solidarity against the Twilight franchise to cool things down. Yep, good ol’ George is like the Gandhi of Sci-Fi. (Only with a better diet, natch.)

The two sides will never see eye-to-eye. It’s natural: Marvel and DC people or Sean Connery and Roger Moore fans have passionate opinions on their favorites, and I won’t even get into how much better Crystal Skull was than Temple of Doom. (Oh, yes. I went there.) But these sort of passions run all the hotter when you’re talking about the two greatest franchises in Sci-Fi history.

Why did this movie suck? Two guesses...

And make no mistake: that’s exactly what we’re dealing with here. TRON, Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Farscape…none of them come close to not only the sheer amount of source material, but the number of hard-core fanboys and girls that literally worship at the altars of Roddenberry and Lucas. It’s almost scary. Think about how uncomfortable everyone would be if this same amount of reverence and fanaticism were present in SAW fans and Juggalos. Holy shit, I just started shaking just thinking about it. We’re lucky, people. We’re really lucky that the “Gathering of the Juggalos” is just a once-a-year camp-out concert in rural Illinois. Can you imagine “Jug-Con Sacramento?” George R.R. Martin, Felicia Day, and Wil Wheaton all showing up to chug Faygo and parade around in Jnco Jeans? Ffffffuuuu…

"Hey, everybody! Welcome to the panel on Magnets!"

So, yeah. Star Wars and Star Trek. The big boys. Title fight. And this rumble needs some handicapping to establish a clear winner. I’m going to go ahead and say that no matter which camp you belong to, I don’t think there’s a doubt in anyone’s mind that Star Wars is the clear-cut monetary champion. Hands-down. It’s not even close. Ever see a kid running around the house with his Captain Janeway action figure? No. No, you haven’t. Not that Trek is without merchandising potential…hell, there’ve been at least a couple of high-quality pornographic parodies. Prolly because there’s more sex in Trek. More on that later. Right now, we’re going to call Round One, otherwise known as The Money Round, to Star Wars. Ding!

Whoa, whoa, WHOA!!! Mark Ecko doesn't know the DIFFERENCE?!?!

Round two is all about cultural impact, and it’s also a doozy. In fact, the judges (which is me. I am the judges. All of ’em.) are calling this one a lot closer. It’s a helluva fight just based on catch-phrases alone. Use the force! Beam me up! I’ve got a bad feeling about this! Set phasers to “stun!” A galaxy far, far away…where no man has gone before! Live long and prosper! Punch it, Chewie! That’s no moon… Dammit, Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a magician!  It’s a TRAP! But again, Star Wars gets the edge. It’s a slight one, but it’s there. Know anyone with a Star Wars-themed tattoo? Sure you do. Even non-geeks get the Imperial or Rebellion logos…some get Yoda, lightsabers, Chewie, the Death Star, perhaps a Stormtrooper helmet. Hard-core types will get that made-up Jedi language or a Darth Maul backpiece. Now, do you know anyone with a Star Fleet tattoo? No? Scotty? Maybe a portrait of Kirk & Spock from the original series? Still no? Hmm. Okay, how about this test: using only your mouth, make a lightsaber noise. Now do a TIE fighter. Good. Try Chewie’s guttural growl followed by R2’s beeps and whistles. Outstanding. Now imitate a phaser set to “kill.” Go ahead. Any time now. We’re waiting. Okay, how about a photon torpedo? Easy! Do it, please. Now. Go. Not so easy, is it? No, it isn’t. Not because the bridge of the Enterprise doesn’t have a familiar thrum, or that the transporter beam isn’t immediately recognizable…it’s just that those things haven’t ever saturated the public consciousness. They haven’t been embraced wholeheartedly and re-sampled to the point of insertion into literally every other media. Sure, Spock’s “Fascinating” and “pure energy” made it into that one dance song…but beyond that, well…yeah. Ding.

This...this wasn't really a thing, was it?

So far, it looks like this fight is all Star Wars! But wait…what about the important stuff, like characters, story, and plot? Ah, NOW we’ve got a fight on our hands. Quick, who’s your favorite Jedi? It’s not Luke. Sure as hell ain’t Qui-Gonn. Mace Windu? Maybe. Okay, non-Jedi characters. Han. Boba Fett. Lando. Chewie. Vader. And, uh…Jimmy Smits? Some CG Gungan? Okay, look at the Star Trek crews(s)…Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekhov, Sulu, Uhura…Picard, Riker, Geordie, Data, Wesley, Worf, Troi…Captain Sisko…Nurse Chapel…Q…Jesus, what about the Voyager crew? The one with the holographic doctor? Dang. The point is, the Star Trek universe is just filled by more and better characters. Sure, Lucas only really made six (three) films and used those to build all the print and cartoon spin-offs. Meanwhile, there have been several Trek television series and a slew of movies. But the cool thing about Trek is how distinctly different and realistic the characters all are. In Star Wars, once you get past Han, Luke, Leia, Chewie…it thins wayyyy the fuck out. The droids are cool, Yoda is cute…but as kids, nobody wanted to be Grand Moff Tarkin or Admiral Ackbar. The majority of the secondary roles were bland and unexciting. It’s almost like Lucas would rather just insert some computer-generated place holders instead of actors! Oh. Oh, yeah…round three to Star Trek. Ding!

No, Cthulhu...THIS is the "Thing That Should Not Be."

Spoiler alert: this round is going to Star Trek.  Because it’s all about sex. Yep. Star Wars does have one ace up its sleeve.  Ever heard of the “Slave Leia” costume?  You GOD DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE! It’s almost to the point of being over-exposed (pun intended.)  You can see this outfit at every. Convention. Ever.  And I mean you can see girls dressed as Slave Leia at the Progressive Insurance convention.  (Bad news?  It’s that Flo chick. But still…) Wil Wheaton went on record at Comic Con San Diego last year as saying  “Damn!  Slave Leia is sexy!” Okay, I made that quote up.  I just wanted to impress the Redditors and Big Bang Theory fans (LOVE you guys!)

...no. Please. No.

But beyond that one outfit from one small chunk of one movie, what does Star Wars offer us?  That time when Padme got her shirt ripped and we could see her taut, smooth midriff?  Not bad.  And then there was the time, that, uh…well, remember when…um…that one chick…oh.  Oh, yeah.  That’s about it.  Meanwhile, in the ‘Trek ‘verse they had AN ENTIRE RACE OF ALIEN WOMEN BRED AS SEX SLAVES.  You GOD DAMN RIGHT THEY DID!  Oh, and in the sexually-enlightened 60’s when the show first aired, it not only featured somewhat sexist mini-skirt and go-go boot uniforms for the female crew members, there was also the first-ever inter-racial kiss shown on primetime.  Star Trek cared less than the ol’ honey badger!  They just wanted to tell good stories!  And hot chicks? How about that smoking communications officer, Uhura?  Or the saucy Yeoman Rand, who was totally crushing on Kirk?  Or nurse Chapel?  Later on you had sexy redhead Dr. Beverly Crusher, sexy security officer Tasha Yar, and sort-of sexy medium or whatever Deanna Troi?  How about when Kirstie Alley was still sexy as Lt. Saavik in “Wrath of Khan?”  Seven of muhfuh NINE! Yes, sex was going on EVERYWHERE!  Picard and Crusher!  Data and Yar!  Riker and Troi!  Troi and Worf! Troi and the  Univeristy of North Dakota Fighting Sioux!  Kirk and every female from here to the Neutral Zone!  And yet, there’s this simple fact regarding sex in the Star Wars universe: the only couple we KNOW hooked up was Anakin and Padme.  Sure, we like to think that Han and Leia got busy…but we don’t know.  Lando should have been the pimp of the galaxy, but we never see him do more than kiss the hand of a Princess.  Yawn.  Ding!

It's the laurels. Bitches love laurels.

Finally, let’s looks at the philosophy of both these franchises.  Despite all the similarities, e.g. faster-than-light travel, beam weapons, alien species hanging with humans, AI companions, and exotic planets/landscapes, there is a bit of a gulf between the two philosophically.  Trek has always prided itself (sometimes TOO much) on how much of the show was based on “plausible science.” At least they try to give some sort of basis for the technology.  For example, the Warp Drive apparently runs on some sort of anti-matter channeled by dilithium crystals and whatnot.  Okay. In Star Wars, the hyperdrive make ships jump to light speed.  No further explanation needed. (We assume it has something to do with midichlorians.) In Star Trek, transporters break down the individual at a sub-atomic level and then re-assemble the parts at another location.  In Star Wars, well…they just fly everywhere.  It’s like Trek is New York with excellent mass transit systems, and Star Wars is L.A. where everyone takes their own car. And I think that’s the bottom line.  Each of these multi-media sci-fi empires is excellent.  They’re just different. Star Trek is science, Star Wars is magic.  One is Battlefield 3 and one is Modern Warfare 3.  College football or the NFL.  Coors Light and Miller Light.  Spring training or the World Series. Different, but good.  Both look with wonder and hope at the vastness of space and see possibilities instead of fear.  Both promote logic and sense over reckless violence and hate.  And they both have that cool hyperspace/warp thing that makes the stars look like you’re driving down the highway at night in a snowstorm (you KNOW you imagine that shit!  Don’t lie to me!)  So this round is a draw. Ding.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! This is a rear-wheel hyperdrive!!

So, judges?  Wow.  Tougher than I thought.  The score sheet is tied.  But we need a winner, ’cause that’s what ‘Merica LOVES!  And I have to pick Star Wars as “The Greatest Science Fiction Canon and Works in All of Recorded History.”  I do so because of the sheer amount of people that have bought into it.  I do so because my kids and I can sit and watch “Empire Strikes Back” and enjoy it together.  I do so because as cool as phasers are, I have ALWAYS wanted a real, working lightsaber.  And so have you.  Now, my dissenting opinion is this:  Star Trek is the better written, acted, and thought-out series.  In this fight, better is not necessarily greater.  A large pizza at D’Agostino’s in Chicago is great!  A grilled chicken flatbread wrap is better for you.  So.  Trek is better for your mind.  Star Wars just tastes a little better, even though it will slowly kill you. (Actually, that’s just George Lucas killing your childhood with CGFX.)  In a perfect world, you’d combine the two, but that would be overkill.  It would ruin everything.  It would be like that stupid Transformers/Star Wars toy line.  Some things are better on their own.  Although…

You know, somehow this just makes sense.

I’d like to take this time to remind you that there’s a very cool comment section below!  Just in case! And thanks for reading.  Live long and prosper, and may the Force be with you.